Bodiccea (Chapter 21)

Template:Bodiccea nav After sunrise, Elzix went to Bodiccea's door, cleared his throat, and shouted, "Goooooood morning, Lut Gholein! It's 6:45 in the am, the weather is clear and dusty, with temperatures in the upper 90's. Traffic is light, but keep an eye out for accidents involving Saber Cats and yo' dead mama crawling out of her tomb to get ya. In other news, Lord Jerhyn's palace was declared free of demonic taint yesterday, thanks to the efforts of our favorite battlin' babe! No statement has been made about how they got in there in the first place. And now, over to sports! The International Volleyball League has denied all rumors that its balls are being stolen and used in black-market breast implants --"

Bodiccea finally yelled, "Ok, I'm up! You can shut up already."

"So you don't want to hear the scores from the tri-kingdom Rumpleball finals?"

"Frankenstein, I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with high explosives."

"Been there, done that," Elzix laughed, looking at what was left of his right arm. "Right now, the 64,000-gold piece question is: what's up for today?"

"Ugh," Bodiccea said, hauling herself out of bed. "Getting breakfast. Clearing the seven tombs. Spanking Duriel's floppy ass. Ideally in that order."

"Duriel? Who's that?"

"I mean Diablo. Sorry."

"Huh. Whatever. You know where Tal Rasha's tomb is, huh?"

"Oh, yeah," Bodiccea yawned. "It's got a waypoint. Not the tomb, I mean. The canyon."

"The tombs of the seven Archmages. Wish I could be there; guaranteed to be some good loot. But I hated fighting those tomb guardians even when I had a whole band with me."

"Yeah, they're icky," Bodiccea mumbled, pulling on her armor. "Ugh. I hate getting up in the morning."

The door cracked open, and a hand reached in to put down a tray with two buttered bran muffins, a glass of orange juice, and a bowl of melon slices. "Sounds good. Well, you know we're all counting on ya. Get your little heiney in motion and kill the bastard."

"Hey!" she said, covering herself and staring at the tray. "What'd you do that for?"

"You didn't order me this time, that's what for. Good luck."

Out in the Canyon of the Magi, the first monster Bodiccea and Heather encountered was... bugs. Devourers, to be precise. Grumbling as gobs of corrosive green slime splattered all over her nice new armor, Bodiccea ran in and stabbed them to death, giving priority to any and all unhatched eggs. "I'll probably run into these stupid things on the River of Flame, too," she thought. While they were scampering around, a group of Hell Cats noticed and came running up to die. They were nicer and much less gross. The javelin throwers were annoying, but they were easy enough to run down.

Urns, chests, and fresh corpses were scattered all over the canyon, despite the fact that it was supposed to be lost and beyond the knowledge of humankind. Maybe the desert nomads were supposed to know about it, and just didn't tell anybody. They found a rare Unraveler Head (this would be the place for it), a Lizard's Large Charm of Greed, and a Sorceress orb with mana leech. Bodiccea just shook her head at that last one. What delusion were the Blizzard programmers laboring under to think mana leech would be a great caster mod? You have to hit the critter to leech anything. But asking was about as pointless as asking why Tal Rasha's set has so many nice melee mods.

There were a few interesting things in the canyon. A guard corpse dropped a low quality cap, damaged scale mail, a crude volgue, and a cracked scimitar -- a full Act II merc set with the scimitar they always wear as a bonus. The true tomb was just to the right of the corner tomb, but they didn't go in immediately. It's traditional to clear everything else first. The first tomb on the left wall had a well right outside the door, so Bodiccea stripped down for her first bath in months.

"Are you sure that's a good idea?" Heather asked.

"The canyon's clear, and I hate having bug spit on me. Besides, action heroines always strip down for a slow, languorous bath every chance they get."

"I don't remember Lara Croft ever doing that."

Bodiccea laughed. "Oh, come on, Heather. That whole movie stank of fan service, even if they never did a bathtub scene. Did you know Angelina Jolie was wearing falsies? She had more than one set, too: big ones for up-close-and-personal shots, and smaller, firmer ones for action scenes."

After thinking about that for a few seconds, Heather incredulously asked, "Are you saying she had stunt boobs?"

"You got it! They gave her bigger ones in the second film, but not even that could save that steaming pile. Anyway, I'm getting a bath while I have a chance. Like Dirty Pair. I'll be Kei, you can be Yuri."

