Bodiccea (Chapter 9)

Template:Bodiccea nav The place Bodiccea and Heather arrived this time was new, and at the same time strangely familiar. In appearance, it was an utterly typical roadside inn and tavern. The crackling fire and the smell of beer and hot shepherd's pie were instantly familiar, but it went beyond mere recognition of a place like hundreds of others throughout Sanctuary. Outside the door was a sign showing a rising sun. Next to it, a meek and humble-looking man stood as if waiting for customers. Inside, the floor had been cleared except for a table at the far end of the room, two tables facing it in the middle of the room, and a dozen chairs set up in two rows, looking over the space between the tables.

All kinds of people were crowded into the hall. A handsome, regal young man dressed like a sultan was seated in a place of honor at a table at the head of the room. A blob of a man dressed like a genie stood wavering next to him. At one of the other tables, Thaddeus was sitting next to Gheed, who looked very proud of himself. At the other was Amanita, with an empty chair. The twelve chairs were full of people, with Varnae at the corner nearest the sultan. Several other people were sitting and lounging by the other side of the room, drinking beer, smoking, looking smug, or more than one of the above.

"Hi," Bodiccea said. "What's up?"

"You're up," Gheed grinned, malice slathered across his face. "It's our court date. You didn't think I could set this up, did you?"

"Well, phooey! I wanted trial by combat."

Gheed grinned even wider. "We can do it that way. Of course, I get to declare one of those present my champion, if I want..."

Bodiccea glanced around, realized that more than one of the NPC's could probably kick her ass at this point, and sat down by Amanita. "Hi. Guess you're council for the defense."

"Somebody had to do it," Amanita said, never taking her feet off the table. "At least I didn't get stuck sitting next to Gheed."

"Eh, Pallys love to play martyr. Ooh, who's the judge?"

"Lord Jerhyn. He's the only one with legal experience, so he gets to be judge."

"Ooh, he's cuuute... and he's a lord, too?" Bodiccea adjusted her armor, fluffed up her cleavage, and batted her eyelashes when Jerhyn's gaze fell over the defense table.

Amanita raised an eyebrow. "Huh. Whatever. Keep doing that, maybe you can get a mistrial. You're sure not going to win on your case."

Dear Diary,

Jury duty. Could any other pair of words carry such profound connotations of tedium and idiocy? Well, perhaps 'physical exertion' or 'religious epiphany' better qualify. Regardless, our young Lordling has shown wisdom beyond his tender years by elevating me to the position of jury foreman. I realize this means he has placed the burden of responsibility for this witless assemblage's decisions squarely on my shoulders, but I cannot dispute his reasoning. I shall punish him later. The rest of the jury is as follows:

To my right: Alkor the alchemist. It assures me to know that his calm, objective, diplomatic approach to human relations will be put to use in this important matter.

To his right: Lysander the alchemist. He and Alkor should get along well. One is deaf, and the other doesn't give a damn what anyone says.

To his right: Fara the paladin. Her light-hearted, easy-going personality should assure a fair and balanced approach to this sensitive case.

To her right: Asheara the sorceress. We duped her into coming by telling her Gheed would be the one on trial. I may be wrong, but they seem to have a history together.

To her right: Xanthippe the sorceress. I do believe she wants to do even worse things to Gheed than Asheara.

Behind me: Ormus the mage. In any legal matter, clarity of expression is very important, and I know we can all rely on Ormus for that.

To his right: Greiz the mercenary captain. Gheed should be pleased Greiz is serving. Anyone repeatedly thrashed by a woman will find a sympathetic ear in him.

To her right: Jamella the... whatever it is she does. A comely enough female, though a bit of a fashion disaster and unpleasantly taciturn. I'm not sure why she was approached for this.

To her right: Halbu the armorer. A package deal with Jamella. He appears to be advertising his wares by wearing all of them at once.

To his right: Atma the tavern keeper. There is nothing like a recent, tragic, blood-curdling loss to provide clarity of judgment.

To her right: Elzix the innkeeper. Well known for his respect for the boundaries of property, this is another fellow who should feel great sympathy for what Gheed has suffered.

