Bodiccea (Chapter 26)

Template:Bodiccea nav The next morning, Bodiccea was ready to go while Heather was still sleepy, so she went to find Amanita and Xanthippe by herself. It's not like they're joined at the hip or something. Amanita was easy to locate, out in active memory reading a web page, but Bodiccea couldn't find Xanthippe, in act II or elsewhere. A diligent search finally turned her up in one of the other games, trying on a deep red gown in a luxurious bedroom suite. Her hair was loose and her feet were bare as she turned this way and that in front of a full-length mirror.

"Green's more your color," Bodiccea snipped.

Xanthippe jumped with a gratifying shriek, then whirled around, eyes blazing. "What the fuck's the matter with you?! Don't you know how to knock?"

"Sorry if I might have caught you with somebody," Bodiccea lied, with a big cheesy grin all over her face. "Come on! Let's go talk with your little co-conspirator."

"What?! Jerhyn isn't here anymore. And don't you go near him!"

Bodiccea looked pointedly at the rumpled bed. "I kind of figured that out for myself. I'm talking about Amy. You know, Ms. Mental?"

"Huh?"

"I know what you two are up to!" she said, grabbing Xanthippe by the bodice. "Come on! I've got something to tell the both of you."

Her eyes narrowing to obsidian slits, Xanthippe closed her fingers around Bodiccea's wrist and squeezed until the larger woman's grip loosened. Soon, Bodiccea had her face mashed into the wall and her arm twisted painfully high up behind her back. "I made matriarch for a reason," Xanthippe snarled. "Now, what the hell are you babbling about?"

"Ow. Ow. Leggo. Ow!"

"Oh, forget it," Xanthippe said as she released Bodiccea. "So, you've got an idea rattling around in that big empty space you call a head?"

"Yes!" Bodiccea said, pouting and rubbing her arm.

"You think Amanita and I are conspiring against you?"

"I know you did!" Bodiccea yipped. "You made me look stupid in front of everybody! They were all laughing at me!"

For a long moment, Xanthippe just stared. "What makes you think it takes two people working together to make you look stupid?"

Glaring, Bodiccea said, "Look, just come on so we can find Amy! I don't wanna have to tell you off, then go tell her off!"

"What, are you afraid you'll forget what you were going to say?"

"No! I'm busy, unlike some people, and I don't like repeating myself anyway!"

Xanthippe sighed. "Fine, whatever. Let's find her and get this over with. Anything so you talk less is a good thing."

Out by the web browser window, Amanita looked up as Xanthippe and Bodiccea came tromping over. "Hi, long time no see. Cute dress. Didn't have it in green?"

"There was a green one," Xanthippe said, "but I didn't like it. The skirt was too short."

Amanita raised an eyebrow. "Shorter than that butt-wrap you started out with?"

As Bodiccea burst out laughing, Xanthippe glared. "Look. I know they stuck us in those tiny outfits, but that doesn't mean I had to like it."

"Mmm," Amanita shrugged. "Anyway, I should be one to talk. I got pants the first chance I could too. Whatchoo two up to?"

"Oh! Yeah," Bodiccea stopped laughing and did her best to look serious. "I just want you two to know, in spite of all the whispering behind my back, and trying to embarrass me, that I do not care what you or anyone else thinks of me!"

For several long seconds, they both stared at Bodiccea. After loudly clearing her throat, Amanita at long last said, "Yeah, and?"

"Why did I let this bimbo drag me all the way out here?" Xanthippe muttered.

"That's all," Bodiccea said, standing tall and proud. "You can't hurt me, 'cause I don't care what you think. You can try to make me look stupid in front of everybody, it doesn't matter 'cause I know you're only doing it because you're just jealous."

Now it was Xanthippe's turn to burst out laughing. Amanita managed some restraint, but she still barely suppressed a grin. "Ok, this is new. What are we jealous of?"

Smiling triumphantly, Bodiccea started counting on her fingers. "I am better looking than you, I am more stylish than you, I am..." She bit her lip, thinking, "I am..."

Amanita slowly nodded. "You're closer to naked than us?"

"Yeah! Obviously, I have a lot more to show off than you, and you're jealous!"

