Bodiccea (Act V)

Template:Bodiccea nav Bodiccea, Heather, and Regulix headed over to the movie theater to watch the cut scenes ending act IV. Their theater was fairly small, with uncomfortable seats and a single narrow aisle. Only one movie was ever displayed on the marquee, something called "Duke Nukem" that none of them had ever bothered to see. But the snack bar was pretty good, and one of the projectors took DVD's, so it was a good place to kill a few hours now and then.

To their surprise, everybody else was there too. It must be a really slow night. "Hey, fuzzy?" Xanthippe asked Mizor. "Duck your head or something. Some of us can't see."

Mizor: "Hwruff." (Tries to squash down, it doesn't really work.)

Kasim grunted. "Maybe the tall guys should sit in the back."

Paige: "Why don't you sit over there, Xany?"

The indicated area already had an occupant: Tearlach, along with a dozen hot dogs, a full-size bag of chips, and two bladder-buster sodas. He was the only one with empty seats around him... two full rows, in fact. Xanthippe made a face, and sat up on the back of her chair, feet perched on the seat.

Ignoring the 'No Smoking' sign, Amanita lit up a cigar. When Varnae sat down next to her, she said, "That seat's occupied."

"So right you are," he smiled.

With a level stare, Amanita said, "Sit somewhere else."

"And forsake the opportunity to bask in your radiance? Perish the thought."

She kept glaring. "I thought you'd quit it with this."

Leaning back a bit, Varnae steepled his fingers and pronounced, "Common belief holds that hope is the only thing which may never die. Like most common beliefs, this is completely and utterly false, in addition to being revoltingly maudlin. What common folk do not appreciate is that death will not forestall hope any more than it does anything else of importance."

The glare held, but curdled around the edges. "Damn, you are freaky."

Chuckling, Varnae stared into her eyes. "You have no idea."

When the three of them stepped in, the chatter stopped. Her eyes hadn't adjusted to the dark, but to Bodiccea it looked like everyone was staring at Regulix. "Figures," she thought, and fumbled around to find three open seats. It stayed quiet even after they sat down, so she figured, what the heck. "Hi, guys! I take it you've noticed my Valkyrie."

"Hard not to," Xanthippe smirked. "Can she turn it down? It's supposed to be dark in here."

"Oh! Uh... Reg?"

"I'm sorry, no," Regulix shook her head. "I have heard much of this distinguished company, and though it is a pleasure to be welcomed among you, if my presence is an inconvenience, I shall go elsewhere."

A guffaw broke out of Kasim. Now that she could see, Bodiccea noted the others' faces: expressions of curiosity, contempt, lewd grins, or gazing off like they were trying to look at anything in the room but Regulix. A sick feeling crept into her stomach, but she laughed and said, "Hey, what's going on?"

"You haven't heard? The most salacious rumors have been circulating," Varnae mused.

"Oh! Well, we were off in Hell... what happened?"

"Dunno," Amanita said. "We don't know anything definite. Just heard lots of stories from Lut Gholein about someone tall, blonde, and glowy who hit the town... hard."

"And must have had the stamina of a friggin' HORSE!" Xanthippe finished.

"Ah," Regulix said quietly. "That --"

"That was me," Bodiccea raised her hand. "It was right before the fight with Diablo, and I, uh, I needed to blow off steam, so I got a super-stamina potion from Alkor that makes you glow, and kind of went bananas. Ok? That's all."

Now all eyes were on her. Thaddeus frowned. "That seems... unlike you."

"Uh-huh," Amanita agreed. "Blondie, I can't see you putting out without a $10,000 ring and a notarized pre-nup."

"What do you know about me?" Bodiccea yelled. "Do you think I'm that shallow? No, don't answer that. But there is a lot you don't know about me."

"You shouldn't do this," Regulix said.

Bodiccea whispered, "Look, my rep already sucks. Just play along!"

"You're also not fooling anyone."

"I..."

Regulix shushed Bodiccea and stood up. "Bodiccea is attempting to salvage my reputation at the expense of her own, but I cannot allow her to do this. It was I who spent the night out in Lut Gholein, as she and Heather slept. While I have no idea exactly what you have heard, much of it is probably true."

She paused, to let that sink in. Xanthippe was, as usual, the first to speak. Looking completely flabbergasted, she just belted out, "WHY?!?"

Regulix raised her eyebrows. "That is my concern, and not yours. In polite company, that is where the matter ends."

Varnae chuckled. "And in this company?"

That got a laugh out of Thaddeus. "In this company, who knows? From what I know, the Valkyrie are emissaries from Heaven, of a sort. I hardly think it is our place to criticize one who is above us."

"You would think that," Varnae muttered.

