Bodiccea (Chapter 14)

Template:Bodiccea nav In the morning, Elzix knocked on Bodiccea's door. "Wakey, wakey!"

"Mmm... ?"

"It's your wake-up call, Ms. Bodiccea."

"Oh. Oog. Don't come in, I'm naked."

"What was that? I can't hear you, let me open the door so I can hear better."

"Don't you dare!" Bodiccea slammed her foot into the door, an easy reach from her bed in the small room.

The door, which had never moved, thudded in its frame. "Damn!" Elzix stage-whispered, snapping his fingers. "I gotta learn to open the door before I say that."

"Too slow," she laughed. "Poor baby."

"Yeah. Still, I can say I got to knock you up in the morning."

"Hey! Don't even think about it!"

"Aw, man. Can't I think about it just a little?"

"Oh, all right. Just don't make me start smacking you around."

"Ooh, baby..."

"Stop it! It's too early. Besides, I never fight people who look like you, you've got nothing left to lose."

"Don't I know it. Listen, Lord Jerhyn wants to talk to you, and that old fart too."

"Which old fart?"

"The one with no hair."

"Oh, Cain. I forgot to give him the scroll. Fine." Yawning loudly, Bodiccea snuggled up to her pillow one last time, then pushed out of bed. "Good concierge, bring me two bran muffins with butter, a glass of orange juice, and a bowl of melon slices."

"We don't have room service here. Or a kitchen."

"So? Bring me two bran muffins with butter, a glass of orange juice, and a bowl of melon slices, or I'll kick your ass."

Elzix laughed. "We reserve the right to refuse service to bitchy customers."

"That's Miss Bitch to you! Never mind, I'll get my own breakfast. Have you seen Heather?"

"That Rogue with you? Not since yesterday."

"Where's she wandered off to?" Bodiccea grumbled, and pulled her gear on before going out to look.

It took some looking, but she eventually found Heather sitting on a pyramid of tiles, looking up at a web page being displayed over her head.

"Hey, Heather. Whatcha doing?"

"I was just looking up perfect gem properties. Some of them are really nice."

Suddenly, the tiles and the web page switched positions. A pair of tiles with 9 odd little characters on it disappeared, then a pair showing southward-blowing winds. Heather had to jump when the flower tile she was sitting on vanished. "Hey!"

"Watch out!" Bodiccea grabbed Heather's arm. "It's getting kind of hazardous here. Let's get back home. We're gonna be going out again soon anyway."

They hopped over a tile with 5 little pillboxes on it, crawled through the monitor cable, and in a flash, found themselves back in Lut Gholein. Jerhyn was outside his palace, and smiled as they approached. "Greetings!"

"Hi, cutie," Bodiccea smiled. "The conquering heroine has returned. So, what's my reward going to be? Gold? Jewels? Or maybe just the hand of a fair prince?"

"Heh. I had hoped to share some of my concerns with you, and impart to you knowledge which will aid you on your quest."

"Knowledge? What would I do with that?"

"You've never needed it before," Heather said.

"Besides, I'm a natural blonde! I hardly have anyplace to put it!" Bodiccea laughed.

Jerhyn cleared his throat. "Some time ago, a mysterious cloaked wanderer came to the city, asking after the location of the tomb of Tal Rasha --"

"Which is long lost out in the deepest deserts, you suspect this dude was Diablo, time is running out, yeah sure. Jehry baby, I know you're trying your hardest, but you just look too scrumptious for me to take you seriously..."

Jerhyn sighed, rubbing his temples. "Perhaps you could speak to my advisor, Drognan."

"Nah, I already have one babbling old guy following me around trying to tell me stuff. Now, Jerhyn..." Bodiccea said, licking her lips and breathing in so deep the straps on her leathers groaned, "be reasonable about this. I know exactly what we both want. Why fight it? Your palace isn't in such hot shape, but the upper floors are just fine, and I'm sure there are some nice bedrooms up there someplace..."

"Hey," Heather pointed, "is that Cain coming over here?"

"What?" Bodiccea looked. "He never comes here, he can't move this far. Now --" While she was distracted, Jerhyn had gone back inside the palace. "Hey!" she said, "get back out here! I'm not finished with you yet!"

Kaelan stood firm at the door. "You may not pass."

"I'll make passes at whoever I want to! Heather, you distracted me!"

"I'm sorry, I really thought it was him," Heather said unconvincingly. "He must be worried that you haven't brought him the scroll from Radamant yet."

Bodiccea groaned. "Look, we both know what the scroll says. Oh, never mind, I'll talk to Cain. But I will get that boy."