Xanthippe tried to respond, but broke out in more giggles instead. "Um... ok." Amanita started laughing. "Lemme ask a coupla questions..."

"Shoot," Bodiccea smiled confidently.

"How much does your back hurt after a day of running around?"

The smile curdled a little. Bodiccea shrugged a little and bravely said, "Some."

"Can you sleep on your stomach?"

"Uh... not really, no."

"How about finding clothes that fit right off the rack?"

Bodiccea's face slowly fell. "Um... no. Not a chance."

Chuckling, Amanita went back to looking at the web page. "I'm not jealous."

"Well, you had some reason for wanting me to look stupid!"

"Yeah!" Xanthippe giggled, leaning over Amanita's shoulder. "And we conspired together to do it to her!"

"Who'd need a conspiracy to do that?"

"Don't you start!" Bodiccea snapped. "All I know is, you sent her off after Jerhyn, she was gone, and everybody started laughing at me!"

"Oh," Amanita tried to suppress a guffaw. "Ok, that was kind of mean."

"What was everybody laughing about?" Xanthippe asked.

"Her throwing a big hissy fit about you being off with Jerhyn."

"Cool!" Xanthippe snorted. "I wish I'd seen it."

"HEY!" Bodiccea shouted. "That's one more reason I'm better than you! If I got a guy away from one of you, I wouldn't go around gloating about it!"

The others looked at Bodiccea, and said, almost in unison, "Yes, you would."

Bodiccea drew herself up in righteous indignation, then shrugged. "Ok, yeah I would. But I still got a better Ormus poem than either of you."

"That's your opinion," Amanita said.

"And you can have it," Xanthippe said. "Do you even know what those words meant?"

"Sure! There was boobular, bumful, asstastic... uh... whatever, it was great."

"How about 'calliphyligical'?"

"Uh... ok, what's that mean?"

Xanthippe smirked. "It's from callipygian, meaning 'possessing large, shapely buttocks'."

"Wait a minute." Bodiccea frowned. "Was he saying I have a big butt?"

"Why wouldn't he?" Amanita said, not looking away from the web page. "You do have a big butt."

"I'll kick his ass later. What is that you keep looking at, anyway?"

"It's a fan fiction web site," Amanita said, "with critiques. They've got some interesting stuff to say."

"Yeah? Like what?"

"Apparently, you can tell bad fan fiction because there's only three types of woman: the slut, the b!tch, and the man with t!ts. Most bad fanfic writers are male. They write women either the way they want them to be, the way they think they are, or they just write manly stuff and have a woman doing it."

"Huh," Bodiccea nodded, and looked at Xanthippe. "Well, I'm the biggest b!tch here, so I guess that makes you the slut."

"Oh, hell no," Xanthippe crossed her arms. "Nobody dressed like that deserves to call anybody else a slut."

"Can't argue with that," Bodiccea grinned. "Maybe I'm the b!tch and the slut."

"I'm more of a b!tch than you ever were. The only way you're bigger is height."

"That's not the only way!" Bodiccea bounced. "Ok, I'll let you be the b!tch. Sluts have more fun anyway."

"Uh, say..." Amanita frowned, "what makes you two so sure I'm the guy with t!ts?"

Xanthippe and Bodiccea looked at her quietly, then looked over at each other. "Don't tell her," Xanthippe said. "She might snap."

Bodiccea, meanwhile, had noticed something. "Wait... are you wearing lipstick?"

Xanthippe glanced down, though she couldn't actually look at her own lips. Quite uncharacteristically for her, she seemed a little embarrassed. "Um... just a little."

"No way just a little, you've got way too much on. And bright red is SO not your color. What are you doing wearing red lipstick?"

"I... just thought I'd try it. Like from that song. You know, 'raven hair, ruby lips, sparks fly from her fingertips...'"

"Oh, no no no..." Bodiccea rolled her eyes. "Didn't anyone ever teach you how to put on makeup? You went to a women's school, right?"

Xanthippe frowned. "The Zann Esu teach combat magic, not... girl stuff."

