Difference between revisions of "Bodiccea (Chapter 25)"

Latest revision as of 18:46, 13 February 2017

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Bodiccea (Act III)#Chapter 25

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-"... and so she was, like, just sitting there laughing at me!  I could not buh-LEEVE how incredibly rude!!  It is SO obvious she's jealous.  I mean, look at her!  If it wasn't for those two warts on her chest, she'd have no figure at all.  So anyway, she was just sitting there giggling about how that little witch stole him from me, and I just did not know what to say 'cause I'm a much nicer person than would say what I wanted to say, you know?  I am so sure they were in on it together.  You know?"
-For a moment -- the first in many minutes -- Asheara's house was quiet... except for the faint snoring from the lady herself.  Trembling with anger and spite, Bodiccea glared at her, then kicked the table where Asheara had her feet up.  She woke, and muttered, "Sorry, you must have thought I cared."
-"But they were LAUGHING at me!!!" Bodiccea squealed, tears streaming down her face.
-"Hey, I'd have laughed.  So you lost a guy.  Who cares?  There's alternatives."
-"Oh, yeah, I know, but he was rich and cute and had his own palace and Xany liked him!  I HAD to get him!"
-"So kick her ass.  Or write it off."
-"Oh, I would!  But she's, like, three times higher level than me.  Besides, I don't even care about him.  They were, all of them, sitting around the room LAUGHING AT ME!!!  And I know that little slut was laughing at me, wherever she was and whatever she was doing."
-"Uh..." Asheara frowned in confusion.  "Ok, whatever.  It's like this: I don't care about your stupid man problems.  You've got a problem with this b!tch, you're not tired of men yet, kick her ass and take him back."
-"Asheara!" Bodiccea pouted and stamped her foot.  "Don't you get it?  THEY WERE ALL LAUGHING AT ME!!"
-"Bodiccea!" Asheara sniveled, mocking Bodiccea's whine, "I DO NOT CARE!!  Besides, no man's worth fighting over."
-"Hey, yeah!" Bodiccea instantly smiled.  "She got one, that leaves all the rest for me!  So what if he's lord of a desert dump full of hookers!  There's got to be tons of hunks out there waiting for me.  In fact, I know where there's a whole city of them!"
-"Yeah, right," Asheara smirked.  "And after you find out they're all idiots, think about the alternatives.  There's more to the world than men, you know."
-"Oh, sure!  But they're the fun part."  Eyes dancing, all tears gone, Bodiccea smirked, "Men are all animals, it's just that some make better pets!"
-"Whatever, Blondie.  Weird.  From what I heard, I thought you Amazons had men pretty much under control."
-"Sure we do!  Anyhoo, I've got spiders to spy and Flayers to flee.  Thanks so much for talking with me, Ashy-babe.  I mean it."
-After a moment's silence, Asheara quietly said.  "Never call me that again."
-"Aw, c'mon!" Bodiccea bounced, still grinning.  "Don't be such a grouch.  Sheesh!  Be back later.  Ba-bye!"
-As they walked away, Bodiccea said to Heather, "I like her, she is so cool."
-"I dunno..." Heather said, glancing away.
-"Heather!" Bodiccea looked shocked, then rolled her eyes.  "Come on.  She oozes cool.  She's got dozens of men obey her every command.  And she knows how to dress!  What's not to like?"
-"Well, she did kind of say she doesn't care if something's bothering you..."
-Bodiccea laughed!  "Heather, she's got an image to maintain!  Besides, she's right: if I've got a problem with the others, I shouldn't be bitching about it to her."
-"Well, what are you going to do?"
-"I'm gonna show them I DO NOT CARE what they think of me.  Back to the jungle!  First," Bodiccea started ticking off her fingers, "clear the Arachnid Lair.  We can go straight from the waypoint.  Second, run from the town gate to the Great Marsh, it's quicker from there.  Go through the marsh, hit the golden chest and the waypoint.  If we can, get the Flayer Jungle waypoint.  Then... then I'll go tell Amy and Xany what I think of them."
-"Sleep would probably be a better idea."
-"Yeah, yeah, sure.  But I want to make sure those two scheming b!tches know I don't care what they think of me."
-Heather sighed.  "And you're going to go out of your way to tell them this?"
-"Well, duh.  How else am I going to tell them?"
