Bodiccea (Chapter 32)

Template:Bodiccea nav Before charging into Travincal, Bodiccea went up to Asheara's. It was late, but she was still up. "Heya, Ashy-babe! How's the world treatin' ya?"

"Like usual," Asheara half-smiled, still a little irritated by the name. "You're looking good."

"Thanks!" Bodiccea bounced happily. "Ooh, your feet look so much prettier!"

Asheara rubbed the sole of one foot over the top of the other. "They kind of itch."

"That's ok, there's creams for that." Producing a bottle, Bodiccea said, "Now, this is a great product called 'Nair'. Let me show you how to use it..."

Asheara took a step back. "Isn't that that hair-removal stuff?"

After blinking in surprise for a moment, Bodiccea nodded vaguely, saying, "Ashy, I'm sorry, I thought you didn't know. The first time I saw you, I thought you just needed to bathe more, but when I got a closer look I could see you might want --"

Frowning, Asheara crossed her arms. "No. I look fine."

Still looking confused, Bodiccea laughed nervously, and said, "Um... I'm sorry, but you may have the hairiest legs I've ever seen on a woman. Your arms too; I've seen men with less body hair. Now, this is incredibly easy to use, and leaves your skin so soft! I got the melon-cucumber scent, it only takes a few minutes --"

"BACK. OFF."

Obviously surprised, Bodiccea said, "Um... I'm sorry, I know you like yourself just the way you are --"

"Hell yeah, I do." Asheara glowered darkly.

"That's good!" Bodiccea nodded vigorously. "That is good, really good -- everyone should be as happy with themselves as someone as totally cool as you! But there are still some small, very minor things you could be doing, that, you know, only another woman can really see... I know you hang around with guys here -- which is great! I wish I had this many men around me! -- but sometimes, you know, it takes a woman's eye to see where you might be doing something wrong -- just a little thing! -- and maybe suggest how --"

Slowly, almost wearily, Asheara said, "Blondie..."

She almost jumped. "Uh-huh?"

"Do you ever talk about anything but hair and clothes and makeup and sh!t?"

Bodiccea stared, then laughed a little. "Well, what else is there?" When Asheara's eyes snapped up to glare flaming hot death at her, Bodiccea put up her hands and shouted, "Joke! Joke! Ha, ha! Ok, I know, you've been competing in a man's world for a long time, and it's totally great that you've done so well! I mean, you're a successful businesswoman... leader of a band of cut-throat mercenaries feared by... uh... feared throughout the land... You had to be really tough to get where you are today!"

"Uh huh," Asheara nodded. "And I do not care if my legs are hairy. So talk about something else."

Bodiccea nodded, but sighed a bit. "All right. What do you want to talk about?"

Asheara smiled. "How about sex?"

Heather leaned over and whispered in Aphelia's ear, "Here it comes."

Bodiccea fidgeted a bit, and said, "That's... um... can I at least show you how to bleach out your little mustache?"

Asheara's hand snapped up in front of her mouth. "NO."

"No, it's awful thick!" Bodiccea peered closer. "I'm amazed I didn't notice before; are you shaving in the mornings?"

"Look!" Asheara glowered, "I did not get where I am by being soft and smooth and smelling like fruit. I do better with some rough edges." Then she grinned. "Besides, sex is a lot more fun when you're not worried about smearing anything. And that's the whole point of wearing all that crap, isn't it?"

Eyes wide, Bodiccea said, "Oh, Ashy... you have been in a man's world too long. 'All that crap' has nothing to do with sex! It's to make men think about it and want you so much, they'll do anything!"

"And then... ?"

"And then, they'll be so, like, flustered and stuff, you'll rule! And you have to keep 'em like that! I mean, why would a guy give you what you want if he gets what he's after first?"

Asheara nodded. "What if you want sex too?"

For several long seconds, Bodiccea stood there, stunned into silence. Finally, she stammered, "Uh... the chase is always better than what comes after."

"You're not listening. What if you want sex too?"

Now completely baffled, Bodiccea tried several times to speak, finally blurting out, "Why would you give away sex? That's the best thing we have to keep men in line! Our bodies are our most precious commodity, you don't just give them away!"

Asheara gave Bodiccea a very skeptical stare. "Personal question."

"Yes?"

