Bodiccea (Chapter 40)

Template:Bodiccea nav After Bodiccea had gathered up her wandering companions, they headed out to Harrogath. Though so small it should have been called a village, the Barbarian citadel was suffused with a monumental, even cyclopean grandeur, as though the stones themselves were aware of the role they must play in the fate of the cosmos. Or maybe it was the pompous "Conan the Barbarian" music floating through the air. Whatever, the icy chill in the air was a new thing for anyone born and raised on a tropical island.

"YIPE!!!"

Heather and Regulix jumped and turned to face Bodiccea. "What happened?"

The Amazon looked like she was about to curl up into a ball in a desperate bid to minimize the amount of skin she had exposed. Her bare thighs were clamped together, her bare arms wrapped around her deeply plunging neckline, and her head was scrunched down between the shoulder pads of what passed for her armor. "C-c-c-COLD!!"

"Oh," Heather nodded, then grinned a little. "Heh."

"It is rather cold," Regulix frowned. "Do you think you'll be all right, wearing that?"

Heather turned away so her facial expression wouldn't be seen. After glancing a sharp, vindictive glance at her back, Bodiccea laughed and straightened up. "Sure! No reason not to be, ha ha! All the Babas are wandering around wearing about as much as me! If I just keep moving, I'll be in eeEEEP!" She squealed as a small gust blew down from the peak, but kept smiling. "I'll be in great shape! If no more torna-na-nadoes blow up my butt..."

Looking unconvinced, Regulix quietly turned to Heather. "And you?"

"I don't know about you, but I'm freezing," Heather said unashamedly. "I put a sweater and some woolens in the stash earlier. I'll go get 'em."

"Weather means little to me now," Regulix bowed her head as Heather walked off, then turned back to Bodiccea. "Bodiccea... you are turning very pale. You should reconsider."

"N-nah, I'm good! K-keep moving, get the b-blood flowing... Hey, look! B-ba-babas!"

Two wounded Barbarians were leaning against the south wall of Malah's Healing Emporium. Their eyes widened as Bodiccea and Regulix approached. "Hey, Sigemund, look here. I think I'm seein' visions."

"Aye, Hengest. Two visions! I'd say we've been invaded by foreigners."

Sigemund grinned, eyes round as dinner plates. "Aye! If the other foreigners looked like that, they might'a met a pleasanter reception."

"Hi, boys!" Bodiccea grinned wide and struck a pose, trying not to shiver. "Wow, I am impressed! Are all the g-g-" After a shudder, she took a deep breath, then started coughing as the rush of icy cold air hit her lungs.

"What Bodiccea meant to say," Regulix calmly said, "was that she is impressed with your city. Turning away Baal's army must have been no small task."

"Aye," Sigemund said, looking a bit more forlorn. "If you don' mind my sayin', you two ain't so small either! I'd heard foreign women were... littler than either o' you."

"And I never heard of 'em takin' up arms! Where are your menfolk, then?"

"Hah," Bodiccea mastered the coughing fit, and stood back up, with a big grin on her face and her chest thrust out. "Oh, we c-can get pret-ty b-big!" Breathing through her teeth warmed the air up a little before it hit her lungs, at least.

"Ooh..." Both Barbarians stared openly at Bodiccea's mammarical gifts, even if the display items were starting to turn dead white. "Sig, to think what we've been missin'..."

"Maybe, if we live through this, I should take up travelin'!"

Sigemund grinned. "Where you from, lassie? There any more at home like you?"

Bodiccea laughed, and tossed her head nonchalantly. "I th-think I'm ab-a-about all y-you can ha-ha-hand-le right n-- n-- now!" Clenching her jaws together stopped her teeth from chattering, but made them feel like they might shatter in her mouth.

Noting the peculiar rictus on Bodiccea's face, Regulix coolly said, "Perhaps we should step inside for a bit. My companion is a bit under the weather."

"Huh?" Sigemund looked up at the sky. "She seems a healthy enough lass to me. The weather's the only good thing about today! Hasn't been this warm in weeks!"

"I know," his companion agreed. "You want cold, just go a little further up the mountain. There's no one left to stop you now, apart from Baal's army."

The expression of Bodiccea's face froze -- not quite literally, but close. Just then, Heather came walking up. "Hey, Miss B. Look at this: The Mule left a ton of stuff for me. I get to try out both Riphook and Kuko Shakaku, and choose which one I want! This is the Peasant Crown, here's Rockstopper, and he left Skin of the Vipermagi too! The note said he doesn't have any really good helms or armor for a Rogue, but --"

"Did he leave anything for me?" Bodiccea interrupted, still grinning maniacally. The two Barbs looked at her strangely.