As they walked towards the marketplace, Heather asked, "Why? I mean, he doesn't like you that much."

"He's just playing hard to get so I'll save his city for him. Like I wouldn't anyway, I need to get to the Arcane Sanctuary. Let's see what Cain has to say."

"Ah!" Cain said as they showed him the scroll. "The lost Horadric Scroll! Only I have the knowledge to decipher the Horadric runes it bears. Hmm..."

Heather frowned a little. "Um, shouldn't that be 'a' lost Horadric scroll?"

"I wondered about that too," Bodiccea smirked. "You'd figure the world's greatest wizards could write more than one thing..."

"This is most fortunate!" Cain beamed. "Radamant, it seems, witnessed the entombment of Tal Rasha, and while he has not recorded where to find the tomb, he does describe how to enter it! A Horadric staff is needed to break the seal. Unfortunately for us, all the Horadric staves were destroyed long ago by breaking them into shaft and headpiece."

"Yeah. Man! Horadric Staff, Horadric Malus, Horadric this, Horadric that. What DIDN'T those guys do, anyway?"

"Very little," Cain smiled with pride. "The Horadrim were a shining --"

"-- light in the darkness of ignorance and evil. We know. Here's the plan: get a Horadric staff, de-virginize Tal's tomb, go in there, and whack the first thing we see."

Heather looked openly appalled. "De-virginize?"

Bodiccea grinned. "Sure. We have to go out and get a staff, since neither one of us has one. We get the shaft, and a little head, then find the socket where it fits and shove it in to break the seal. All that and a pretty light show, too."

"A little headpiece."

"Whatever."

"Ah, yes..." Cain muttered. "Should you find a Horadric Staff's headpiece and shaft, they may be reunited using a Horadric --"

"Horadric Duct Tape?"

"No..."

"Horadric Safety Pins?"

"No..."

"The Horadric Hot Glue Gun? Martha Stewart recommends it."

"No! The Horadric Cube is an alchemical tool, and the only way the shaft and headpiece may be rejoined while preserving their enchantments!"

Bodiccea slapped her forehead. "A Horadric Cube! Holy mackerel! Where EVER could we find one of those?"

"Miss Bodiccea," Heather said, "please stop being mean to Mr. Cain."

"I'm meaner to myself, Heather."

"I don't think so..."

"You try smacking yourself in the forehead wearing heavy gauntlets. Ow..."

"It wouldn't be so bad if you'd wear a helmet."

"They're all ugly, Heather. I have an image to maintain."

Cain slowly sighed. "It seems you will have as little use for my knowledge here as you did back in the Rogue pass. Locating even one piece of a Horadric Staff is unlikely. Finding the matching piece would be nearly impossible, and without a Horadric Cube, all would be for naught."

"Oh, I'm sorry," Bodiccea gave Cain a little hug. "Don't worry. We'll find a staff and a cube somewhere. We'll just have to explore a little."

"I hope so," Cain smiled. "Diablo seeks his brother, to free him from his prison! Should they be reunited, they will journey to the east to meet the eldest of The Three, Mephisto. You must stop them, at any cost, or the world will be consumed by --"

Bodiccea nodded. "Yes, all right, Cain, thank you! Now, I have to get busy. This is going to take a while, ok?"

"Of course, of course! You must be off to hunt for Diablo, who even now searches the desert sands for --"

"Yes, you said that already. Now, gotta go."

"Yes! Haste is absolutely vital! Should Diablo find --"

"That's why I have to go now! Bye!"

"Ah... ahem. Good luck!" Cain yelled as Bodiccea sprinted for the city gates, Heather close behind.

In the Rocky Wastes, Bodiccea and Heather found skeletal bodies right outside Lut Gholein's gates. They had to pre-date Diablo, they were just bones, so it was strange that they'd be left out within sight of the gates like that. As soon as the walls were out of sight, a pack of Slingers and a unique Sand Leaper jumped them. Cat People throwers seem to be boys. The Leapers were even more annoying than usual -- Bodiccea's first jab would knock them back so the next two missed. When she tried to use Impale, they responded by hitting her, then jumping away before her blow landed. The boss didn't die until she got him up against a wall and could Jab him to death.

The next fight was a cold enchanted Dung Soldier. They smelled pretty bad, but hitting them was worse. Even Impaling with Bloodthief, it hurt. When it died, the cold nova got both of them, so it was healing potions all around, then on to the next fight: some Carrion Birds. These guys weren't so dangerous, so Bodiccea let Heather do all the killing again. For whatever reason, she could not shoot them until they landed, which is still strange. They dropped exploding potions, another bizarre Blizzardism: worth a lot of money, but useless in every other respect.

