Bodiccea (Act II)

Template:Bodiccea nav The journey to Lut Gholein seemed to pass in the blink of an eye. Before they knew it, they were there, looking around a dry, dusty square just inside a city wall. The sky was a burning blue that looked like it hadn't seen a cloud in centuries. Dry winds hissed over the hot sand, sending beetles and scorpions scuttling for any kind of shelter, even as temporary as their shadows. Close by, the soothing whoosh of waves lapping gently at a nearby dock mingled softly with the soul-chilling groan thrumming under their feet.

"Oh, man," Bodiccea muttered, "I am gonna need a TON of moisturizer..."

"I'm more worried about the soul-chilling groaning," Heather said, biting her lip.

"That is a bit disturbing," Warriv nodded as he came around the wagon. "I suppose a great evil like Diablo wouldn't leave anyplace untouched by his taint. I'll be returning to the pass once I've picked up some supplies for the Rogues. If you're worried about that noise, and I think you should be, you should ask Lord Jerhyn about it."

"Greetings, honored travelers!" Lord Jerhyn said as he stepped around the wagon. "I am Jerhyn, Lord of --"

"Ooh!" Bodiccea quickly dusted herself off, shook out her hair, fluffed up her cleavage, and jumped down off the wagon. "Hi! Remember me? The girl your mother warned you about?"

"Ah, yes," Jerhyn sort of half-smiled. "No one could forget you."

"You'd better believe it, sweetie," she grinned. "Now, where were we?"

"I believe I was --"

"Oh, yeah! I was in the middle of seducing you when that little witch interrupted us."

Jerhyn frowned, looking like he was trying to remember. "You were?"

For a moment, Bodiccea's mouth hung open, then shut with a click. "Hell YES! You've GOT to have noticed! Jeebus, how blatant do I have to get?"

Behind her, Heather giggled. "Maybe he likes the little witch better."

"As if! Look, she saw him first, but I'll see him last. Now, Jehry-baby, has anyone ever told you how fantastic you'd look with a proud warrior queen by your side?"

"I have not considered marriage as yet. The future of my city is first in my mind, and while Lut Gholein is threatened, my own desires must come second."

Bodiccea cooed, "Oooh, your dewy brown eyes look so adorable when you get all earnest like that..."

"Did you hear anything he actually said?" Heather asked.

"He can say what he likes, just so he keeps looking at me with those dreamy eyes..."

Warriv loudly cleared his throat. "My Lord Jerhyn! Thank you for your kind welcome. May I ask, what is that soul-chilling groaning coming from your dockside there?"

"Yes," Jerhyn said, visibly relieved. "My city is plagued by an unnamable evil. I could not guarantee anyone's safety outside of these walls. The dead have risen from their tombs, and reports of demons skulking amidst the dunes have reached my ears. Even within the city, there is danger. At one point, an unspeakable monster was roaming these very streets at night, attacking anyone unlucky enough to meet it. My own guards were already so busy, I was forced to hire mercenaries; all they could do was drive the beast into the sewers. Its howling is what you hear now."

All this time, Bodiccea was leaning on her spear, hugging it close to her body like a pole she was about to slide down into a squat. "Jehry-babe, why are we standing out in the hot sun when we could be inside on some nice cool satin sheets?"

"I cannot invite you in. To the palace, I mean. Things are... a bit of a mess right now."

"Oh, yeah, that. Hmm. Poor Jerhy. I guess you want your city saved first, huh?"

"Fair amazon, you are impressiveness personified," Jerhyn said with a little bow, "but my city has need of strong arms and steely nerves to face the darkness."

Bodiccea tsked, and glanced at Heather with a grin. "Men. Nothing but bundles of mixed-up priorities and weird little moods. But what can you do? C'mon, Heather, let's give the place the once-over."

They made their way through the sun-baked streets up to Jerhyn's palace. Jerhyn was already inside, standing by the basement stairs with a worried look on his face. It only made him look cuter, but the two trained gorillas by the front door wouldn't let Bodiccea in. They weren't cute enough to flirt with, so they moved on. Elzix was standing outside his inn, and smiled as they approached.

"Whoa," Elzix said, looking almost comically awestruck. "I know milk does a body good, but damn, woman, how much did you drink?"

Smiling ingratiatingly, Bodiccea purred, "I guess you're not too interested in keeping the one eye you've got, are you?"