"No, there wasn't anything." Heather looked closely at Bodiccea. "Um, Miss B... I think you could put somebody's eye out right now. Maybe you really, really should --"

Quietly, almost whispering, Bodiccea said, "Ok."

"What?"

"Ok. You win. I give." Without another word, Bodiccea walked to the waypoint.

"Heh," Hengest said as the others followed. "Comely enough lasses. Strange, though."

"Aye," Sigemund agreed. "You think the big one was havin' some kind of seizure?"

"Seemed like it. The tall one was..." He left the thought unexpressed, just shaking his head as if to clear stars from his eyes.

"Oh, aye... but her eyes were colder than the holy peak itself. There'll be no gettin' cozy with that one."

"Aye. What about the little one, then?"

Sigemund scoffed. "Too delicate. Even a woman could break 'er in half. Hope they come back soon."

They appeared back in the Rogue camp, next to Charsi. "Oh, hi! It's great to see you again! Hi, Heather, and hi! Wow, I don't remember you! Are you glowing?"

"Hello," Regulix smiled. "I have joined Bodiccea on her quest."

"Cool," Charsi stared ad her, wide-eyed. "That is awesome armor. I don't think I could even try to make anything like that."

"It's pretty special," Bodiccea shuddered, and jumped up and down a bit. "Whoo! Hi, Charsi! No imbues yet, sorry."

"It's ok," Charsi shrugged, then smiled sunnily. "Whenever you're ready. We're moving back into the monastery right now. Anything I can do?"

"Not right now. 'Scuse me!" Bodiccea moved past, and behind the wagon between her forge and Gheed's place. The Mule was back there, lounging in a beach chair and drinking a margarita, his enormous pack towering over the wagon. Bodiccea grabbed him by the lapels, hauled him to his feet, and screamed directly in his face, "GIB ITAMZ!!!!1!!!!11!!1one"

"I know that scream," he winced. "What can I do you for?"

"I need heavy armor. I need something with coverage. And I need it NOW before I freeze my gawdammed t!ts off!! Why the HELL did Blizzard put act V in a fvcking FREEZER?!?"

The Mule sighed, wiping spit off his face with the tails of his Hawaiian shirt. "Dammit, when you had some, you didn't want it, now all of a sudden you gots to have it! Make up your damn mind!"

"Look, that was then, this is now. I'll even say I'm sorry. Just give me something that covers me! I'll take ANYTHING!"

"Fine," he snorted, and opened one of the larger side pouches on his pack. "Here you go: Sigon's Shelter. You still gots the boots and gloves, it'll --"

"Anything but that," Bodiccea quickly said.

The Mule gazed heavenwards imploringly. "Aw, no..."

"Miss B?" Heather said. "If you don't mind, Regulix and I are going to drag you back to Harrogath and stick you in a snowdrift until you change your mind."

"Don't even joke like that, Heather."

"I don't believe she was joking," Regulix said impassively.

Obviously in great pain, The Mule asked, "What's wrong with Sigon's Shelter?"

"It's white!" Bodiccea said. "And it makes my chest look small. Don't you have anything in red? Or gold?"

With a sigh like the weight of the world rested squarely on his weary shoulders, The Mule turned back and started rooting through the pack again. "Of all the damn heroes I've had to deal with, you have GOT to be the damn heroest... hmmm... hey! Here's a blast from the past!" He pulled out a red mass of iron plates, and... tentacles? "This is from back in the day when we hardly had any stuff, and would take just about anything! How about Garnet Plate Mail of the Squid?"

The armor was actually wiggling. All three women's jaws dropped. "Oh. My. God."

"Don't worry, it won't eat ya. Maybe get a little too friendly, but that's the worst of it."

"OH. MY. GOD."

"Now come on! It's red!"

"THIS IS NOT HENTAI, DAMN IT!!" Bodiccea screamed. "Try again."

Neither Heather nor Regulix raised any objection, so The Mule went back to his pack. "I don't know why I do this some days. Fussy little... how about Goldskin?"

"Goldskin... unique full plate? Good defense, resists, extra light?"

"Yep, for that Valk-like glow. Ol' reliable: had it for a while, it's seen quite a bit of use."

