Bodiccea (Chapter 34)

Template:Bodiccea nav Cold gray ash crunched underfoot as they entered the Outer Steppes. Hoping that distance might make Battle Mistress Phoebe a little easier to tolerate, Bodiccea ran down the stairs, but they found the Valkyrie waiting at the bottom. Some Doom Casters met them there, and during the battle, a Doom Knight boss pack came over. It was a short fight, like usual, and neither Bodiccea nor Heather had a scratch on them when it was over.

Feeling a bit smug, Bodiccea smirked at Phoebe, who'd just stood there watching during the battle. "Ok, Heather. That went pretty good."

"Pretty good?!" Phoebe spat. "Your grammar is worse than your combat skills! Why were you using Jab on that Knight?"

Bodiccea frowned. "Because Jab is what you use on lone targets. After we killed the --"

"You saw its modifiers clearly. Tell me, what does 'stone skin' mean?"

After taking as deep a breath as she could with her armor laced up, Bodiccea replied, "It's a boss mod that gives the unique monster resistance to physical damage --"

"So..." Phoebe asked, with long-suffering mock-patience, "... why, in the depths of your ignorance, did you see fit to rely on a purely physical skill when your Goddess-given lightning skills were obviously the better choice?"

"Jab is much fas --"

"So you can do less damage faster?!" Phoebe snapped. "Someday, stone skin bosses will be immune to physical, and so will a lot of other things! What do you plan to do then? Do you think that 1-2 cold damage charm is going to save your tender pink hide?!"

Through gritting teeth, Bodiccea answered, "By that time, I --"

"You'll WHAT? Have another spear, loaded down with jewels and gems, so you don't have to waste points on 'useless' skills? You spoiled young hussies make me sick. In my day, we didn't have blacksmiths standing by around every corner, ready to patch up our equipment! We had to be careful, and make every shot count. Yeah, spears have lousy durability... SO WE HAD TO LEARN TO FIGHT BETTER!! That's what made us great! And we didn't get any uniques dropped in our laps either! In my day, any one of us would have killed for Bloodthief! We had to make do with whatever pointy sticks we could find, AND WE LIKED IT THAT WAY!! You couldn't do SQUAT without a fancy rune-spear and sparkly jewelry and that skimpy little leather nightgown. Throw you out in the field with we had to make war with, and in no time you'd be fleeing back to the baggage train, squealing like a stuck pig, BEGGING for something decent to wear!! And what's more..."

Heather was sure she could hear Bodiccea's teeth grinding. She leaned in close and whispered, "When will she stop?"

"Used to be," Bodiccea muttered, "her lungs would have given out by now."

"WHAT WAS THAT!?!"

"Nothing, Battle Mistress Phoebe!"

The butt of Phoebe's spear flashed up again, thudding into Bodiccea's gut. "You still think I'm half-deaf, don't you, you cow?" After pausing to spit in the dirt, she went on: "You spoiled little soft-bellies, with your gemmed bows and new-fangled jewels... My generation fought hard with NOTHING to make the islands safe for you, and what kind of gratitude do we get from you? NOTHING!! When I was young, we had REAL fighting to do, and we gave our elders the respect they deserved! None of this... DID I GIVE YOU PERMISSION TO GO OUT THERE?"

While Bodiccea was trying to get her breath back, Heather had wandered off, as far as she dared to go. When Phoebe yelled, she jumped and started firing into the distance. "There are demons over here, Miss Phoebe!"

"I have to go help!" Bodiccea gasped, sprang to her feet, and ran to the rescue. She kept going past Heather until they found some Trapped Souls.

As Heather shot the souls, she glanced at Bodiccea. "You've got to do something..."

"Gawd, I know," Bodiccea rubbed her temples. "But I don't know what! I am in hell!"

Heather laughed mirthlessly, and almost said something before a metallic shriek announced Phoebe's arrival. "This is it?!" she snorted. "Trapped Souls?"

