Bodiccea (Chapter 8)

Template:Bodiccea nav The next morning, no matter how hard she looked, Bodiccea couldn't find Gheed, either inside the camp or out. He wasn't under his wagon, in a tree, behind the woodpile, in any of the tents, or anywhere. Annoyed, she resolved to hurt him very badly when he showed his slimy face again and went to the waypoint. Waypoints are a kludge, but a convenient one. Sure beats having to scamper through all those areas after they've repopulated. Saving a level empty might be more realistic, but running back to where you stopped would take an awfully long time, and the file size would be ridiculous. Besides, how could you do item runs if Meph stays dead?

Half of the Dark Wood was left, so Bodiccea and Heather went back to the old routine, criss-crossing back and forth to make sure they cleared it completely. Near the obligatory burning house (shouldn't they go out after a while?) they ran into their only serious fight, a unique Carver Shaman with teleportation. When he did his thing, it sounded almost exactly like a fat guy farting. Bodiccea stopped chasing him a couple of times because she got the giggles, but eventually she pulled herself together and killed him.

"Hi, Charsi." Bodiccea dropped her almost-splintered spear on the table. "It's me again."

"Oh, hi! Don't worry, it's ok. Good thing this isn't enchanted, or this'd take a lot longer. All that's in there is the gems."

"I always knew I was high-maintenance." Bodiccea grinned, then laughed. "Gawd, that Shaman sounded silly. I don't think I've ever laughed that hard!"

Heather nodded. "Yeah, well, I guess we kind of took the wind out of his sails."

"Or deflated his ego," Bodiccea laughed. "Oh, wait! This one time, I was on duty, and this guy was coming on to me? I could not believe it, he actually tried 'Is it hot in here, or is it just you?' on me."

"Ew," Heather said.

"Seriously, I could not buh-LEEVE anybody'd try that! That is SO LAME! Anyway, I was about to whack him in the nuts, when he farted."

"Oh, that's awful!"

"And he just keeps talking, ok? He keeps smiling and trying to act like it didn't happen!"

"He was probably too embarrassed..."

"Heather, guys don't get embarrassed. They just keep talking and hope you forget about it, like we're stupid or something. Anyway, he was talking, and I was holding my nose, which he ignored, when one of the priestesses came in. She just kind of looked around, you know, then said, "Guard, there is a dead animal in here somewhere. Find it and throw it out."

"What'd you do?"

Bodiccea grinned. "I threw him out. He didn't come back, either."

A slight frown creasing her brow, Heather nodded. "Um, ok." After a moment's thought, she said, "I hope he was all right."

Bodiccea sighed. "He was fine, I only beat him up a little. Heather, you gotta stop being so nice. Guys'll walk all over you like this."

"I dunno..."

"Excuse me?" Charsi said, and handed Bodiccea's spear back. "That's fixed about as good as I can get it. Are you sure you don't want to buy a trident? They're stronger, and Gheed has plenty for sale."

Bodiccea made a face. "Gheed is... uh, tridents are too slow."

"Gheed isn't here, you mean? Yeah! I wonder what happened to him?"

"For once," Heather said, "it wasn't her."

"Hey!" Bodiccea said.

Heather bowed her head, mostly to hide the smirk she couldn't quite keep off her face, and said, "You said I should stop being nice to everybody."

"I didn't mean to me!" Bodiccea glared, then laughed. "I'm sorry, have I let my inner bitch out a little too often?"

A snerk of laughter choked out of Heather, and she muttered "inner?" to Charsi. Charsi smiled, and said, "You are kind of mean to Gheed. I don't know why, I think he's funny."

"That's just my inner bitch. You know how some people claim to have inner strength, or inner sight, or an inner voice? I don't believe in any of that. I do believe that every woman, every single one, has within her an inner bitch. Like right there: whatever Heather just said to you, I know that she has finally found her inner bitch."

"It wasn't that bad," Heather murmured.

"Then you need to let her out more, girl!" Bodiccea grinned. "Our inner bitches give us strength. Like this other time I was in temple, and this old lady in rags came up to me. She asked me, 'Please, may I have a bit of money to buy a crust of bread?' I reached into my purse and gave her a copper, and said, 'There you go. Goddess bless you!'"

"That sounds all right," Charsi said, frowning in confusion.

"Yeah," Heather agreed.

"Sure, but my inner bitch was saying, 'Bullshit, lady! You're going to get a bowl of narlant and smoke yourself blind instead of dealing with your problems, aren't you?' At the same time, I could hear her inner bitch saying, 'One damned copper? You useless cunt, what the hell am I supposed to buy with this?' She smiled at me, and I smiled at her, and we shared a beautiful inner bitch moment together."

Charsi blinked. "Oh." Heather looked stunned.

"The part of you deep inside that says 'Ok, cut the crap,' that's your inner bitch! The day you decide your middle name is not 'welcome', you have found your inner bitch! We need our inner bitches! Without them, men will run right over us and take over everything."

"The old lady was a man?" Charsi blurted out.

"No! I meant men or women who are bitches. Whatever. My point is, you shouldn't be nice to everybody."

Heather smirked. "I guess that's why you don't try."

"Heather!" Bodiccea laughed. "I am in touch with my inner bitch. I like her, and she's good for me. My inner bitch is reaching out to your inner bitch, but your inner bitch is being such a bitch my inner bitch may have to slap her around a bit if she's not careful."

Charsi laughed a little. "Where's the inner child fit in?"

"My inner bitch isn't a child anymore. We like boys too much."

"Is Kashya in touch with her inner bitch?" Heather asked.

