Bodiccea (Chapter 11)

Template:Bodiccea nav In the morning, Bodiccea and Heather met Cain to discuss their plans for the day. "Hi! Well, this is it: today, Andarial dies."

"You are both fantastically brave to be doing this!" Cain said. "All my years, I have lived a shut-in, scholarly life, and know nothing of the ways of arms. I hope my knowledge may aid you someday... you seem to have had little need for it thus far."

"Aw," Bodiccea bowed her head. "Could you please tell us what you know about Andarial?"

The faintest smile of hope flitted across Cain's face. "The demon Andarial is known to men as the Maiden of Anguish, and the queen of the Succubi. It is said that she is the one who takes the most joy in manipulating mortal souls, as the misshapen, twisted things who serve her bear witness. She is a poisonous creature, always accompanied by a choking mist of pure venom. However, she is not the most warlike of Hell's rulers, and surprisingly for one born in the infernal pit, she is not fond of fire."

Bodiccea grinned. "So we can't call her a flaming queen, huh? It's all cool, I've got a fiery weapon. Heather, shoot lots of fire arrows, 'k?"

"Ok."

"Many of the heroes who fought beneath Tristram reported encounters with Succubi, so many that I would be very surprised if Andarial has any remaining to escort her now. There were never very many, according to the old accounts."

"No Suckers. Check."

A puzzled frown deepening Cain's brow wrinkles. "That is a peculiar thing to call them. Most men use entirely different words for the Succubi. Then again, you are an Amazon, so perhaps I should not be surprised."

Laughing, Bodiccea cocked one eyebrow up. "Any woman who'd take the deal Succubi get is a sucker, in more ways than one."

"Hmm... I suppose that may be so. Most of the histories describe what the Maiden of Anguish does to men, not to the women who fall into her web."

"That's 'cause men wrote them. Anyhoo, it doesn't matter much. We're not men, so we don't care if she's got Succubi or not. We've got fire, we've got estrogen, we'll get some antidote potions... who could ask for anything more?"

"May the blessings of Heaven be upon you! Her minions may have fallen easily, but I fear the demon queen herself will not prove so easy to defeat..."

"Don't worry, we'll be careful. C'mon Heather, let's get started."

As they walked to the waypoint, Heather asked, "Have you come up with a plan?"

"Plan?"

"For defeating Andarial."

"Oh," Bodiccea shrugged. "Nah. Never needed one before."

"But she's a demon queen! She wiped out everyone in our monastery! I don't think you should just run up to her and stick her with your spear."

"Her minions wiped out everyone in your monastery. While you were asleep, I might add. We're awake, we've got the gear, and we know what her weakness is." Heather still looked worried, so Bodiccea said, "Ok, how about this: we pull in some little malodorous troll from Battle.net and throw him in there in front of us. He'll see two gigantic breasts and run right in. Then we come in and stick her while she's busy peeling his skin off."

Frowning dubiously, Heather said. "I understand the part about the two gigantic breasts, but how do we get him to go for Andarial?"

"Oh, ha ha. Just aim him right. Male hormones will take care of the rest."

"But won't he recognize her, and know she'll kill him?"

Bodiccea started counting on her fingers. "One: your average b.netter has never seen Andarial. They spend their whole lives either in Hell Cows, running Meph and Baal, or PK'ing anybody actually trying to play the game. Two: even if he has seen her, he won't remember her 'cause male brains turn off the second they see boobs. Three: even if he remembers, he'll probably figure this is the only chance he'll ever get in his geeky little life to touch real live girl things and will go for her anyway."

Heather quirked an eyebrow. "Didn't you tell me most b.netters are afraid of strong girls? I don't know, but I think she qualifies."

"Huh. Yeah, that's true. Ok, plan B: run right up to her and stick her with my spear. You hang around in the back and try not to draw attention."

"Sure. Why mess with something that's always worked before?"

"Sure! Next stop, the Inner Cloister. Hey, wait!"

Heather rolled her eyes. "You noticed Gheed was there, didn't you?"

"Just saw him." Bodiccea rubbed her hands together. "He's not getting away this time!"

Bodiccea ran off, and as expected, a scream soon was heard throughout the camp. But this time, it wasn't Gheed. Two loud popping noises mingled with the scream, and Bodiccea darted back through the camp, wailing with soul-scarred dismay and holding her hands over her bleeding eye sockets.

"Wow!" Heather said, stepping up beside Warriv. "What happened?"

"Something terrible. You might disagree, Gheed."

The fat merchant had stepped up beside them, chuckling with undisguised glee. "What makes you say that, Warriv? I knew she'd come straight for me the minute I showed my face. I think she's gotten no more than she deserved."

"What did you do to her?" Heather demanded.

Eyes wide and innocent, Gheed loudly said, "Nothing!"

Warriv smiled a bit, and chuckled. "I think I can guess... Heather, you know she always goes straight for his underwear?"