There were other prospective jurors, of course. The wizard Drognan is politically connected with our judge, and can not legally serve. Captain Meshif has business dealings with the plaintiff, and the werebear Mizor suffers from a speech impediment. No one from Harrogath would participate in a trial that did not promise bloodshed. Additionally, it was decided that those from the Rogue camp might be biased against the plaintiff (by virtue of having met him) and could not be invited. Finally, our Barbarian was not told of this, in the forlorn hope that his absence might bring calmness and clarity to the proceedings.

Geglash, who was apparently bailiff, was standing right next to Jerhyn with a halberd. At a nod, he rapped the butt on the floor twice, and bellowed like a bullfrog, "All hear, all hear! This first... uh..." Bodiccea had caught his eye. He stared, wavering in place, as she smiled and primped and fluttered at Jerhyn.

"Session," Jerhyn said quietly.

"This sex, um is --"

"Session," Jerhyn said, a bit more forcefully.

"This sex um is in session! Of the court! This session of this court is in session!" He looked over his shoulder at Jerhyn plaintively.

With a sigh, Jerhyn stood. "This first session of this Civil Court of Sanctuary is hereby called to order. Members of the jury: you are hereby instructed to set aside all biases and opinions concerning both the plaintiff and the accused, and concern yourselves only with what is presented here before the court."

About half the jury burst out in laughter, and there was plenty from the watching audience too. Gheed glared around the room, and slapped Thaddeus on the shoulder. "Aren't you going to object or something?"

Thaddeus never looked up from his book. "I object to the defense, not the judge."

Amanita smirked. "And I object to you, too."

Jerhyn continued, "Here we decide the case of Gheed of Westmarch vs. Bodiccea of Amazonia, on charges of --"

"What?!" Asheara shouted.

"On charges of assault, kidnapping --"

"Did he say 'salt hill tapping'?" Lysander asked.

"Kidnapping," Fara said. "Though on what grounds I know not."

"That b!tch threw me to Andarial's monsters!" Gheed whined.

"I heard about that," Elzix grinned. "Grabbed him by the goodies and threw him right over the wall."

"Heh," Greiz guffawed. "Sounds like my kind of woman."

"Did she?" Asheara smiled. "I've heard about Amazons. Good to know it's all true."

Bodiccea waved at the jury. "Hi!" Then she went back to flirting with Jerhyn.

"You know," Amanita said in a low voice, "you're lucky little Xany can't see you from this angle."

"Oh, damn. Do you think we could move the table?"

Jerhyn sighed again. "Kidnapping, assault, and assault with intent to inflict grievous bodily harm."

"There's another kind?" Greiz asked.

"Hey, she can assault me any time," Elzix opined.

"And no doubt will," Alkor spoke up for the first time. "I want nothing of her! She reminds me too much of my happily departed wife."

Meanwhile, out in the audience, Hratli said to Khaleel, "Events are proceeding predictably. Tell me, why do you think I was excluded from the jury?"

Khaleel smirked. "'Cause pasty doesn't want anybody in there who's funnier than he is."

"Quite so. I am surprised to see Alkor participating at all. No doubt he is relishing the opportunity to sit in judgment of his fellow man."

Khaleel shook his head. "Jeez, if you think she's a man, you need your eyes checked..."

Hratli smiled. "Her fate is not in doubt. His is, though he does not realize it."

"Ah..."

Jerhyn sat down again, and Geglash rapped his halberd on the floor twice. "All may be seated."

"You never asked them to stand," Jerhyn corrected him.

"Oh, everybody stand up!" After a bit of milling about, most of those present stood. "Now sit down again. Uh... next, the persecution speaks."

Varnae guffawed. "That'll be you, old boy."

Thaddeus put down his book and stepped around the prosecution's table to the center of the floor. "For my first witness, I would like to call Bodiccea to the stand."

"Meee!" Bodiccea vaulted out from behind her table and bounced over to the chair next to Jerhyn's table. "Hi," she breathed huskily, leaning over so far her breasts threatened to pop right out of her armor. "I've heard you're rich. I find that fascinating."