"Do I have to?"

"No. Yuri would be in here with me, so there'd be implied lesbianism and all the fanboys would slobber all over themselves with lust. Besides, my hair isn't red."

"Well, my hair isn't blue. What is the thing with blue hair, anyway?"

"I dunno," Bodiccea shrugged. "All I know is, if it's anime, someone has blue hair."

"Or green."

"Or purple, or some other color not found in nature. Whatever. I'm finished, let's clear that tomb."

The first Tal Rasha's Tomb, marked by a circle icon, was chock full of undead: Apparitions, Ghoul Lords, and, of course, Unravelers making it more trouble than it needed to be. They fended them off in style, targeting the big mummies first. One corner had 7 Unravelers spread out along the hallway -- not a boss or champion pack, just normal mummies. Past them was a mana burn Ghoul Lord, a real pain for someone with no mana leech.

In one storage room, after killing 5 Unravelers, Bodiccea found a Maiden Spear of Frost. "I like the Amazon spears. They look really stylish."

"It does look nice," Heather agreed. "Is it a good weapon?"

"A little slow, so I won't use it. I kind of wonder, though... why are they called Maiden spears?"

"I dunno. Why?"

Bodiccea smirked. "After you're speared, you're kind of not a maiden anymore..."

Heather blinked. "Um..."

Giggling, Bodiccea threw the spear back. "It's frosty, so no wonder it's still a maiden."

"Yeah," Heather muttered. "You know, that spear looked a lot like the ones all the guards in Lut Gholein use."

After a moment's blinking, Bodiccea laughed. "Yeah! They do look a lot alike! Does this mean all of Greiz's guys are maidens?"

Heather grinned a little. "I don't think so."

"We'd better not tell them they're using girl's spears. They'd get all squeamish."

"So you're going to, right?"

"Of course! But later. Let's finish off this damn tomb first. We'll tell them before we go to Kurast."

The treasure room was guarded by a beetle pack. The Crushing Blow mod on "Strength" is a waste if you're using Impale. The golden chest of joy wasn't very joyous, so they went on to the next tomb, the one marked by a crescent. This tomb was a big one, full of mummies both greater and lesser. Bodiccea went to gamble with Elzix twice before they were even halfway through the place.

Most of the tomb was an endless crawl, watching the experience counter slowly rise towards level 27. Skeletons and mummies were drawn away from Unravelers, the Unravelers were charged and Jabbed, and so on and on. When they found a corridor that looked just like the one Ancient Kaa always hangs out in, Heather sensed how tense Bodiccea got... but the corridor turned out to be empty.

"How dangerous is Ancient Kaa?"

"Ancient Kaa kills a lot of characters. More than any of the act bosses."

"But he's not even a quest boss. How bad can he be?"

"Heather... the more familiar you are with this game, the more you begin to think Blizzard really didn't know what they were doing when they made it. I mean, the character classes were supposed to be balanced, right? Go back to 1.0, and compare a Whirlwind Barb or a Corpse Explosion Necro to a Fist of the Heavens Paladin. They didn't think life or mana leech would be very important either. And Hephaesto the Armorer, the prelude to Diablo, was way more dangerous than the big D, who used to be kind of a pussy. It's sick."

"So... Ancient Kaa is a lot more powerful than they thought he would be?"

"Oh, yeah. He used to be in the true tomb, but they moved him out after they figured out how dangerous he was."

"Ok. We don't have to fight him, then."

"Sure we do, Heather. We're doing full clears, so we have to get him."

"Oh."

The next room was lair to a spectral hit Ghoul Lord, who dropped some socketed plate mail and a Corrosive Smoked Sphere. Sorcie lollipops with poison damage, a concept even worse than mana leech. In the corridor beyond, a stone skin Unraveler was waiting. It dropped some cracked plate mail, and another charm of greed. The corridor was also shaped like Ancient Kaa's... but he wasn't there either.

Slowly, they went through the huge tomb complex. Finds included another Maiden Spear, and a jewel of Envy. Bodiccea couldn't figure out why the Envy suffix adds poison damage, until she remembered that poison turns you green. Then they found a third Ancient Kaa corridor. Skeletons came wandering out. Like usual, they lured them back a short distance, then ran in to kill the Unraveler. Three of them were grouped together in the back corner. Heather's bowstring sang... and sparks danced across the hallway.