"Have you ever really been in a serious relationship with anybody?"

Aphelia smiled, and leaned over to whisper in Heather's ear, "NOW here it comes."

After a quick, vindictive glance back at Aphelia, Bodiccea declared, "Yes!"

"How serious was it? 'Cause I don't think you have."

"It was serious! We were together for... like... two months."

"Excuse me?" Aphelia raised her hand. "It was more like two weeks."

"Right," Asheara nodded. "So: did you two have sex?"

Bodiccea, who had been silently snarling at Aphelia to shut up, turned pink to the roots of her hair and shouted, "That's kind of nosy, isn't it?"

"Yeah. Did you?"

After a few moments of glancing around the room, Bodiccea said, "I've had sex."

Asheara raised one eyebrow. "With another person?"

"Uh..." Bodiccea turned even redder, fidgeting and passing her spear from hand to hand. After a long silence, she began examining the tops of her boots. "No."

The room was quiet for almost a minute, before Asheara burst out in laughter. "Oh, man... no wonder you sound like a soap opera, you probably get your ideas there, right?"

"I don't have time for soaps anymore," Bodiccea muttered.

"Right," Asheara laughed. "Yeah. Whatever. Gawd, you are a piece of work."

Still blushing, Bodiccea snapped, "What's that supposed to mean?"

"You know so much, you figure it out." Asheara chuckled. "Look... I love the view, but I'm sick of the bullsh!t. When you want something, get it yourself; nobody's gonna give it to you no matter how much skin you show. And, while it'd be tempting to show you what sex is, you wouldn't be worth the trouble. I'm going to sleep. Get outta here."

"But --"

"Leave."

As she tromped away, Bodiccea began muttering darkly, finally speaking aloud once they were out of earshot. "What was that? Who the fvck does she think she is, talking to me like that? Just WHO does she think SHE IS!?"

"Boddy," Aphelia said, "I don't think Asheara likes you anymore."

"No thanks to you!" Bodiccea snapped. "I come over to talk, I'm only trying to help, and what does she do? She starts prying into my personal life and making fun of me. That little witch, they're all the same..."

"It's ok, Miss B," Heather patted her on the shoulder. "Maybe she got tired of you giving her so much advice."

"What's wrong with that? I am just trying to help! She needs help!"

"Boddy?" Aphelia asked. "Remember that kid back at the temple, the one who was telling you how to swim and dive and do acrobatics?"

"That little brat? You would not have believed her, Heather. Five years younger than me, and telling me how to do a forward flip, and... oh, I get it."

"Yeah," Heather laughed a little. "I think Miss Asheara thinks she knows more about how to relate to men than you do."

"Maybe," Bodiccea nodded. "She's... oh, hell, she does. Heather? Please don't tell the others about this. I'd never live it down."

Heather nodded, smiling. "Ok."

Bodiccea gave her a hug. "Thanks. I wonder what she meant by 'showing me what sex is'? Was she gonna order one of her guys to... ?"

Aphelia smiled faintly. "I don't think so."

"But what else could she do? Ok, ordering some guy to do it is kind of gross, and I would have beat the crap out of him if he tried, but --"

"Miss B?" Heather asked. "It's getting really late now. Why don't we just go to sleep and forget about this?"

Bodiccea sighed and rubbed her temples. "I don't think I could sleep right now. Let's go back to Travincal and get the waypoint. Maybe kill the council."

"Sure," Heather smiled. "Take your mind off things."

"Something, yeah."

Three Night Lords met them at the gate. One survived long enough to run away, straight towards the waypoint; Bodiccea saw no reason not to follow. He stopped when a group of Zealots joined the fight, and three Heirophants began casting Blizzards and healing spells. If they'd given the Paladin healing spells this good, Bodiccea thought, more people might play Cleric builds. She ran through to the Heirophants, leaving the Zealots for the others. After touching the waypoint, she decided to go for the council.

After clearing a champion pack of Night Lords off the central dais, Bodiccea led her minions to the blackened tower. Strange name for it: it's not a tower, or much darker than anything else in the city. Anyway, they went in. The Water Watchers in the ponds outside ducked down, two council guys came loping out, and Bodiccea backed up to isolate them from the others. Aphelia didn't back out, though, and Heather stayed behind to support her. Cursing, Bodiccea ran back in.