A hiss of indrawn breath came from the far right end of the jury. Thaddeus cleared his throat, and asked, "Bodiccea: did you or did you not break into the plaintiff's wagon and administer to him a Mongolian Prostate Probe wedgie this last Tuesday?"

"I did!" She turned back to Jerhyn. "Do you believe in love at first sight? Or do I have to say hi again?"

Trying to ignore what sounded like a volcano about to erupt among the jury, Thaddeus continued. "And did you or did you not, without provocation, administer a Sweet Nutbreaker wedgie to the plaintiff the day before?"

"That was me! You simply must know I adore a man in a beard. It makes you look so distinguished, so... in command!"

The room started to shake. Thaddeus stepped back to the prosecution table and got his helmet. "And did you or did you not employ a 7-10 Split wedgie on the plaintiff, followed by hoisting him up a pole in front of the entire Rogue camp?"

"Yeah, already! Excuse me, I have some very important seducing to do."

"ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT!!!" Xanthippe screeched and jumped to her feet, casting a spell. Suddenly, the witness chair burst into flames.

"AieEEP!" Bodiccea jumped out of the chair. Then, after a moment's thought, she jumped on Jerhyn's table, her rear upwards. "My Lord Jerhyn! I've got a burn in a terribly intimate place! Could you please help me apply the ointment?"

"You're completely shameless, aren't you?" Thaddeus asked.

"Hey, it's not like any of this matters," Bodiccea laughed, before Xanthippe jumped her and they both tumbled off the table into the audience.

Thaddeus sighed, and went back to his table. "Your witness."

Amanita stared at Thaddeus. "How the hell do you know so much about wedgies?"

"I went to seminary, remember?"

After putting out her cigar, Amanita stepped to the center of the room. Xanthippe and Bodiccea were wrestling and rolling under the tables, sending chairs and NPC's flying. "No hair pulling! Fight like you mean it!"

"You don't have to get jealous just 'cause your boyfriend thinks I'm hot!"

"HE DOES NOT!! He doesn't go for peroxide-soaked, over-inflated SLUTS!!"

"I am NOT a slut! I'm just way more popular than you!"

Amanita considered her options, and said, "All right. Gheed, get on the witness stand."

Gheed crossed his arms. "Not until someone puts OUT the witness stand!"

"Oh, that's just the Enchant spell. It'll go out in a few minutes."

Among the jurors, Elzix had started a betting pool, with odds set at 2:1 in Xanthippe's favor. "I think I'll take you up on that," Lysander said, putting 10 gold in.

"No way," Asheara said, betting on Bodiccea. "Amazons are warriors. No melee sorceress has enough staying power."

"Don't you find this a little crass?" Fara asked.

"Yeah," Greiz smiled.

Atma frowned, and moved over to speak with Fara. "Lady Fara, I have a family to mourn and a tavern to run. I have no time for this foolishness. There must be some way to put an end to this."

Halbu leaned forward. "What do you need?"

"Something to put out that sorcerous fire."

"Or something to render it irrelevant." Fara quietly bowed her head, and a warm red aura appeared under her feet. Soon, everyone was surrounded by the same friendly glow.

"Hail to you, champion," Jamella said with a smile.

After persuading Gheed into the witness chair, Amanita started her interrogation. "Let's make this quick. Did you or did you not knowingly make an ass of yourself last Tuesday?"

"What kind of a question is that?" Gheed demanded. "I deny that completely!"

"Let it be known that the defendant is lying."

"The plaintiff," Thaddeus corrected her.

"Whatever. The complainer makes an ass of himself every day of the week and twice on Saturdays, so he's lying under oath."

"Perjury," Thaddeus said, not looking up from his book.

"Per jury or all of them together, he's a dirty rotten liar."

"I am not lying! And I'm not under oath! That lummox forgot to swear me in!"

Jerhyn looked at Geglash. "Bailiff, swear the plaintiff."

"Unnh? Oh, yes sir." Geglash turned to face Gheed. "Screw you and the horse you rode in on, mister."

Amanita made a face. "That sucked."

Geglash shrugged. "I'm sorry, I'm not as good at it as you."