"Ah, what point is there to all this?" Tearlach bellowed, then smiled at Regulix. "Isn't it enough to finally have a woman here who knows what she wants, and is willing go out and get it? Your friend is welcome here, Amazon. More so if she has sisters."

"I've heard they do," Klatu said, grinning.

"I've heard that as well," Tearlach agreed. "I've heard their goddesses keep hundreds of them as concubines, with no men around for miles and miles."

Klatu snickered. "The poor things. No wonder she lost control, then."

Paige: (stares at Klatu) "I still can't believe you ever get any girls, for any reason."

Klatu shrugged. "I cannot explain it. It's a gift."

"Guys?" Bodiccea interrupted. "Can we just forget about this and watch the cut scene?"

Also ignoring her, Tearlach turned towards Regulix. "So... Lady Valkyrie... what can you tell us of your heaven?"

"Very little," Regulix said impassively. "Much lies beyond earthly senses."

"Ha!" he laughed. "What's to sense besides hundreds of lusty lasses, with no men to satisfy them? Hmm... all those beautiful girls, with healthy appetites and nowhere natural to go with them..."

Groans came up from around the theater. More than one person started thinking, please don't start talking about lesbians, please don't start talking about lesbians... but Regulix interrupted. "Perhaps you're right."

"Hmm?" Tearlach looked surprised. "About what?"

"Perhaps we should have somewhere natural go to with our appetites," Regulix smiled, and started slowly strutting down the aisle. "If only there was someone, somewhere, who was man enough."

"Er..." Tearlach dropped his hot dog, looking stunned.

"By my estimation, it had been nearly two centuries since I last shared the company of a man. After that long, I want fireworks... I want heaven and earth to move... and I don't want to stop after just a few hours."

"Eh?" Tearlach gibbered as Regulix's glow hovered over him. The look on his face was a lot like how deer look when they see headlights.

"With our Goddess' physical blessings and centuries of denial... would you believe a whole barracks-full of mercenaries would be just a start? One could go in there, take on the whole lot, and walk away steadier than any of them." Slowly, she ran a finger along Tearlach's bald head. "If only there was someone who could satisfy me..."

Blinking and sweating, Tearlach's gaze dropped. Seeming not to notice, Regulix sighed. "If only... but there's no point in dreaming. Was there a film we were going to see?"

"Yes!" Thaddeus shouted. "Show it!"

"Hear, hear," Varnae muttered, looking rather flabbergasted himself.

Mizor: "Whooo." (fans self with paw)

Khaleel, being the smart guy, usually got to work the projector. After he ran up and hit the button, the cut scene began.

The image of Marius, huddled on the floor beside his crude bed, flashed onto the screen. The false angel sat regally in a chair by the window. "I heard that Diablo was defeated in Hell, and the Soulstones were smashed on the Hellforge..."

"Ok, this is weird," Bodiccea said. "How come he's heard this, but there's, like, not that much time between me kicking Diablo's ass and going to act V?"

"It made more sense before the expansion came out," Thaddeus noted.

"Yeah," Xanthippe said. "There was no act V, so there could be a time gap between Diablo getting killed and Baal getting his Soulstone back."

"And for this guy to turn into that wreck," Khaleel said.

"Actually," Varnae surmised, "that would not take nearly as long as one might suppose."

"I don't wanna know how you know that," Xanthippe snapped. "Here comes the handing over of the Soulstone."

Kasim scratched his head. "Do you think maybe this guy had to hand it over? He couldn't just take it?"

"Doubtless he could, where would the fun be in that?" Varnae said. "A demon prince of his caliber can be relied upon to possess a sense of the dramatic."

Thaddeus nodded. "And sadistic."

"That goes without saying, old boy."

As Baal began laughing, Amanita winced. "Eugh, that stupid laugh... you'll get to hear a lot of that in the Worldstone Keep, Blondie."

"I'm giddy with anticipation already," Bodiccea grinned.

"Oh," Heather said. "Did that man just get his soul eaten?"

"I suspect so," Thaddeus said.

"The green flames are cool," Amanita said. "And the rat swarm."

"Oh, yes, very stylish," Varnae agreed. "This shot is particularly effective."

Paige: "Maybe he should have stayed looking like that, instead of turning into the spider-crab thing with big shoulder whatsises."

Amanita laughed. "His final version looks like a giant pubic louse."

"Ew," Xanthippe said. "I really don't wanna know how you know that."

Flute music slashed through the theater, heralding the start of the second cut scene. "So that's the Barbarian Highlands," Bodiccea said.

"Aye," Tearlach muttered, speaking again for the first time. "Outside of Sescheron."

"And now we're inside," Amanita said.

"Huh," Khaleel grunted. "Why are there big spikes on the insides of the doors?"

