Bodiccea (Chapter 7)

Template:Bodiccea nav "Good morning!" Cain smiled as Bodiccea and Heather approached. "I want to thank you for rescuing me from that accursed cage. As a token of my gratitude, I will identify any arcane items you might find free of charge!"

"Well, that's mighty white of you," Bodiccea smiled. "You want this ring? I've got no use for a Bronze Ring of Light."

Cain regarded the ring, shaking his head slightly. "Akara told me that she would give you such a reward. Though not the most powerful item I have seen, you must understand that it is the best she can do for the moment. She and I are both truly grateful."

"Eh, no biggie. You're both in the same boat: lost, homeless, and in a hell of a situation." Then she grinned and glanced over at Warriv. "So, Warriv... how come you've never shown me your eternal gratitude with fine jewelry?"

Warriv, who'd obviously been hoping she wouldn't notice him, glanced heavenwards and mumbled, "Are you sure you only want jewelry?"

"Only because you won't give me what I REALLY need," Bodiccea pouted, running a hand down her thigh.

Cain cleared his throat. "Regrettably, I could do nothing to prevent the tragedy that befell Tristram. I fear the Lord of Terror walks the earth once more!"

"You don't sell jewelry, do you, Warriv?"

Warriv shook his head. "No, I manage caravans, not goods."

"Aw, phoo! Not even nipple rings?"

Warriv raised an eyebrow and frowned. "Certainly not."

"How about nipple shields, like Janet Jackson was wearing? Do you think I'd look good with one of those? Or maybe two of them?"

"I said," Cain repeated a bit louder, "The Lord of Terror walks the earth once more!"

"Yeah, yeah," Bodiccea nodded absent-mindedly. "Well... maybe wearing two at the same time would be too much." She looked down at her chest. "On your other hand, too much might not be enough with me. What do you think, Warry-dear?"

Warriv was massaging his temples. "I'm trying not to think about it."

"Well, that's no fun!" Bodiccea pouted, "Oh, I know what you're trying to say! You're really saying, 'Boddy baby, you're perfect just the way you are. You don't need jewelry covering anything up!' All the cheap guys say that."

Heather leaned over and whispered something in Warriv's ear, then stepped away with an innocent smirk on her face. Warriv turned to Bodiccea and smiled. "Maybe Gheed would want to see you in nipple shields."

Bodiccea made a face. "Ew, yuck."

"Especially since they have spikes on the inside to hold them in place."

"Ew! Ok, Janet Jackson is nuts."

Cain plaintively asked, "Doesn't anyone want to hear about the Lord of Terror walking the earth once more?"

"Huh?" Bodiccea said. "Oh, yeah, sure. Um, just a minute." She ran to Gheed's corner of camp. There was a crash like a door being kicked in, the sound of Bodiccea shouting "spiky nipple shields, huh?" and a tremendous banging mingled with cries of pain. The screaming abruptly cut off, and Bodiccea came back, wiping her hands on another piece of Gheed's coat. "Sorry, what were you saying?"

While Cain described the horrors of Tristram, Warriv was gazing up at Gheed, who'd been hoisted over his wagon on a pole shoved through the waistband of his underpants. "I almost feel as though I should salute him."

"Yeah, kind of," Heather agreed. "I didn't know you could swallow your own arm up to the elbow like that."

Warriv shrugged. "I'm more surprised his nipples are intact, frankly. You know, he's been threatening to take the Rogues to court for failing to insure his safety."

Heather rolled her eyes. "Lady Akara can't do anything about it."

"That might be true," Warriv chuckled. "But he will try legal action."

"So why doesn't he sue her? She's the one trying to wedgie him to death."

"You're forgetting one of the first rules of a successful lawsuit: never sue someone who would physically attack you if they lose."

Meanwhile, Cain was just finishing up. "It is clear that Diablo is headed to the east, making for the city of Lut Gholein, where his brother Baal, Lord of Destruction was imprisoned long ago. Andarial must be in league with him, and is here to block pursuit through the pass. It is imperative that you make your way through the monastery, destroy the Queen of Anguish, and halt Diablo before he reaches his goal!"

Bodiccea was quietly nodding. "Uh-huh. You know, my uncle Acheor has shoes almost exactly like those. Are they prescription or something?"

Cain frowned disapprovingly. "If Diablo locates his brother Baal --"

"Okay, okay!" Bodiccea smiled. "I'm on it. Just gotta clear the pass first. Andarial's got a lot of minions running around."

"The danger will be great," Cain said, "but worse still if Diablo is able to reunite with his brother demons! The Three together --"

"Would be unstoppable, they'd drench the world in a wave of blood and nightmares, we'll have Hellspawn coming out of our beer mugs, dogs and cats living together, uncontrollable mass hysteria... I get it. First, Andarial. After her, we deal with the big boys."

"Hmm, yes," Cain said, calming down. "Well, you must, of course, strive towards your goal one step at a time, but it is important be aware of where your steps are taking you."

"Sure. I know where I'm going, and it's gonna take a while. You wait right here, ok? I'll be back soon."

From the waypoint, Bodiccea and Heather ran to clean out one last bit of the Dark Wood, near the center. It was worth the trip: they killed a set of four Champion Carvers, each its own color. The Berserker was cobalt blue (or maybe "kobold" blue), a lot nicer than the usual Carver baby blue. The Forgotten Tower was right next to the Black Marsh entrance, and the waypoint was on the other side of the river running through the middle.