-The Arachnid Lair was full of Poison Spinners, a boss pack of Flame Spiders... and Lampreys, damn poison-spitting maggots.  Bodiccea forgot they could be found in the spider dungeons.  She stayed green for almost the entire dungeon, and twice had to reassure Heather it was not jealousy, just a game bug that kept the poison from fading.  The same colored patches of light hovered over random patches of webs, and the golden chest of joy didn't cough up anything worth getting excited over.  After visiting Ormus for detox, Bodiccea and Heather went to the entrance of the Spider Forest and ran for the Great Marsh.
-The shrine at the Great Marsh entrance was now an experience shrine, and just inside was a combat shrine and a refilling shrine.  "Wow," Bodiccea thought. "There really is a god in every golden cloister around here."  This time, the experience shrine got a full workout; there were plenty of Drowned Carcasses, Bramble Hulks, and Swamp Dwellers to kill, and a boss pack of Fetish Shamans.  The shrine bonus expired just as the last of them died.  After running back to get the combat shrine, they went on.
-The Great Marsh went by quickly and easily.  Zombies and Tree guys are so slow, most of them were dead before they even got close enough to swing.  Big crowds just made Fend work better, though she still occasionally got a case of the whiffs.  The side areas with big swarms of Flayers and River Stalkers were easy too; Bodiccea had to smile.  Swarms are NOT a problem for this melee specialist.  Heck, big crowds make it easier.  The golden chest of joy dropped two wands, one with 10% life leech, the other with 7% dual leech.  Why, Blizzard, WHY?  Why do you find leech on wands and orbs so often?  Why Obsidian Rags of the Whale, but no Obsidian Ornate Plate of the Whale?  Sheesh... it's just not fair.
-The next side area had the waypoint, and no chest.  It was early yet, so Bodiccea and Heather went on.  To their surprise, there was a third side area, with a second golden chest of joy and a boss swamp frog named Gut Eye the Quick.  Like all bosses with "the Quick" in their name, he was not extra fast, just fire enchanted.  He went splatooie most impressively, and dropped a Jewel of Ennui, which added lightning damage.  What's with jewel suffixes, anyway?  Bodiccea could sort of understand the Jewel of Envy turning monsters green, but what does boredom have to do with lightning?  The golden chest gave them a Maiden Spear of Craftsmanship, one of the stupidest mods ever in a game with superior weapons.
-After several more twists and turns, the Great Marsh forked.  Bodiccea and Heather went to the right, into a dead end.  The other way led to the Flayer Jungle.  Their greeting was a Winged Nightmare pack, then Flayers, Flayers, and more Flayers, with the occasional Slime Prince thrown in for relief.  Bodiccea wondered if kissing one would do anything, until it spit a fireball at her.  She'd have to kiss a lot of toads to find a prince around here, and like Ashy-babe said, it just wasn't worth it.
-Bodiccea hit level 29 as they were fighting their way into a side area.  Almost there!  This area had the Flayer Dungeon and the Gidbinn.  While Heather killed the blowpipe Flayers, Bodiccea wondered if she should get the Gidbinn now, or wait until they'd cleared the area.  Eh, why wait?  Bring 'em on, she was better with groups than one-on-one anyway.  To her disappointment, the Gidbinn was in the hands of a single Possessed Rat Man.  The pathetic little ankle-biter barely even reached them before Heather killed it.
-Bodiccea chuckled.  "You don't need a new bow."
-"Um..." Heather shrugged, and smiled a little.  "I guess not.  It used to feel kind of good getting things in one shot."
-"You're taking down Bramble Hulks in 2 or 3; that's good enough.  Should we go into the Flayer Dungeon now?"
-"You said you wanted to find the waypoint."
-"I know, but the dungeon's right here, and the waypoint might be a long ways off..."
-"Hmm." Heather considered this.  "Isn't there something that tells you where everything is so you don't have to hunt for it?"
-"No maphack, Heather.  Besides, it probably only works on battle.net.  Let's stick to the plan and find the waypoint.  We can always go in by the Great Marsh if it's too far."
-"Ok.  The act III jungles are really complicated.  I think I like act II better."