After a quick sidewards glance at Regulix, Bodiccea nodded. "Sounds good."

"Finally!" The Mule threw down the armor and flopped down in his chair again.

While Bodiccea was buckling the armor on, she asked, "Anything left that you're supposed to give me, item-wise?"

"Jus' one," The Mule sighed. "A pair of gloves. You'll probably want new boots too."

"Am I gonna get 'em without having to track you down?"

"I'll pick somethin' out, don't you worry."

"Mr. Mule?" Heather asked. "I don't think I need Rockstopper. You can take it back."

"Hey!" Bodiccea said. "Don't I get to try it?"

Heather blinked. "Don't you need the +2 skills on that circlet to summon Miss Regulix?"

"Oh, yeah. Forget it."

Regulix smiled. "Thank you. I am pleased you wish to retain my services."

"Sure," Bodiccea smiled. "By the way, I LOVED the way you shut Tearlach up. He is SO obnoxious, but you totally blew his tiny little mind."

Her smile faded a bit, but didn't completely vanish. "It seemed... necessary at the time. Thankfully, no one took it amiss."

"Why would they? Ok, maybe Teddy Tin-Man would disapprove from the back of the room, but that's it."

"You mean the Paladin?" Regulix asked. "I did speak with him, and he did not."

"He didn't? Wow. Usually, he's got a stick rammed so far up him you could wiggle it and watch his eyes move back and forth."

"I'm sure he's not so bad as that," Regulix smiled. "Though I agree, he does seem a bit stiff. Perhaps after a few drinks, he'd relax a bit."

Bodiccea's eyes went wide, and she giggled, "Girl! You are a wild woman! I like it, but pick somebody else." After tightening down the last strap, Bodiccea stood up and looked herself over. Then she grinned at Regulix. "Twins!"

Regulix nodded. Smiling, Heather said, "Whatcha think of me?"

Bodiccea laughed. "Now you're in leather and I'm not."

"Yeah, but I'll be wearing something under it."

"That's no fun. C'mon, let's get back to Harrogath before I start roasting. I'll stow the leathers for the mini-hells."

Malah welcomed them to Harrogath, and also wondered where their menfolk were. Bodiccea noted that all of Qual-Kehk's men were helpless before Baal, so it was a good thing that they were women; this did not seem to satisfy her. Qual-Kehk was pacing back and forth in front of Harrogath's tiny gate. He described Baal as being true to his namesake; Bodiccea asked him who the heck a demon lord might be named after, but he couldn't say. Once more, Cain demonstrated his freaky ability to fit into a new town like he'd been there since the beginning of time. He would have explained about the energy shield and the dead elders, but Bodiccea had wandered over to see Nihlathak by then. He was as hissable as ever, so she booed and hissed and offered him a jar of mustache wax, which confused him.

And then... there was Larzuk. As they approached, they saw him by his forge, flexing. The red light glowed off his titanic shoulders as various lats, deltoids, and triceps crawled under his skin. Bodiccea stopped short, staring. "Ooh."

Heather blinked. "Wow. He's big."

"Oh, yes," Regulix murmured. "And I'll bet he has enormous stamina..."

"Down, girl," Bodiccea muttered, fanning herself. "You'll scare him away."

Heather stared at the other two. "Are you guys all right?"

"Of course," Regulix smiled. "Just daydreaming."

"Besides," Bodiccea sighed, "there's the hair problem..."

Heather sighed. "Miss B, you know how shallow that sounds."

"Of course, Heather. Let's go meet him!"

They walked over, and Larzuk looked up. "Oh! I heard an Amazon had come to Harrogath! Your strange weapons might be a bit of a challenge."

"What's life without a few challenges?" Bodiccea grinned. "Hi, I'm Bodiccea! Have you considered Avacor?"

"Um..." Larzuk scratched his head. "I don't know what that is, so, no."

Heather sighed. "At least you didn't ask him if he wanted to go mountain climbing, Miss B."

"Later, Heather."

"Will you be going up the mountain?" Larzuk asked, with guarded hope in his eyes. "The old man told us you went into Hell, and defeated Diablo. That was you, wasn't it?"

"Yeah," Bodiccea shrugged. "Been there, done that."

"Well, I don't know if you did that. If you're here to defeat Baal, you --"

"Oh, yeah, prove it." She sighed, rolling her eyes. "Barbs. Whatever, don't go away. And go look up Avacor. You'll be glad you did."