"Hey, I'm incredibly interested! Being blind right now would be the worst thing that ever happened to me."

"That's saying a lot," Bodiccea said, looking up and down at Elzix's many scars and missing body parts. "Hey, weren't you in the jury box that one time?"

"There was a box? Yeah, and man, was I impressed. I even bet on you to beat up the sorceress."

"I thought you were running the betting pool," Heather said.

"Nah, that was Greiz over there. I knew you'd win, babe. All you have to do is look at you to know that you are the hostess with the mostest!"

Bodiccea kept smiling, not believing a word of this but not quite willing to stop listening, either. "You know you don't have a chance in hell, don't you?"

Rubbing his chin with the stump where a hand used to be, Elzix smiled slyly. "Just cause I can't buy doesn't mean I won't look over the merchandise. Like I could stop, anyway."

"Aw, poor baby," Bodiccea grinned, and obligingly twirled around before rested her spear across her shoulders. The pose naturally pushed her chest out, which was undoubtedly the idea. "So, Frankenstein, what do you do around here?"

Elzix didn't answer for a minute. Finally, he looked up. "Huh? Do? Oh, yeah, I run this inn called The Desert Rain. You may not know it, but I used to be the most feared bandit in this desert. Yep, I was quite the scoundrel in my day."

"I think maybe you still are. Pirate of the sands, hmm? Did you plunder any booty?"

"All the time," Elzix grinned, gap-toothed. "Sometimes we'd go tomb raiding, so you know I know my way around in the dark."

"Ever find any golden chests of joy?"

"Nope! You're wearing red!"

Bodiccea snerked, utterly failing to suppress a giggle, then laughed out loud. "Ok, ok, you pass. I've gotta look over the rest of town, then kill the sewer guy. When I've got money to gamble, I'll be back."

"No problem, babe. You can take a chance with me anytime!"

As they walked away, Heather said, "You can't be serious."

"What?"

"That guy. He looks like Lurch after a fight with a lawnmower."

"Oh gawd, no," Bodiccea laughed. "With a tender slice of veal waiting for me in the palace, why would I go for ground chuck? But he knows how to flirt! And he enjoys it -- he'll flirt even when he knows he doesn't have a chance. You've gotta respect that. I mean, you'd be surprised how many guys don't know how to flirt."

As they went down the street, the two lightly clad women attracted many long looks. One of the longest was an open leer from an armed man standing by the city gates. "Hmm... you look like a healthy lass."

"Speaking of which..." Bodiccea rolled her eyes, and went over to him. "Excuse me, are these your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage."

"Yeah," Greiz grinned, and shifted from one foot to the other. "I remember you."

"So enlighten me. Where have I seen you before?"

"It was at that trial for some stupid merchant --"

"Oh, yeah. You were next to the hot chick with the chromed shoulder pads."

"Yeah! Yeah, um, she was pretty hot."

Bodiccea smiled, and slowly shook her head. "Wow. Not many guys know that nothing impresses a girl like telling her you think some other girl is hot. Hey, weren't you running the betting pool on me beating up Xanthippe?"

"Uh... no, that was Elzix. Bastard stiffed me out of 50 gold."

"Oh, poor baby. Anyway, I think you remember my name..."

"Oh, yeah. Bodiccea. Sounds like 'bodacious'."

Bodiccea slowly nodded. "Did your parents just call you 'hey, you' all the time?"

"Oh, uh, I'm Greiz, captain of the Desert Eagles. We're the best you'll find in this desert. Jerhyn hired us to man the walls. All his guards are in the palace for some reason."

"Do tell. Anyway, you're the one who has men for sale."

"Pretty much," Greiz grinned. "You interested?"

After a moment's thought, Bodiccea shook her head and patted Heather's shoulder. "No, thanks, I've got a merc. Too much of a pain breaking in a new one."

"Oh. Ok. Are you two, like, an item or something?"

Heather blinked, eyes widening. Bodiccea's eyes narrowed. "Why, captain Greiz, whatever do you mean by that?"

"Uh... nothing, I guess."

"Good. Nice meeting you, by the way."

"Oh. My. GAWD!" Bodiccea whispered as they walked away. "Could you buh-LEEVE that?"

"I'm still trying to figure out why you think that one guy could flirt."

"He could make me laugh! As opposed to 'um, uh, um, uh, r u 2 lezbos?' over there."

"He wasn't that bad."