"I think I see more Doom Knights over there!" Bodiccea pointed in a random direction, and charged off.

And so it went. For hours, a desperate attempt to find enough privacy to plan Phoebe's exit ranged all across the Outer Steppes. In quick snatches, enough conversation took place to cement certain conclusions in their minds:

1. Trying to get rid of Phoebe, and having it not work, would make her mad. Whatever they do has to work the first time.
2. Trying to summon another Valkyrie didn't work with Aphelia, and probably wouldn't work now. Phoebe would be only too happy to come back and kick their asses.
3. Leaving her alone in the middle of a crowd of monsters to die would be cruel. They also weren't sure these Hell-beasts could kill her, and if they didn't, she'd REALLY be mad.
4. When she gained a level, Bodiccea could improve her Valkyrie skill and summon another Valk. Killing Izual would also net some skill points. The problem was... what would Phoebe's replacement be like?

With Phoebe behind them, their pace around the steppes was fast, even frantic. There was hardly any time to inspect loot, just sell it and move on. Bodiccea hardly even took the time to joke about all the hung skeletons they found. There were plenty of big boners -- excuse me, big bones -- scattered on the ground. Most of them looked human, but a lot bigger; either people were larger back in ye olden tymes, or Blizzard got really sloppy when it came to graphics matching in act IV.

Once they'd cleared the last of the Outer Steppes, Phoebe decided they could have a little bit of a reward: lunch. She was even nice enough to summon it up on an old crown shield they'd found instead of letting it fall on the ground. Despite her generosity, Bodiccea and Heather did not react very well to the proposed meal.

"Two rice cakes?" Bodiccea whined. "That's it?"

"Hell, yes," Phoebe smiled. "I'm not going to let you ruin that light workout you had this morning, no matter how much you want to!"

Heather picked up the large tureen she'd been given, a little surprised she could actually do so. "Miss Phoebe? I can't eat all this."

"Yes, you will! That's beans, barley, and boiled beef; plenty of protein and enough energy to start building some muscles! Get it all down, most of it'll go right through you anyway."

Heather smiled plaintively. "If I can't finish it, can --"

"She doesn't need it!" Phoebe shouted. "And you will finish it."

"It's ok, Heather," Bodiccea nodded. "I remember how that stuff tastes. I'll take the rice cakes."

That earned Bodiccea a clout on the ear. "You should be grateful you have anything. In my day, we ate meat that had been rotting on the ground for days, or bark off the trees, anything we could get!"

"Oh, sure!" Bodiccea yelled. "And you had to walk to school uphill both ways through snow and ice and walls of flaming rabid wolverines too! We've heard it already!"

Eyes wide with rage, Phoebe clouted Bodiccea's other ear before she could react -- then the first, then the second one again. "You're the same little snot you always were!" Shaking her head, she proclaimed, "Your mother was a fool; you were never beaten enough as a child, and it's high time someone started giving you the correction you need!"

Bodiccea threw the rice cakes at Phoebe and yelled, "Stop hitting me!"

"It's. For. Your. Own. Good!" Phoebe punctuated each syllable with another smack to Bodiccea's head as the taller Amazon tried to defend herself. "A child will never better herself if she is not corrected when she does wrong. There is no other way! I have had enough of your disobedience, your disrespect, and your unforgivable stupidity! You will be treated as an adult when you have EARNED it, not one second before!"

Seething, Bodiccea glared white hot death at Phoebe, then threw her head back and screamed, "CONFERENCE!!!"

Phoebe laughed. "A coward's maneuver..."

Everyone was sitting out on what looked like a huge map, divided up into a grid. Some grids were green like plains of grass; others were wooded, swampy, or mountainous. A sparkling blue ocean was visible in the distance, with a gray, hash-marked square labeled "Samarkand" on the shore. Two little covered wagons sat adjacent to Samarkand, with tiny blue lines spreading from the ocean into the squares beneath them. Everyone was alone in a different square, standing in some warlike pose like they were chess pieces.