"Yeah... ?"

Gheed grinned, wider than ever. "So today, I just didn't wear any."

Heather's eyes went wide, and then she clenched them shut, shivering. Over in Akara's corner, they could hear Bodiccea sobbing, "It was horrible... like two pimply piles of chewed bubble gum squishing hairy and slimy into other..."

"Child, do shut up. I just had breakfast. Let me heal your eyes and allow you to continue your quest, hopefully a bit wiser for the horror you have faced."

After her sight was restored and some quick psychological counseling, Bodiccea felt ready to face Andarial. Two Black Rogue archers were waiting to meet them outside the cathedral doors. They fried up nicely. Afterwards, Bodiccea kicked the doors open and they strode in. For the first time in memory, there wasn't a single Dark One in there. In fact, there were hardly any monsters at all, just a few Misshapen and Bone Ash in his usual place by the main altar. There were plenty of sarcophagi, which kind of made up for it on the looting side. It's still kind of weird how mercs don't object to you looting their holiest of holies.

The Catacombs were dark and eerie, full of chests and caskets, and burbling blood in holes in the floor. Neither Heather nor Bodiccea could explain why, if there's that much blood in the floor, the lower levels weren't flooded. The first level of catacombs was full of Dark Ones and Rat Men, except for two Misshapen bosses, one lightning enchanted and one with multi-shot. The lightning enchanted one got Impaled to death. He never got a chance to spark either. Who needs lightning resistance?

Just like yesterday, Heather slowly but surely started getting left behind. If they fought their way down a long dead end and had to retrace, Bodiccea often completely lost sight of her and had to go back. Imagine her surprise one time, when she was about to go back and look for her, when Heather appeared around the next corner.

"Hi. Where you going?"

"ACK!" Bodiccea jumped. "How'd you get up there? Rogues can't teleport!"

Looking a little smug, Heather shrugged with feigned nonchalance. "Oh, I just ran around the short way. I've been down here before, you know."

Bodiccea smirked, eyes narrowing. "You popped out of the game and back in in front of me, didn't you?"

"Um, uh, yeah." Heather grinned sheepishly.

"Hmph!" Bodiccea snorted. "Sneak. See if I ever run back for you again."

The next level of catacombs was all Dark Ones, Arachs, and one Misshapen pack with a multi-shot boss. The spiders were a curious touch, there weren't any creatures like them in the rest of Act I. Otherwise, everything was just like all the previous levels of Catacombs and Jails: packs of Gargoyle traps, packs of champions, little nests of Shamans close enough to resurrect each others minions... ho hum.

"I wonder where the giant spiders come from," Heather said.

"Andarial likes 'em. She's kind of a black widow type."

"Maybe they're her children or something."

"I dunno. They always call her the 'Maiden' of Anguish, so I'm betting she's never done it."

"Oh, yeah. Huh. Then why is she in charge of the Succubi?"

After a few minutes pause to kill a pack of Dark Ones, Bodiccea continued, "I don't know about Succubutts. All I know is, there aren't any Incubi, which is just one more way the universe isn't fair."

Heather looked at her strangely. "You'd WANT Incubi around?"

"No." Bodiccea thought about it for a minute. "But they should at least have some here so we can look at them."

"Oh. Yeah, I guess that wouldn't be so bad."

"I don't think it'd be bad at all... except we'd have to kill 'em."

They went on in silence for a while. As the last of a pack of spiders lay dying, Heather asked, "I wonder if Andarial even can do it. I mean, she's supposed to be so poisonous..."

Bodiccea laughed. "You mean, her hootchie is so impure anyone who tried anything would have his thingie shrivel up and fall off? Maybe."

"Maybe another demon lord could."

"Maybe, but it ain't gonna happen outside of some kinky piece of fanfic. Andy's in Act I, and stays here where there aren't any other demon lords."

"Uh, what's fanfic?"

Bodiccea rolled her eyes. "Fan fiction. That's where some no-talent hack can't come up with anything on his own, so he takes somebody else's world and tries writing a story set in it. Basically, it's a total loser with no imagination trying to be a writer."

"Oh. Glad we don't know anyone like that."

"As if! You'd never catch me around somebody like that."

Deeper into the catacombs, Bodiccea and Heather finally started running into undead: hungry Ghouls, and The Banished, which were vampires. Funny, they didn't look like the exquisite, sensuous things Anne Rice described at all. The open-topped skulls were especially strange -- they had to levitate along very smoothly, keeping their heads as steady as possible so their brains wouldn't fall out. The Ghouls still didn't care about Bodiccea, but she found she could get their attention by waving a Banished brain at them. The only uniques were a mana burn Afflicted and a holy freeze Afflicted. Every boss in the Catacombs was either a Misshapen or an Afflicted... weird.