As Bodiccea came back, Heather moved off to one side, attracting a large group of Zealots. Aphelia wandered past a Water Watcher on the other side, and got knocked back far enough to get the attention of some Night Lords. More Councilors came out, and Bodiccea furiously Fended them off. The next few minutes were a blur: Water Watchers spat their little guts out, Zealots scampered here and there, and Councilors summoned Hydrae and hobbled into combat. A Frost Nova went off, and many items dropped. Blood spurted, poison splattered, and firebolts roared across the water. It was truly a mess.

When everything had stopped moving, Bodiccea called out in the dark, "Heather?"

"I'm right here behind you."

"AH! Don't do that. Is that everything?"

"Yeah. You have Inner Sight too, you know."

"I know, I just forget about it. See if you can find a flail around here."

After a bit of fumbling around, Heather asked, "Is this it?"

"It is spiky with balls shaped like skulls?"

There was a short silence. "I thought it was supposed to be a saint's weapon."

"Look, don't ask me about Blizzard's aesthetic choices. Have you seen what the Amazon is wearing in the Install screen for this game? Leather elf shoes and knee-high stockings under a loincloth? Please!"

"I thought those were calf-high boots with ankle bracelets."

"Whichever, they're U. G. L. Y. Even Sigon's boots are an improvement."

While they were looking, Aphelia wandered back. "Oh, hi Aphie! As long as you're glowing, could you stand right over here?"

"Of course. This is a respectable pile."

"Yeah... the council drops a lot of crap. Here it is! Back to town!"

Back on the docks, Bodiccea nudged Cain in the ribs until he got up. "Oh! Ridding Kurast of the council was necessary --"

"Yeah, yeah, but it doesn't take care of the evil curse on this land, and doubtless Diablo and Baal have surely found their brother by now. I'm gonna craft the flail now. You don't have to congratulate me on how skillfully I open the cube and press the button. It's not that hard."

"Diablo and Baal have found their brother," Ormus said from the other side of the pyramid, "and have held their dark gathering. The portal to Hell is open, but they have broken their company, leaving it unguarded for you."

"Shhh!" Bodiccea hissed theatrically. "Don't tell poor ol' Cain, he still thinks we have a chance in Hell of doing this! How do you know the gate's already open, anyway?"

"The sight of the mystic is obscure to the eyes of others."

Bodiccea stepped around the corner. "Well, the butt of the Amazon's spear can whack the mystic repeatedly in the yin-yangs. You know, everybody thinks you're in on something evil, or you know something. So: do you actually know anything, or is this all 'I knew that was going to happen' psychic crap?"

Impassive as a granite spire, Ormus held his staff before him to block any sudden low blows and intoned, "Clarity is for the knowledgeable. Only those who know little appreciate how little is worth knowing."

"Right," Bodiccea hefted her spear. "Interrogation over. Commence beating."

Ormus smiled. "Child, you simply do not ask Ormus the right questions."

"I already know the answers to the right questions!"

"Then Ormus can impart no wisdom to you. You are, he might say, full of it."

"Oh, ha ha. Ok, then: why is it called the Durance of Hate?"

"A durance is a prison," Heather said.

"So why not call it the Prison of Hate? Or the Jail of Hate? You could call it the Gaol of Hate if you want to get all British on us."

The slightest trace of irritation infected Ormus' otherwise imperturbable features. "The name of a thing will not reveal its essence."

Heather smiled. "Maybe we could call it 'Mephy's Fabulous Green Breastplate Emporium?' That's what everybody thinks it is."

Bodiccea laughed. "There you go! Sounds like this was yet another aesthetic decision. Like naming it the Disused Reliquary, not Kurast Temple #5. Ok, I can sense the enormous lack of interest here. Let's go."

In her hand, Khalim's flail looked like a small whip. Once she got Heather to stop giggling and making leather jokes, Bodiccea smashed the Compelling Orb and opened their way into the Durance. Then they went around Travincal, mopping up the Heirophants and Night Lords. Having the Zealots turn on their priests would have been really cool, but they were probably supposed to be too discouraged for that. All they did was cower and run away, which was kind of a pity. Some of them might be cute if you scraped the black stuff off.