The mummies cast, and Skeletons started coming from behind them -- they didn't get the stupid things far enough away. Bodiccea ran across the hall, dodging sparks, with Heather close behind. Ancient Kaa was in the corner, and he only had two minions; so far, so good. As Skeletons slowly came up behind them, Bodiccea ran in close and Impaled. Heather concentrated her fire on the other two Unravelers, letting Bodiccea take him down. The fight went well for Bodiccea; a big spear and a huge amount of life leech kept her healthy. Heather almost died. After a few potions and some rest time, they agreed that Ancient Kaa was much nastier than Andarial and went on their merry way.

At the end of the last dead-end hallway, they still hadn't found the tomb's golden chest of joy, and there was only one door they hadn't opened -- way back by the tomb entrance. Behind the door was a short hall with a few mummies, and the door to the tomb's main treasure chamber. In case of Unravelers, they lured the mummies into the entrance room, and while killing them, Bodiccea hit level 27. As she let out a "woo hoo!" a spear fell out of nowhere and hit her on the head, followed by a big bunch of charms and a note.

"Hi there! You can get rid of the old spear, this one's a lot better. The charms are all inertia charms -- that'll speed you up. Let's see how fast a girl you can be!"

-- The Mule"

"Ow," Bodiccea said, rubbing her head. "Just couldn't wait, could he?"

"Nuh uh," Heather nodded. "That's a lot of charms."

"Wow, yeah, 10 of them. Hey, an 'Honor' War Fork! That's better than 'Strength' any day. Lessee... nice damage, +1 to skills, life leech, life regeneration... hey, does deadly strike stack with critical strike?"

"I think it does. We can look it up."

"Nah," Bodiccea grinned. "Why research when you can experiment? Let's go see what my new toys can do."

Not very long afterwards, Fara saw a cloud of dust streaking towards her from the direction of the docks. A rush of wind blasted up to her, and when she'd opened her eyes again, Bodiccea was standing there, panting and staring with wild eyes and a huge grin. Her hair was a disheveled mess, and there were bugs in her teeth.

"HiyahiyahiyahiyaHIYA!!!! WeweredowninthistombwithsomeprettyghostiesandIwaslike WHEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! causetheghostieswereprettycolorsandtheywent OOOOOOOOOO!!!!! andIwentstabbystabbystabbystabbystabbystabbyandtheywent OOOOOOOO-POP!!!!! andCathansmeshandthisrareBababahatcamePOPrightoutandIwent WHEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!! andameanmummysaid 'Iwantmymummy'!!! anditwasFUNNY'causeitsamummy!!! Iwentuptoit stabbystabbystabbystabbystabbyfalldownBOOM! allthehappyskelliesallaroundforaparty WHEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!! stabbystabbystabbystabbystabby WOWthisislikethetimeIate A WHOLE POUND OF CHOCOLATE COVERED ESPRESSO BEANS tostayawakefornightwatch!!!!! Ithink HeatherwastheretooIdon'trememberverymuchIwasbouncingoffthewallsbutthat'sOKIcome withmyownbumpers WHEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!! IcangettheamuletwithmanaleechIhaveinmybox butIdon'twannarightnowIgosleepynowbyebye"

... and then she fell over with a thud. As the dust settled, Heather came up, carrying an armload of treasure. "Hello, Lady Fara. Here are some things from a golden chest. How is she?"

"Unconscious. Dare I ask the cause?"

"I think she's carrying too many charms. There's hardly any room in her pack."

"Ah, I understand," Fara nodded. "I have seen this sort of thing before. Let us get her to her room, she will need bed rest and quiet. We may also wish to clean her teeth."

"Ok," Heather said. "I'll help you carry her."

"No need," Fara said, and with surprising strength, hoisted Bodiccea up onto her shoulder in a fireman's carry. "Bring her spear." Then she smiled a little. "You realize, I am appointing to you the defense of her 'Honor'."

After she stopped staring, Heather grinned. "Which is probably more than she ever did."

Fara kept a diplomatic silence. "She mentioned an amulet among her things..."

"Oh yeah, and gloves. I'll get them. I guess we're not going to explore the Tomb of Tal Rasha tonight after all."

"Doubtless not. Let us go, and quickly." Fara shifted Bodiccea on her shoulder. "Though your mistress is lightly clad, she nonetheless could stand to lose a bit of weight."

Heather laughed. "Don't tell her that! She'd have a nervous breakdown."