"Kashya IS her inner bitch. Either that or they're touching each other so much you could make money charging people to watch."

Heather giggled, glancing over her shoulder. "I don't think you could charge people to watch Kashya being a b-i-t-c-h."

Bodiccea nodded. "Yeah, the market's kind of flooded."

By now, Charsi was blushing to her blonde roots again, trying unsuccessfully to suppress her laughter. "I shouldn't be laughing at this..."

"That's just your inner bitch, trying to get out! You just need to let her. Hey, I've got to get going, there's demons to kill. Were you going to ask me about the Horadric Malus?"

"Oh, yeah! That's the one really valuable tool I have. I had to leave it when we all fled the monastery. If you could get it back for me, that would be wonderful. I'll use to imbue an item of your choice with magical powers."

"Thanks. I just wish it was a little more reliable."

"Yeah, I can't predict what it will do. But it'll be good!"

"Not in this patch, it won't. Anyhoo, see you soon!"

There were Blood Hawks in the Dark Wood, and exactly one Blood Hawk nest. They just kept pouring out of it like clowns out of a car, only smellier. After killing a unique Rogue archer (who had an Ocher Ring of Thawing, very nice for this level) they made it up into the Tamoe Highlands. Before Bodiccea had a chance to ask where the name "Tamoe" came from, they found another one of those eternally-burning houses and were soon chasing Carvers and Devilkin all over the place. As usual, the little fartknockers liked fleeing towards other monsters, like Thorn Beasts and Dark Stalkers. Many of the rogues were corrupt enough to have horns... making them horny naked demon babes. Bodiccea gritted her teeth, reminded herself that it still wasn't as bad as in a lot of other games, and fought on.

In addition to stuff under rocks, there were a lot of chests out on the highlands. Maybe it was supposed to be luggage dropped while fleeing the monastery. One of them had Diggler's Dirk inside, prompting Bodiccea to wonder out loud why some nice Rogue archer would keep THAT in her nightstand. Much giggling ensued. Heather said she thought she knew who used to have it. Then, there was a corral -- and no sign cattle had ever been there. It had to be for the Bovine invasion force, but Bodiccea didn't tell Heather. That much of the awful truth would have to wait.

Bodiccea nearly broke her spear on a fire enchanted Returned boss, and again on a cold enchanted Dark Lancer. Of course, the Lancer had a huge pack of minions and a bunch of other Rogues with her, and Bodiccea had to kill the boss last for Heather's sake. Once the area was clear, they went down into the pit, and immediately ran into a lightning enchanted Stalker. Worse yet, she only had two minions, nothing to distract Heather from shooting at her. After a very short battle, Bodiccea fled back to the highlands, and give Heather a short lecture about the joys of lightning enchanted beasties and what the Impale skill is for. Much enlightened, they went back and killed her without further mishap.

The rest of the Pit was pretty boring. There were horny Dark Archers, an extra fast Bone Warrior, and on the second level, enough Carvers to make Bodiccea want to throw up. She couldn't wait to get out of Act I and fight some different monsters for a change. There wasn't even anything good in the Golden Chest of Joy. Phooey.

The monastery was a big building, done up in a "starburst and nude lady" motif. Bodiccea had two goals in mind: the waypoint in the middle of the garden, and getting to level 17 so she could use Bloodthief. It's no Lycander's, but combined with Sigon's stuff, she'd have 22% life leech, which is just godly in Act I. It might even keep up with a lightning enchanted boss' charged bolts.

Right inside the monastery door, there was a unique Carver Shaman with a big horde of minions. That much fire hurts; Bodiccea had to drink a potion and toss one to Heather. The waypoint was in the central area of the gardens, along with Razor Spines and more exploding barrels than you could shake a stick at. Of course, Bodiccea had to poke her nose into each and every one of them, knowing all the time that this would be a really embarrassing way to die. She also discovered that Yeti know how to open doors. How civilized.

A fountain in gleaming white marble graced the center of the gardens, with three heroically sized Rogues back to back in martial poses, forever defending the clear water bubbling up from under their feet. "That's a pretty fountain," Bodiccea said.

"Oh, yeah!" Heather said. "Those are the founders of the order."

Bodiccea smirked. "Good thing you told me. I might have thought it was a monument to Sanctuary's first wet T-shirt contest."

There was a long pause before Heather turned to stare at Bodiccea. "You know... you're kind of weird."

"Nah, just uninhibited. Let's keep going, I'm really close."

Starting from the left, they cleared out the gardens. The entrance to the barracks was in the leftmost wing this time, and after killing a multishot Bone Archer, Bodiccea hit level 17 and went back to the Rogue camp. New presents were waiting by her stash: Bloodthief, some two-socketed Studded Leather, a Tal rune and an Eth rune, an Ember Brandistock of the Leech with two sockets, and two Rusty jewels, with a note:

"Congratulations! That there Brandistock has some history behind it, I'll have you know: it's the first item I ever carried. The jewels are junk, but so's the spear except for the fire damage. Might be good on ghosts. When you've made Stealth and gotten your groove-thang together, get your heiney back here. We're all waiting for you!

-- The Mule"

"Hey, we've been invited out."

"Is that normal?" Heather asked.

"Nuh-uh. Hey... you don't think this has anything to do with Gheed, do you?"

"I don't know... I mean, he doesn't know, does he? He can't know."

"Not unless he's smoked even more narlant weed than I thought." Bodiccea grinned. "This could get kind of wild."

"I thought you liked wild."

"Yeah. Let's go see what's going on."