"Because it looks cool," Kasim shrugged.

"This drawbridge is curious," Thaddeus mused. "One wonders how it was built, and how it operated."

"And why they extended it with Baal out there," Amanita scoffed.

"So the warriors of Sescheron could sally forth to meet him!" Tearlach snorted. "They knew not his strength, but fought and died with honor."

Amanita waved one finger in the air. "Yippee."

"Say, who is this guy?" Xanthippe asked. "He's not dressed like anybody else up there."

Tearlach grunted. "He was the Herald of Sescheron, speaker for the Immortal King. His task was to bring the words of the true people to invaders, and to parley for goods."

Paige: "He's dressed kind of like a merchant."

"Why does he sound Scotch? None of the other Barbs do."

"Xanthippe," Thaddeus said, "scotch is whiskey. The people are Scots."

"Ok, why does he sound Scots, then?"

"Scottish."

"Whatever!"

Bodiccea offered, "Maybe Bliz could only find one guy who could do a Scottish accent."

Amanita mused, "Druids sound kind of Scottish, what you can hear of them."

Mizor: "Whreehaaaroag!"

Xanthippe laughed. "It's Greek to me."

"No it isn't," Bodiccea laughed.

As they watched, the unfortunate herald ended his onscreen career by painting the pavement red. "Ew!"

"Oh, that's horrible," Heather said. "Will Baal use that on us?"

"Not really," Varnae chuckled. "I believe that was intended to represent the tentacles Baal is capable of summoning. Their power is, shall we say, somewhat exaggerated here."

Bodiccea laughed. "Oh, man. Tentacles."

Heather shuddered. "You're thinking of that Maiden's Amulet of the Squid, aren't you?"

"Yep. Did you guys put the Mule up to giving me that?"

Amanita turned around and grinned. "Who, us?"

"Why ever would we do such a thing?" Varnae smiled.

"For a cheap laugh?" Bodiccea smirked.

"Yeah, that's a good enough reason," Amanita grinned.

As the last cut scene vanished from the screen, Bodiccea sat back and put her feet up on the seats in front of her. "Ok, that looked cool, even if Blizzard can't write a coherent plot worth a damn."

Amanita shrugged. "Diablo's plot is thinner than the paper it's written on, and holier than the Pope's undershorts. Deal with it."

Thaddeus laughed. "One wonders how anyone could spend much time with it."

"Ya got me," Amanita shrugged. "So, now what?"

"Let's watch one of the Lord of the Rings DVD's," Xanthippe suggested.

All the males, and Amanita, groaned. "You just want to coo over Orlando some more."

"Hey, why not?" Bodiccea grinned. "I could stand some of that."

"So could I," Heather smiled.

Paige: "Ditto!"

"Who is... Orlando?" Regulix asked.

"YOU DON'T KNOW?" Bodiccea's eyes went wide with shock.

Regulix quirked an eyebrow. "I have not been here long, you must remember."

Suddenly, Amanita started laughing. "I just thought of something. Hey, Tearlach! Wanna see two women writhing on the floor in crazed lust?"

Tearlach looked at her suspiciously. "Who wouldn't?"

"Wait right here." Amanita popped out of the theater, to parts unknown.

"Aw, jeez," Xanthippe grumped. "What's she up to now?"

Bodiccea frowned. "She CAN'T be going out to find him lesbian porn."

Xanthippe shrugged. "She would know where to find it."

Bodiccea laughed. "Gee, you think?"

As suddenly as she left, Amanita reappeared, with a rolled up poster in one hand. "Xany? Boddy? Your attention, please."

"I'm not falling for this," Xanthippe glared.

"Behold!" Amanita unrolled the poster. "A full-sized shot of Orlando Bloom as Legalos, where you can see the tiniest bit of his hairless, naked elf-boy chest!"

Bodiccea and Xanthippe SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEALED and lunged for the poster. Everyone in the room winced; Mizor clamped both paws over his ears and howled in pain.

"Give it!" Xanthippe screamed, tackling Bodiccea. "I saw it first!"

"No way!" Bodiccea's grip on the poster was like iron. "You've GOT a boyfriend!"

"YOU'RE TEARING IT!!" Popcorn went flying as the two struggled.

"Did you have to do that?" Thaddeus said, shaking his head to stop his ears from ringing.

"No," Amanita laughed. "But it was funny."

Varnae chuckled. "Entirely true... though perhaps mistimed. The contention has spilled a cola all over your lovely boots."

Amanita looked down. "Damn. Ah, they're metal. It's all good."

"My dear girl, they may corrode, and really ought to be seen to immediately."

Amanita frowned. "I'm not going to let you polish my boots."

Varnae snapped his fingers. "Damn."