Bodiccea (Chapter 6)

Template:Bodiccea nav The Dark Wood was dark, and wooded. Bodiccea stepped out of the Underground Tunnel and looked around, motioning to Heather to follow. A sparse forest stretched from one side of the pass to the other. There was a clearing to the east, and what looked like an empty corral to the north.

"Ok, here's the plan," Bodiccea began. "We'll spiral out from here until we hit a wall, then follow that around, keeping it to our backs. If you see the Tree of Inifuss, don't go near it until we have the area cleared."

Heather nodded, and with a tone of exasperation, asked, "So you know there's there something guarding it?"

Bodiccea sighed. "Ok... I guess we all have to be told sometime. It's kind of hard to explain, so I'll just show you. Could you give me your hand?"

Bodiccea threw her head back and shouted "conference!" With Heather's hand firmly in hers, she stepped back through the ground into darkness. Heather struggled a bit going through the monitor cord, and skinned her knee on the CPU fan (if only Blizzard let mercs wear boots) but Bodiccea held on tight until they reached a flat plain of grass next to a few bushes and a strange building. On second glance, Heather saw it wasn't grass: the ground itself was green and painted with a grass-like texture. The bushes were made of triangular tubes, with flat, angular leaves and orange fruit faceted like gems. Every surface of the building was perfectly flat, and the corners were as sharp as the edges of a knife.

"Hi, guys!" Bodiccea waved to a group of strange people gathered around a large pool of water. "Hey, Fuzzy! Can your merc talk to my merc?"

Mizor: (smiles) "Hwerro!"

"Wha...? Where are we?" Heather squeaked.

"Um... I think it's the entrance to the temple of the Nali water god, but I'm not sure."

Paige: "Hi, Heather! Nice to see you made it."

"Paige! How'd you get here? Where'd you get plate armor? Hey, nice bow..."

Paige: "It's not bad. (to Bodiccea) Have you told her anything?"

"Nah, I couldn't figure out how. I'll let you two talk, m-kay?"

Paige: "Sure. You see, Heather, it's like this..."

Over with the others, Bodiccea sat down, pulled off her boots, and dangled her legs in the pool. "So, how's it going?"

"It never changes," Tearlach said. "You know that. A life of a million cursed Meph runs would be better than this idleness."

"Don't be so sure," Thaddeus said. "I must have done hundreds of Hell cow runs, trying to get some of the higher runes. Never found a single one above a Hel."

"Maybe you had too much magic find," Bodiccea smiled.

"No, I had none. And yet, I still found magical items. I found the Immortal King's Will, Kuko Shakaku, Fleshrender... but no good runes."

"Bleah," Bodiccea said. "High level runes are too damn rare. Hey, how come I haven't seen the Mule lately?"

Mizor: (raises an eyebrow.) "Wiireehioo aheetuff?"

Thaddeus nodded. "Quite right. Even if you weren't in the habit of rejecting gifts, you're not big enough."

Bodiccea arched her back and breathed in very deeply. "How about now?"

Tearlach smiled. "Mmmm. I wish that was what tin-man meant."

"Heh." Thaddeus frowned a bit. "You'll be getting a grand charm when you're 14th level, and some more things when you reach 18."

"Phoo, I'm only 12th. Golly, I guess that means I'm not legal yet. Ow!" Bodiccea pulled her feet out of the water. "Stupid fish."

From where she was sitting under a strangely angular palm tree, Amanita lazily looked over and said, "That's why we didn't go in the water."

"Quite so," Varnae smiled, hovering near Amanita. "There is also the shark, should any of you feel that life has grown too tedious."

Bodiccea looked around. "Hey, where's the Sorceress?"

Tearlach snorted. "Chasing the bunnies. She wants to pet the stupid cowardly things."

"Ha!" Bodiccea grinned. "What is it with her and bunnies?"

"Not just rabbits," Amanita smiled, ignoring Varnae's presence. "Kittens, puppies, horsies, butterflies, whatever."

Varnae mused for a moment. "If she wants a puppy, I suppose I could go and make her one. The spare parts lying around my workshop should be sufficient."

Amanita's eyes slowly opened. "That is wrong. Sick, twisted, and totally wrong."

Varnae smiled. "Why, thank you."

Amanita grinned. "So when are you going to do it?"

"Hush, my dear. These things take time, and must be presented at the proper moment."

"Varnae..." Thaddeus sighed. "You will do no such thing. We all know you are a poison Necromancer, not a Skeleton or Revive Necromancer."