-"Yeah, big open areas are good.  The jungle twists and turns every which way; getting the waypoints can take forever.  On the other hand, mud is good for your complexion, and we haven't seen any of those giant mosquitoes.  Let's get going."
-Ormus took the Gidbinn solemnly, and put it in its place.  Asheara was fairly impressed by how easily Bodiccea claimed to be dealing with the Flayers, and again offered the services of one of her mercs.
-"Nah," Bodiccea grinned, happy to see Asheara's approval.  "I like having Heather around too much.  We're a real team."
-"Oh," Asheara nodded, smiling faintly.  "Good."
-After a long silence, Bodiccea nodded.  "Uh... yeah."  Still smiling, she asked, "Hey, are you wearing eyeliner?"
-Asheara blinked.  "No."
-"Oh.  For a minute, I thought you were.  Have you thought about wearing eyeliner?"
-"No."
-"Well, you should!  A little bit more definition would make your eyes really stand out.  And maybe just a tiny dab of foundation to cover that scar a little --"
-"No," Asheara shook her head, still smiling but looking a little irritated.  "I like my scars."
-"Oh.  Well, ok!" Bodiccea shrugged, and smiled.  "I wouldn't want one on my face, but you make it work!"
-"Thanks," Asheara's smile broadened.  "You haven't noticed the hair, I take it."
-"Huh?" Bodiccea looked up.  "Oh!  You've got red steaks!  Is that a henna rinse?"
-"Yeah.  Thought you might like it."
-"I do!  I do!  I'm sorry I didn't say anything... I guess I kept looking at the scar.  You really should try some concealer, you could look so pretty."
-"I'm never going to be pretty.  You could use a few scars.  It'd give you some character."
-"That's funny, Heather said I was quite a character.  Well, I've got to get a useless ring from Ormus.  See you later!"
-On their way there, Bodiccea jumped up and down and squealed, "OhmiGOSH oh wow I cannot believe it!  I think I'm getting through to her!"
-"I guess," Heather said.  "She's still kind of weird.  She looks at you a lot."
-"Yeah!  That must be why I'm getting through to her!  This is gonna be so great.  I'll send off to Mary Kay for a gift basket, and we can have a party!  She's at LEAST got to have her nails done, that is just the bare minimum I will accept."
-"Greetings," Ormus said as Bodiccea almost bumped into him.  "This magic ring does me no good.  Wear it proudly!"
-"Uh..." Bodiccea looked over the ring.  "Yeah.  I'll take cash instead."
-"Very well.  Ormus has also composed a poem in your honor."
-"Oh, goody.  Let's hear it"
-Quietly, and with great dignity, Ormus took a deep breath and began the recitation:
-Sheeee's... the... breastica-boobical, chestica-mammical, pendular globular one,
-For moundula-nippulal, fleshula-orbulal, absolu-glandular fun!
-And for gluteal-maxular, tushical crackular, cheekular morning-'til-night?
-She's buttulo-asstical, fanny-fantastical, mashulo-fleshular right!
-She's an areological, autoerotical, tubular boobular joy!
-Some exposular regional, tushobutt creasual fun for every boy!
-For a litisimal dorsical, hung like a horsical, calliphyligical ball,
-She's the barea-moonular, fruit of the loomular,
-Funular bunular, frenchical tongular,
-Tushobutt cheekular, orgasimo-squeakular,
-Most smorgastico-boobular one of them all!
-Heather, who had the most appalled expression on her face, said, "Oh.  My.  God."
-For her part, Bodiccea was staring open-mouthed at Ormus.  Then she broke into a broad grin, squealed "I LOVED THAT!!" and jumped over to give him a big hug.
-Heather shook her head and quietly muttered, "Oh, why am I not surprised?"
-Once they got back to the Flayer Jungle, Bodiccea and Heather quickly found a second side area only a short distance from the first.  It was almost empty, except for the Swampy Pit and the waypoint.  The arrangement was as convenient as they could hope for, and it was very late by now, so after hitting the waypoint, they went home for the night.
-"Weren't you going to tell the others off tonight?"
-"Nah, I'm in too good of a mood.  That poem rocked."
-"It was... something."
-"Oh, hush.  You're just upset 'cause nobody ever writes you poems."
-Heather laughed a bit.  "I guess I'm not pendular boobular fun."
-"Nope!  You should try it sometime, it's fun.  Nighty-night!"
-(Song blatantly stolen from "Tubular Boobular Joy" by those lovable guys at Mystery Science Theater 3000.)

Difference between revisions of "Bodiccea (Chapter 25)"

Latest revision as of 18:46, 13 February 2017

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