The Durance was drenched in blood and gore. Bodies were piled up everywhere, and the floor was as sticky as a movie theater after a kiddie matinee. Maulers, Stygian Dolls, and Cadavers populated the first floor. Flayer Skeletons are quick, but they weren't dangerous yet, and the long reach of a spear helps deal with them. There were lots of chests, most of them locked; Bodiccea went through a lot of keys.

"I wonder what the deal is with locked chests in here?" she muttered, looking over her dwindling key ring. "Even the lights are in keyhole patterns."

"I know," Aphelia said, standing quite harmlessly in one of the braziers. "I suspect it's intended to be some kind of irony."

"Yeah," Heather said. "Like Mephisto's supposed to be commenting on prisons, and how locking him in didn't do any good."

Bodiccea considered that. "Hmm... yeah, probably. Iron bars make not a cage and all."

Aphelia shook her head. "More like, locking him in physically lulled everybody into feeling secure, but did not interfere with his corruption of the land."

"Jeebus, Aphie, you're starting to sound like Ormus. Here's the stairs. Let's go."

Level 2 of the Durance was much the same as level 1; it even had the same monsters. Stifling yawns, Bodiccea and her merry band cleared the level, and hit level 31. She put the skill point in Fend, since she'd lost a jav/spear skill level when she switched amulets. The waypoint was right next to the stairs down to level 3, an ideal arrangement for Meph runs.

Rubbing her eyes, Bodiccea mumbled, "Man! I haven't been up this late in a long time. I hope I'm not getting old."

Heather yawned, and shook her head. "Should we just go home? It's really late."

"Um..." Bodiccea stared blearily at the stairs, right next door to them. "Ah, what the heck. I think I can sleepwalk through a fight with Meph, he's not that tough."

"What about Bremm Sparkfist?"

"He used to be bad when he was always lightning enchanted. Come on, we know the layout down there like the back of my hand, and Meph's a pussy. Dodge the cold ball and get in his face, he goes down like that. Let's get him."

The familiar walls of the Durance of Hate, level 3 soon stretched out before them. There were no Stygian Dolls, the Night Lords and random Councilors died without a fuss, and Meph used his cold ball on Aphelia. She vanished, but gave Bodiccea enough time to get nice and close to Mephisto and Jab him to death. He dropped the Berserker's Hatchet and a bunch of blue items. Bodiccea then amused herself with the evil spirits. It turns out they're invisible things that attack once, but stay there afterwards -- you can't walk through their spots.

"Man, it would be so cool if, just once, we could do something like close this gate and go after Baal instead of wasting time in Hell."

Heather sighed. "Yeah. It might actually save the world."

"Oh, there you go about that again. If we save the world, there won't be a Diablo III."

"Will there be a Diablo III?"

Bodiccea raised an eyebrow. "How much money do you think Diablo II has made?"

"Oh, yeah," Heather yawned. "I hope there's still Rogues. I want to see how it ends."

"Sure," Bodiccea grinned. "Rogues are a great excuse for some cheesecake."

"Yeah," Heather rolled her eyes. "Do you think we'll have better outfits?"

"If by 'better' you mean 'less skimpy', not a chance. Remember our audience."

"Sometimes, I wanna kick our audience in the nuts."

Bodiccea laughed. "Aw, c'mon. They've stuck women in lots worse things in games."

"Thas true." Yawning fiercely, Heather pointed to the Hellgate. "Well, Miss B, the plot awaits. I think you have to go in first."

"Sure," Bodiccea said, kicking one of the three fresh, white skulls Mephisto always drops. "What do you think these are supposed to be?"

"They probably mean the Three have linked their spirits to those three dead guys. So long as those skulls exist they'll always have a spiritual pathway to our world, and since we can't touch those skulls we're all doomed no matter what. Miss B, I'm falling asleep standing up! Can't we just go?"

"Awright, awright! Lemmee grab the Soulstone. Ok! Over the bridge and through the gate, it's off to Hell we go..."

Concluding thoughts:

1. Fast attacks are really nice, but fast movement is not so great for anyone with a merc or summons. A lone archer would benefit the most, melee types less so.
2. The lightning spear skills have hefty mana requirements, especially considering how weak they are. And everyone thinks Lightning Strike is weaker than most...
3. Item-wise, String of Ears rocks. Every character I've used this on has benefited. The whole council went away so quickly... it's a shame I only have one.