Dear Diary,

Is it any wonder no one with any taste likes Paladins? The common colloquialism "killjoy" leaps to mind. Relieving the tedium of existence with unprovoked cruelty to the deserving is a right and a pleasure I have no intention of ever denying myself. Besides... that beautiful dark angel favored me with her smile! For but one more, I would face the united stuffiness of a thousand of his armored ilk! Still, he has a point: I lack the knowledge, a fact not lost on any aware of my reputation, which includes all our present company. The Amazon's new girl... ah, the other Rogue is pointing me out... and she has turned white as a sheet. It is astounding how easily one may become infamous in these circles.

Mizor: (The pale sickly man is breathing funny again. He's weird.)

"So..." Heather's brow knitted in concentration. "This is all, like, an act?"

Paige: "No. You really are saving the world."

"It's the world that's an act," Kasim said.

Khaleel grinned. "Life's but a walking shadow, and we are poor players who strut and fret our hour on the stage until we are heard no more."

Paige: "Uh... yeah."

Kasim snorted. "Sorcerers."

Khaleel shrugged. "Hey, I read books."

Paige: "The point is, the world needs saving, but there's another world outside it. We're out there now, and you can look back in."

"Where?" Heather asked, still utterly bewildered.

"Right over there," Kasim pointed back in the direction they'd come. Heather could see an empty field. The Underground Passage entrance was in the right half of the field, and her own picture was hovering in the upper left.

Paige: "Yeah. Miss Bodiccea? Could you say 'Q' so we can see your quests?"

"Sure! Q!" Half the field vanished, and an array of six pictures with a bit of glowing text appeared. As they watched, the upper middle picture (a red and black bird with an arrow under its wing) disappeared in a swirl of gray, with the loud tolling of a bell.

"Ow," Bodiccea held her ears as she came over. "I wish they hadn't put that noise in."

"Who put that noise in?" Heather asked.

"The Powers What Is, also known as Blizzard. They like to mess with us."

"Oh. Why is my picture there?"

"'Cause you're my merc," Bodiccea smiled.

"What does that make you?"

"Prima donna."

Heather nodded quietly... then grinned... then giggled. "Um... you know, Kashya called you that earlier..."

Bodiccea's eyes narrowed. "Oh, did she? I'm going to have to have a little talk with her."

"Like you have talks with Gheed?"

Bodiccea slapped her forehead. "I knew I was forgetting something! Quick, we gotta go back! Nice seeing you guys again! Bye!"

Bodiccea grabbed Heather by the scruff of her neck and dragged her back to the Dark Wood, then cast a town portal. Running straight past a surprised-looking Warriv, she made for Gheed's corner. After a short pause, there was some thumping, and Bodiccea yelled, "Get out from under there, you coward!"

Warriv sighed, and looked at Heather. "Was it you that reminded her?"

"Uh..." Heather grinned a little. "I guess it was."

Warriv shook his head as loud screams could be heard across the camp. The screams rose and fell in pitch once... twice... three times, then reached a crescendo so painful Warriv had to cross his legs, even though he was standing up. Then there was a loud splash.

Bodiccea came running back. "Three points! Clear over the wall and into the river!"

"By Heaven, woman!" Warriv looked aghast. "You are going to leave him without any reproductive capacity whatsoever!"

"You say that like it would be a bad thing. C'mon, Heather!"

From the Underground Passage, Bodiccea and Heather moved out in a spiral pattern. The first enemies they found were Dark Hunters, then a burning house full of Carvers. For the first time, the Shaman inside the house actually came out to fight, and Bodiccea was happy to take him up on the offer and impale him just outside the door. A few Spike Fiends were firing quills from the edge of the woods. If they were actually dangerous, Bodiccea might have hidden behind trees or dodged the spikes, but there wasn't much need. After two rounds around the wood, they found a wall and followed it from then on. Heather had a new rare hunter's bow by this point, and some ring mail from Charsi.

At one point, they ran across a small barn, with a cow inside. "Wow," Heather said. "They let it live."

"Uh-uh! All the regular cows are dead. That's an ambassador from the Moo-moo farms."

Heather blinked. "It's just a cow..."

Bodiccea grinned. "That's what it wants you to think. Look into that monster's eyes. It's tasted human blood! That cow's a man-eater!"

Heather looked at the cow. It looked back, slowly chewing. "Miss Bodiccea, sometimes I just don't know when to take you seriously..."

"Never, silly."

Heather shrugged. "Ok."