"Never mind, never mind," Bodiccea said, hurriedly pulling out a makeup case. "Everyone needs to learn about this sometime. Now listen: if you want to keep men in line, mascara and a good foundation will do more for you than a million fireballs. My first piece of advice is: NEVER take makeup advice from a man. Hair, fashions, room decoration, but NEVER makeup. Your face is too important to leave to amateurs. And don't listen to bad songs written by men who don't know any better either. Ruby red was the 'Hi, I'm a slut!' color of the late 70's; I do NOT think that's what you want."

"Um... no..."

"Didn't think so. What your coloring needs is a dark purple, maybe a bronze. I don't have anything that's not for my skin tones, but I'll do what I can. Bronze eyeliner, just a little mascara, no powder, and I think this lip color will work. Let me check. Yeah, that's good on you. Hold still! If you keep squirming it'll go everywhere. And hold this mirror up so you can see what I'm doing. I won't be here to do this all the time! And while I'm thinking about it, we need to do something with your hair."

By now, Xanthippe was looking slightly overwhelmed. "What's wrong with my hair?"

"You've got great hair! But you can't let it hang loose like that. You've got a triangular face and not much cheekbones, so loose straight hair will not flatter you. That thing you do with your little hair net is ok, but there are other possibilities. Amy, could you give me some braids at her temples? I want two on the left side and one on the right, asymmetrical looks are in right now."

Amanita, who was regarding all this with a mixture of amusement and disbelief, said, "What makes you think I know how to braid hair?"

"Oh, I do not believe this," Bodiccea snorted. "Do I have to do everything? Both of you pay attention. This is IMPORTANT. Now, the best way..."

After almost 20 minutes of struggling and lecturing, Bodiccea leaned back with a satisfied (and smudged) smile. "There! Now do you see what a little effort can do?"

Xanthippe just sat there, blinking into the mirror. "Um... wow."

"Yeah," Amanita slowly nodded. "Damn. You look like a girl all of a sudden."

"That is the idea, you know," Bodiccea smirked. "I still cannot believe no one ever taught you two about this. Makeup is SO IMPORTANT."

"You said that already," Amanita replied. "So, why is it important to you?"

After giving Amanita a look of great disappointment, Bodiccea said, "Ladies, we have one truly awesome hold over men: their appetites. Men are like floor tiles: lay them right the first time, and you can walk all over them forever. Hair, clothes, makeup, all that 'girly stuff'? They're our weapons and armor. Spears and bows are ok for demons, but the real battle is in the bedroom."

Xanthippe looked up with a frown. Slowly nodding, Amanita said, "You're a 'The Rules' girl, ain'tcha?"

"'The Rules' is a great book," Bodiccea nodded. "There's a lot of wisdom in there, from women who've dealt with men their whole lives. You're not going to find experience like that with a bunch of Sorceresses who ran off and hid in the jungle."

They all went quiet, and the conversation died and fell with an almost audible thud. After packing up her makeup case, Bodiccea said, "Great. Now, remember what I told you, ok?"

"I will," Xanthippe nodded.

"Good. I better get going again. Talk to you later."

Once she was gone, Xanthippe slowly stood up and adjusted her dress. "Why do I want to get back into armor all of a sudden?"

"Because Jerhyn doesn't like you for your hairstyle or makeup or fashion sense? I feel like I need to take a bath."

"Yeah!" Xanthippe laughed. "Kind of. Do you think Jerhyn would like me like this?"

"Uh... probably." Amanita shrugged. "You look good. Just don't go over to the dark side, huh? One 'total woman' around here is all I can take." Then she laughed, and said in a high-pitched squeak, "No! Stay good, Xany! Stay good!"

"Stay bad, you mean!" Xanthippe giggled. "I was never good."

"Oh, I dunno..." Amanita gazed heavenward innocently. "You didn't show your face around here for three days. My guess is you were doing something good."

"Um..." Xanthippe grinned sheepishly, her face darkening. "Well... maybe."

"Cool, I guess. I never liked Jerhyn. He came off like kind of a weasel to me."

"Jerhyn was trapped in a terrible dilemma!" Xanthippe said, her voice suddenly rising almost to a shout. "What was he supposed to do with --"

"Ok, ok! Don't bite my head off."