"Really, woman!" Varnae grumped from his square. "This had better be important."

"Just the pasty deadboy I wanted to talk to!" Bodiccea said triumphantly. "How the hell do you get rid of a Valkyrie?"

Next to her, Phoebe just laughed. Varnae stared at Bodiccea, then quietly said, "I would love to know how you came to believe I could be an authority on such a subject, but I fear that if you attempt to elucidate your train of thought, my brain might explode."

To his left, Xanthippe slid over a space to avoid a red cavalry unit that had entered the area. "Gawd. Why do we even pay attention to her anymore?"

"Oh, hi Xany!" Bodiccea smiled. "How'd Jerhyn like the dress?"

Xanthippe looked at her suspiciously. "He didn't. He said it wasn't me."

"Maybe you should have gone with the green one. Hey, fuzzy!"

Mizor: (from atop a mountain range) "Hwrerro!"

"Hi! Deadboy doesn't know anything, and you're our other summoner. You used to have a bear running around with you. How'd you get rid of it when you didn't want it?"

Mizor: (blank look of confusion) "Rr?"

"The bear!" Bodiccea shouted, trying to ignore Phoebe's laughter beside her. "You had a bear! How'd you get rid of it when you didn't want it around?"

Mizor: (still confused) "Wrrri?"

From a nearby river, Thaddeus said, "I don't believe he ever wanted to be rid of it."

The red cavalry unit was still chasing Xanthippe, until she smacked it and it vanished in a puff of pixels. "Yeah! Why would he?"

Mizor: (smiles, and shrugs)

"Oh, phoo!" Bodiccea yelled. "Doesn't anyone know anything?"

"I know lots of things," Amanita smiled. "But leave me out of this one. It's too funny."

"To be frank," Varnae said, "your new companion has already provided hours of amusement for us all. If will be a dreadful shame when you do part company. Perhaps she could deign to visit us out here for a while?"

"Don't even try, deadboy!" Phoebe said. "I'm going to be riding her ass all the way into the Chaos Sanctuary."

Varnae shivered visibly. "What a compelling image," he muttered.

"You're gross," Xanthippe huffed. "If you want to get rid of her, why don't you..." Then she paused.

Bodiccea shouted, "What?"

"Uh..." Xanthippe smiled. "Nothing."

"No, you thought of something! What?!"

Xanthippe shook her head, struggling to conceal a grin. "Nothing!"

"Xany, don't do this to me! What what what what what!!!"

"You could try introducing her to Tearlach..."

"Hmmm?" Tearlach said from the hills where he'd been standing.

Bodiccea looked at him for a long time, then shook her head. "I'm not that sadistic."

"What was being said about me?" Tearlach looked around.

"Nothing," Thaddeus said. "Go back to sleep."

"I was not sleeping. Merely meditating upon the future."

"Right," Amanita smirked.

"Yeah," Bodiccea turned to stare at Phoebe. "So... you'd better watch yourself. I'm the hero, I'm in charge, and if you don't stop, I'm gonna bring you back here and let Tearlach pitch woo at you for a few days."

Phoebe stared back, confident and unblinking. "That is a threat to him, not to me."

"Another compelling image," Varnae opined more quietly.

Paying no attention to him, Phoebe kept staring Bodiccea straight in the face. "Since you do not want your food, you will both go out onto the Plains of Despair with empty bellies. Think of it as your punishment. And do not expect me to change my ways, when you are clearly the one who needs to change."

Eyes narrowed, Bodiccea hissed, "You're not gonna be around forever."

"Neither are you. Given as much intelligence as you've displayed thus far, I should outlast you. Now get back into the proper game! We've no time for this foolishness."

They glared at each other a moment longer, before Bodiccea looked away. "Yeah."

"Yes, WHAT?"

Through gritted teeth, Bodiccea snarled, "Yes, Battle Mistress Phoebe."