While they were clearing out a Carver camp, and another right next to it, Bodiccea spotted the Tree of Inifuss. To her credit, Heather went nowhere near the tree. Once the camps were cleared, Bodiccea went over to the strange-looking tree and peeled some of the bark off like a scroll. A guttural growl announced the arrival of a huge Brute, but he only had two minions and was quickly dispatched. "That's one," Bodiccea thought. "Now, where's that stupid waypoint?"

The waypoint, as it turns out, was right next to where they'd first found the outer wall. By the time they found it, they'd pretty much cleared the entire Dark Wood. If only she'd gone right instead of left... Swearing mildly, Bodiccea hit the waypoint and ran to the stone ring, or cairn stones, or whatever it was called. Akara had already translated the scroll, so she hit the rocks in the right order, and in a flurry of lightning, a red gate appeared.

Tristram was a sad sight. Every building was in ruins, and flames belched greasy black smoke up to the starless night sky. "It's as if a great war were fought here."

"Um," Heather murmured, "wasn't it? Paige said Diablo's demons attacked here."

"Hey, that's my line. It ain't Shakespeare, but I gotta say it. Hey! We can't lose!"

"What makes you say that?"

"I!" Bodiccea pointed at her gold inventory. "I just noticed, I have 1337 gold on me! I am 1337! That means I can't lose!"

Heather quietly stared at her for a minute. "You know, you're really kind of weird."

Bodiccea grinned. "You know, you're right! Let's paint the town red."

"I think someone beat us to it, but ok."

The cleared the perimeter of the town first. Past a cow -- which Bodiccea just HAD to poke, spattering them both with bovine guts -- they went into a mostly open area, with Skeleton archers and some Night Clan Goatmen. For some reason, the Cathedral was walled off. It would have been fun to look inside, maybe see if there were any naked bat chick statues in the graveyard, but it was not to be.

On the north side of town was Gillian's body, charred and almost unrecognizable. Ogden was lying by his inn door. Wirt was still out among the rocks, though Bodiccea wasn't as sad to see him. Pepin was a jumble of burnt bone next to his hospital. Farnham was a mass of flame that probably had enough fuel to burn a week longer than the rest of town. The east end of town was behind the wall, so there was no sign of Adria. Bodiccea sighed, and holding her spear up high, screamed to the uncaring heavens, "Damn you, Blizzard! You didn't give them any running animation! Damn you! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!!"

The noise must have been what attracted Griswold. The dead smith came stumbling out of the southwest corner of town, with a stone skin Skeleton boss. "Oh, NOW he can move," Bodiccea said. "Heather, you pick off the minions, ok? I'll take the big boys."

Heather killed all the other skeletons before Bodiccea had even made a serious dent in ol' Griswold. Well, at least Blizz made him as tough as he should be. She tried Jab, Impale, and Power Strike, nothing whittled him down faster than he was smashing her. Finally, with great reluctance, Bodiccea did something she hadn't needed to do in since Blood Raven... drink a red potion. It was embarrassing.

After Griswold and the skelly boss finally died, they cleared the rest of town. For some reason, the usual crowds of Champion Shamans were absent. Cain was hanging in his cage, shouting for help. "Hi there!" Bodiccea smiled.

"Help!"

"Hey, I want to ask you something..."

"Help me! They've trapped me in this accursed cage!"

"Yeah, but there's this thing about your portal. When I let you down, you make a portal and disappear. Why don't you just cast your portal now?"

Cain stared at her. "What the devil are you talking about, woman? Get me out of here!"

"I mean, if I'm making the portal, I should be able to go through it, but if you..."

"I have a portal scroll," Cain shouted, "but this cage is too small for the portal to appear inside! If I made the portal now, it would appear outside the bars!"

"Ohhh..." Bodiccea lowered the cage and pried the door open. "Ok, here you go. See you in the Rogue camp! Hey, how do you know where the Rogues are now... ?"

But he was already gone. "Wow. He's speedy for an old guy."

Heather nodded. "Are we going home now? We've been out a long time now."

"Yep." Bodiccea started ticking off her fingers. "I get to talk to Akara, and get a ring I'll probably sell right back to her. Charsi will want the Horadric Malus back, but first we go into the Black Marshes and deal with the Countess. Oh, and see what the Mule dropped off, I'm 14 now."

Heather smirked a little. "Funny, you look older than that."

Bodiccea giggled. "I'm big for my age."

"You're big for anybody's age!"

Bodiccea laughed! "Hey, girl! You're getting sassy. I like that, keep doing it."

"Ok."