Gheed glared over at Thaddeus. "Shouldn't you be objecting to some of this?!"

"Oh, no. I object to all of it."

"You should have objected when she put me in a headlock and forced me into this chair!"

Thaddeus shook his head, still reading. "Actually, I didn't object to that at all."

Suddenly, there was a metallic KLONG from the audience section, followed by a CRACK like metal on bone. Mizor shuffled onto the floor, hefting his maul. Quietly, he deposited an unconscious Bodiccea in her chair at the defense table, and a reeling Xanthippe in her seat in the jury section.

"Ah, that's a shame," Lysander said. "But this just goes to show you: it's always the quiet, unassuming ones you have to watch out for."

Elzix tsked. "Well, you know what that means: the betting pool's closed."

"So give us our money back!"

Elzix threw his hands up in the air and shook his head. "Sorry, folks! The bet was which one of 'em would win! It looks like both of them lost, so there's no payouts today!"

Greiz's face darkened. "You do want to keep the body parts you have left, don't you?"

"And besides," Lysander said, quickly hobbling over to Xanthippe, "our dear little girl here is much closer to being conscious than the other one! Aren't you, my precious?"

Xanthippe was grinning. "And the lights went out all over the world..." She fell on her face with a loud thud.

After a short pause to restore order and a wakeful state to all participants, the trial resumed. Jerhyn turned to the prosecution table. "You may make your final statement."

Thaddeus nodded, and turned to address the jury. "Ladies and gentlemen, the defendant freely admits to everything she was accused of, has shown no remorse, and will doubtless resume her activities the first opportunity she has. There is no doubt that she is guilty, and a danger to this man's... to this man. Thank you."

Jerhyn nodded, and turned to Amanita. "And for the defense?"

Amanita stood up. "Why lie? She's guilty. She looks guilty. She smells guilty. Throw the book at her and let's get this over with."

Bodiccea sneered as Amanita sat down. "I do not smell."

Amanita smirked. "Maybe it's from getting manhandled by the bear."

"Thank you both. Now, let the jury convene and reach a verdict."

Alkor looked at Varnae, who had dozed off, and smacked him on the back of the head. "Wake up, pasty man! It is time for you to pretend you know what is going on."

"Hmmh?" Varnae woke with a start and looked around. "Oh, is all the inane babbling over with, then? Excellent. Members of the jury: is there any doubt as to what the proper, legal outcome of this case should be?"

"No."

"Nope."

"Indisputably not."

"Nuh-uh."

"Very well." Varnae stood up, and addressed Jerhyn. "We, the members of the jury, find the defendant... very charming."

"Aw," Bodiccea grinned.

"And guilty as sin."

Gheed's face erupted in a broad smile. "Very well," Jerhyn said. "I shall pass sentence. Bodiccea of Amazonia, you are hereby ordered by this court to pay to Gheed of Westmarch a fine of one (1) piece of gold --"

"WHAT!?" Gheed screamed.

"... and to administer to Gheed no less than one (1) Twirling Death wedgie before leaving this courtroom. Case closed."

"WAIT JUST A MINUTE HERE!!! YOU CA-AAAAHHHH!!!!"

"Round and round and round he goes!" Bodiccea said, spinning Gheed around the room by his undergarments.

Amanita re-lit her cigar. "Well, that was fun. Anyone for chinese?"

Suddenly, the door fell in with a crash, and Tearlach stepped into the room, the meek man from outside stuffed into his armpit. "Damn!! Why didn't you idiots tell me we were finally going to meet in a tavern!?! LINE 'EM UP, BARKEEP!!"

"Aw, I knew this was going too good to last." Bodiccea released Gheed, sending him crashing through the tavern's back window. "C'mon, Heather. Our job here is done."

Heather followed Bodiccea out of the tavern. "Now we go back to the monastery?"

"After we get some sleep. I'm bushed."

"Yeah. Court cases are such a trial."

Bodiccea blinked, and looked at Heather. "Did you just make a pun?"

Heather shrugged, then grinned. "Yeah!"

"Well... try to make a better one next time."

"Ok!"