The outer chamber of level 4 was empty, except for the flaming pits and pools of blood. Why would Andarial put so much flame in her lair if she doesn't like fire? Whatever, the entrance hall was full of Dark Ones and Ghouls, just like usual. Bodiccea and Heather cleared it, looked at the pool full of dead naked people, and opened the doors to Andarial's throne room.

"Ok!" Bodiccea nodded. "Remember to use fire arrows."

"Check. You got some antidotes?"

"Check. Let's do it."

Off to the left, Bodiccea stopped to loot a couple of dead Rogues, ignoring the skins, torsos and other human body parts decorating the room. Back to the right, they killed the Dark Ones by the burning crates, and avoided getting burned. Then Bodiccea ran up the middle of the hall to Jab a Shaman to death. A bellow shook the hall: "FEAR ME!"

Andarial came stomping out just as the Shaman died. After stifling a giggle, Bodiccea backed up until she was in Heather's range, then turned around to face her in the middle of the hall. Her poison spray got them both once, but a red potion took care of Heather and Bodiccea was leeching so much she barely noticed. Two blue potions later, and Andarial disintegrated in a blast of flame. Bodiccea and Heather drank their antidotes, cleared out the rest of the throne room, and went back to camp.

"You did it," Kashya said when they walked up to the campfire. "We heard her scream from here. It must have been terrifying."

"Oh, yeah!" Bodiccea said. "That hair, the spidery legs, and most of all, the g-string. You don't want to know where these gems came from."

Kashya was still staring at her. "Perhaps I have... misjudged you, outlander. Your flippant words belie your serious intent."

"Nah, it's all right," Bodiccea grinned. "Hmm... you know, I've got an idea. Do you kick with your left foot or your right?"

Kashya blinked. "My left."

"Cool." Bodiccea handed her the left of Sigon's boots. "Put this on."

"What's this for?" Kashya asked, putting the boot on.

"You'll see." Bodiccea grabbed her hand, and pulled her back to a tavern, empty except for Bodiccea, a very confused Kashya, and Tearlach, snoring on a bench.

"Hey, big guy," Bodiccea shook his shoulder. "There's someone I want to see you."

As he blinked awake, Kashya's eyes widened. "I know that face..."

"Kashya!" Tearlach stood up, his eyes brimming over with lust. "You fiery hellcat! I knew you would come. I have decided the world is not worthy of me now, and I will not conquer it today. But soon! Tonight, there is only one conquest I want to make."

By now, Kashya's eyes were so wide Bodiccea thought they might pop right out of her skull. "I REMEMBER YOU..."

"Ha!" Tearlach laughed. "No lass ever forgets me. But this night, you are mine! Come and get what every red-blooded woman in the world wants!"

Trembling, teeth gritted, Kashya grabbed Tearlach by the shoulders and drove her iron-clad knee upwards, straight and true and harder than Chinese algebra. A bone-splintering crack raised the roof and shook the walls. Men for miles around collapsed in sympathetic agony. And Tearlach's scream made dogs howl and cover their ears in pain. When the earth stopped shaking and Tearlach's lungs were empty, he closed his mouth, opened it again, spat out two walnuts, and collapsed to the floor in a curled-up heap.

"Berserkers," Bodiccea shook her head. "Never even thought about defending himself."

Panting, Kashya staggered back against a table, a blissful smile on her face. "Oooh..."

Suddenly, Xanthippe and Amanita appeared out of nowhere. "What the hell was that?"

"Oh, nothing," Bodiccea grinned. "Where are the guys?"

"Doubled over in pain," Amanita said. "Even deadboy. Wait... did you her in here and let her go at him?"

"Yep!"

"And you didn't invite us to watch?" Xanthippe's eyes widened in alarm. "You b!tch!"

"Sorry, didn't think of it. How you doing, Kashya?"

"I feel... cleansed."

"Need a cigarette?" Amanita asked.

"No, I'm cool. Wow. It's like there's light in the world for the first time. I can hear birds singing. They're so beautiful..."

A faint, very high-pitched groan squeaked up from the floor. Bodiccea snorted. "Oh, shut up. This is all softcore, you'll be fine after the next restart."

Kashya pointed out the window. "Look! A rainbow. Isn't it pretty?"

"Wow," Amanita smiled. "That sure took the pepper out of her."

"I'll say," Xanthippe nodded. "Wish she'd been this nice when I was around."

Bodiccea laughed, and gave Kashya a hug. "Yeah, violence can do that. Let's get you back where you belong. And I need my boot back too. I'm off to Lut Gholein!"

Concluding thoughts:

1. In previous stories, I finished Act I by chapter 7; this is chapter 11. Must be from trying to cram all the jokes I have left.
2. I still haven't decided if Bodiccea should keep Heather as a mercenary. They seem to be developing a rapport, and there's some untapped veins of humor there, but there's a lot of different jokes I could make with a male merc.
3. On the other hand, the humor here is obnoxious enough without Bodiccea having a male around all the time. Taking her natural tendencies any further may strain the boundaries of good taste and discretion unnecessarily.