Their first encounter was a spectral hit Blood Hawk pack. Next was an extra fast Night Clan herd and a group of Corrupted Rogue archers. Things got easier after that, until Bodiccea's spear started splintering. It was easy to fix, of course, but after another couple of Carver camps, it started breaking again. Damn that low durability. Why'd Blizzard saddle spears with that, anyway? In reality, swords need the most maintenance. Whatever, the socketed spear wasn't cutting it anymore. It took too long to kill anything. Gheed has some tridents, but they're so slow... Maybe she could pester the Mule for one of the low level unique spears? Sure, they suck, but all low level uniques suck, and they can't suck as much as the ones Charsi has...

They didn't find much in the Black Marsh. Bodiccea kept kicking the fallen logs, expecting something to pop out, which confused the heck out of Heather. "Why are you doing that?"

"Force of habit," Bodiccea said. "They hide stuff in logs in Kurast."

"Oh. I guess that makes sense."

"There's so much stuff hidden around here it's screwy. Heck, every third rock on the Stony Field had goodies under it. I mean, is it supposed to be that hundreds of thousands of people came through the pass, hid things under rocks, then forgot which rock?"

Heather shrugged. "Well, this kind of is the only easy way from the western kingdoms to the Twin Seas. Unless you go by boat."

"And how the heck do you fit a polearm under a rock?"

"You got that off that Blood Hawk."

"Even worse!" Bodiccea laughed. "Oh, well. It'll only get stranger. Wait 'til you see Flayers dropping pikes and full plate armor."

Heather smirked. "The anticipation is killing me."

"Hey!" Bodiccea glared at Heather. "Sassy is good, sarcastic is not."

"Oh, sorry."

"Yeah. The Flayers will be what kills you."

The Hole was in the first half of the Black Marsh, on the other side from the tower. Inside, there were Corrupted Archers, Brutes, and a pack of Misshapen with the Fanaticism aura, in addition to the usual Carver camps. One of the Brutes was fire enchanted, but that wasn't a problem at this point. There were lots of Rogues, both corrupted and dead... man, the cheesecake is laid on thick in this act. Might that be because Act I got released as a demo to help sell the game? Nah, probably just a coincidence. Level 2 of The Hole was Carvers, Carvers, and more Carvers. One corner had a boss pack, 4 Champions, and two Shamans together in one group. This Golden Chest of Joy was well earned.

Outside, Bodiccea hit an experience shrine, then the Countess' tower. The place reeked, worse than any undefiled grave, and was full of exploding barrels, Ghosts, Blood Clan goats, Dark Archers, and a unique Devilkin pack. The usual, in other words. Bodiccea still didn't get the point of exploding barrels. Hiding Skeletons or Zombies in a barrel to jump out, sure, but what were they keeping in there that would blow up? One pack of Champions included that rare and ridiculous beast, the Ghostly Ghost. It was yellow, or maybe orange -- it's kind of hard to tell when every monster turns blue the second your Rogue sees it.

Way, way down, past more cellars than anybody would ever need for anything, Bodiccea and Heather found the lowest level of the tower. Right outside the entrance chamber was a lightning enchanted Blood goat -- exactly what she didn't want while she was stuck with a low damage weapon and no lightning resistance. Impale and a lot of life leech worked well on it, and the rest of the pack brought Bodiccea's health up to full again. Instead of clearing the side chambers first, Bodiccea decided to get the Countess first.

In the back of the hall, past the cauldron of boiling virgin's blood, Bodiccea and Heather met one last pack of Ghosts. Some of the Countess' minions came out and tried to lure them into her chamber; they killed the Ghosts first, then went in. Firewalls sprung up in the entrances, and the Countess' giggle echoed through the chamber.

The battle went smoothly. It's hard to find a really challenging fight in Act I anyway, and Sigon's gear made everything easy. The Countess, her minions, and some Blood Clan goats were in the room, but the speed and life leech took care of everything. Heather didn't even stand in the firewall. Herself dropped Death's Guard and some blues, and there was an El rune in her chest. Typical. The side chambers had gold and a few items, but nothing worth mentioning.

"Well, that was boring," Bodiccea said after they portalled back to town.

"Yeah, I guess." Heather bit her lip. "Everything in there was really scary-looking, but not that hard to kill."

"Nope. Good money, though."

"Hey!" Kashya shouted as they approached. "You! I want to talk to you."

"Hmm?" Bodiccea asked. "You're not the one who's supposed to ask me to get the Horadric Malus."

"You have heard of the Horadric Malus?" Cain began. "That is a legendary artifact, a tool infused with the raw power of chaos to --"

"Skip it," Kashya cut him off. "Keep your hands off Gheed. He's threatening to take us to court if we don't stop you from abusing him."

Bodiccea hmphed! "What's he doing suing you? He should sue me. Hey, Gheed!"

A high-pitched voice wailed out of a tree next to the Rogue camp wall, "Get the hell away from me, you evil bitch!! I'm staying out here with the monsters!"

Bodiccea stood at the gate of the Rogue camp, spear in hand and a fist on her hip, and announced to the tree, "This is to hereby notify you, party of the first part, that I, party of the partying part, that I am suing you for suing the Rogues and not suing me!"

The tree was silent for a moment... then laughed. "Very well. I agree to drop my suit against the Rogues... if you agree to abide by the court's decision after I sue you!"

"Sure."

"And to behave yourself in the courtroom?"

"No prob. Now get down here and take your medicine for being such a jerk!"

"Oh, no," the tree laughed again. "I'm staying right here until our court date."

"Where do you think you're going to find a judge around here, anyway? Or do you think Akara's going to do it?"

The tree shook with laughter. "You just wait. You'll see."