In a far corner of the Wastes, near a wrecked wagon and several human bodies, Bodiccea did a strange thing. "Ew! I stepped on a bug!"

"Yeah, so?"

"No, look at that thing! It's HUGE! Ew, there's more of them! EW, THEY'RE EATING THE DEAD ONE!!"

"Um, bugs do that. What about those lightning beetles earlier?"

"Oh, those are just demons. But that is a BIG, UGLY BUG!"

"I don't see what you're getting so upset about. Those are good-sized bugs, but they're just bugs. They're all over town."

Bodiccea's eyes widened. "They are?"

"Sure. Haven't you looked at the ground when we're in town? They're all over the place."

"EW!!!" Bodiccea jumped away from the growing cluster of bugs, carefully watching where she stepped.

Heather stared at her, shaking her head. "What about all the bats and rats and things in those other caves we've been in?"

"Oh, bats are kind of cute. They're fuzzy. But bugs are just icky!"

"Miss Bodiccea, sometimes, you're really weird."

Inside the Stony Tomb, they advanced forward, Bodiccea gingerly stepping over the beetles and scorpions. The only monsters were Skeletons, Burning Dead mages and Horrors, black skeletons that aren't that horrible at all. Here's a tip: if you're making a game and you name some monster a Horror, make sure it's something genuinely scary. They wandered around the small upper level, opening doors and kicking lots of urns. Bodiccea spent most fights standing still while Heather plinked away. In an embalming chamber, Heather finally reached level 17, and some new gear was waiting back in town: the unique chainmail Sparkling Mail, and the unique full helm Duskdeep, along with a note.

"Hey girl! This'll put you in the running again. You watch out for Miss Thang there, because in one move level, you get a new bow. Try not to embarrass her too much. ttfn!

-- The Mule"

Heather seemed much happier as they went downstairs to the equally small second level of the Stony Tomb. They found the golden chest of joy almost immediately, and killed the stone-skin Beetle boss guarding it without too much trouble. With the new mail, Heather's damage output almost doubled. In the next side chamber was Creeping Feature, the best-named unique in the game. She couldn't keep away from the poison clouds, but at least it didn't hurt her as much this time.

The last room was a room o' coffins: a whole bunch of them in a big X in the middle of the room. Four had Burning dead mages hiding inside, and one decent item: a druid pelt with +3 to Shock Wave and +2 to Maul and Hunger. No sockets, but that could be arranged. A werebear would like that, and since Bodiccea knew a werebear, she kept it for muling.

After a long dash across the wastes, they were in the Dry Hills, looking for the waypoint. A multi-shot Spear Cat met them at the entrance, throwing potions. By the way, explosive potions work about as well on characters as they do on monsters, even multiple ones. Cave Leapers and Undead Scavengers came behind them. Heather was killing things quicker, but the crowd got so thick that Bodiccea had to switch to Bloodthief and start killing; soon, blood from Open Wounds covered the hills like a big red afghan. After a fierce and bloody battle, the kitty dropped... their 19th charm of greed so far. Bleah.

Scooting along the wall which separated her first bi-level area (a neat idea, actually) into halves, they found the Halls of the Dead and the waypoint right next to each other. A convenient arrangement, that. Bodiccea decided to clear the area and leave the Halls for tomorrow. They found a few more things. Two pretty flying scimitars appeared out of an urn near a ruined house. A pack of champion Spear Cats, all lime green, dropped several chipped and flawed gems along with some rejuves. And finally... FINALLY... Heather hit 18th level when she killed the last Leaper in the whole area. A long battle bow studded with six perfect gems fell out of the sky and bonked off her head.

"Woo hoo!" Bodiccea yelled, clapping her hands. "You got it!"

"Wow," Heather said, and grabbed the bow. "How much damage am I doing?"

"Let's see. 'O'!"

Silently, they gazed at the left half of the screen. "Whoa," Bodiccea finally said.

"Whoa," Heather agreed.

"I think you're doing twice as much damage as me."

"Really?"

"'C'! Yeah, almost exactly twice as much."

"Whoa. Yeah. But, you hit three times to my one, so you're ok."

"Uh, yeah. I hope so. Well, I'll get some good stuff when I hit 25 and can start using exceptionals. Only four more levels to go."

Heather shrugged and smiled. "That's not long."

"No... and from here, you have to find your own kills. I'm not holding back anymore."

"Kind of figured you wouldn't. Want to hit the Halls?"

Bodiccea shook her head. "Nah, it's been a long day. Let's do the Halls in the morning."