"Close enough. Hey, how come you know who Lurch is?"

Heather grinned a little. "I was cruising the web a little. I can't stand just sitting around during down-time."

"I resent that," Bodiccea grinned. "That's when I do my hair."

"Yeah, ok," Heather laughed. "Anyway, I don't see that much difference between those guys. They're both leches, one just knows how to talk better."

"Heather, Heather, Heather. There's nothing wrong with a guy being a lech, as long as he respects you. Frankenstein knows if he tries anything, I'll hack off another body part, and he's running out of spares, so all he'll do is look."

"That's fear, not respect."

"Works for me."

Heather frowned a little, and was silent. After a bit, she said. "I'm kind of surprised you didn't hire a new merc."

"I didn't wanna deal with that guy." Then Bodiccea grinned. "Besides: girls rule! The mercs here probably all act like him. I mean, he is their boss."

"Uh, sure," Heather let the matter drop. "But if I am staying around, I'm gonna need to gain a few levels."

"Oh, yeah. You're only, what, 14th level now?"

"I'm 13th, and you're 19th. I read on this web site that mercenaries get more experience for monsters they kill themselves, but you go so fast I'm having a hard time."

"Oh, sorry. How about we skip Drognan and go straight to Atma?"

"She's the one who gives you the Radamant quest, right?"

Bodiccea raised an eyebrow. "Wow, you have looked a lot of stuff up."

"I guess. It was a pretty good web site. Does Drognan tell you anything important?"

"Not until the sun goes out. Until then, he's pretty boring. Just a bunch of 'I'm older than I look, but I can still make a few sparks' stuff."

Heather smirked. "Is that supposed to be flirting too?"

"Nah, he only says that to the Sorceress."

"Yeah, and... ?"

Bodiccea laughed. "Aw, c'mon! Who'd flirt with a Sorceress? Let's go to the tavern."

Atma's tavern was full of mercenaries, locals, and a few traders who looked like they'd been in there long enough to be considered local. Atma greeted them at the door.

"I don't expect this of you, but if you would help me, I would be grateful."

"Hi there. Not a problem, I'll kill that big nasty sewer monster for you."

While they were talking, Heather heard a "Psst! Heather!" from inside the tavern. She looked through the window, and Paige was there, motioning her over to a table.

Paige: "Hi, Heather! Come on over."

"Hey," Kasim said. "Have a beer."

"What are all you guys doing here?"

"Atma's tavern is the merc hangout. Where should we be?"

"It's not like we have much to do right now," Khaleel sighed.

"Say, weren't you going through www.hotchicks.com the other day?" Kasim asked.

"Shaddup."

Paige: (Sits at the other end of the table from Khaleel.) "So, how's the boss working out?"

Heather frowned. "Um... I really don't like her."

Klatu laughed. "Like we haven't heard that before."

"Yeah," Kasim smirked. "Just cry us a river."

"Hey, be cool," Khaleel said. "So... what's the problem?"

"Well... she's vain, and self-centered, and totally selfish, and she thinks everything is about her."

Klatu snorted. "And how is that different from my boss?"

"Or mine." Kasim murmured.

Paige: "Guys!"

"No!" Heather said, becoming visibly irritated. "It's not like that! I mean, it's like she can't stand it unless all the attention is on her! Like here, there's this one really ugly scarred-up guy by the inn, you know?"

Paige: "Oh, yeah, Elzix." (in a sarcastic tone) "He's a real smoothie."

"He was just standing there telling her these totally outrageous things, and calling her 'babe' and things, and she was just standing there drinking it up! Like, once, she told me she had some boyfriends, but she left them? The first thing I thought was, 'Did you leave them, or did they leave you 'cause you were demanding too much attention?' I mean, it was so obvious! Everything she said about them was that they were paying attention to something besides her, and I know she so just could not take that! And this other time..."

While she went on, Khaleel ordered another round for the table. Kasim started to nod off until Khaleel shook him. "Hey, wake up."

Waking with a snort, Kasim looked around, then whispered, "Is she done whining yet?"

"Nah. Look, just pretend to be interested."

Kasim looked up at him. "What, you think we have a chance with her?"

Khaleel shrugged. "You never know. The odds are better if there's two girls at the merc's table instead of just one, know what I mean?"

"Gotcha."

"... and she was calling her breasts 'Man-catchers'! I mean, who names their breasts? That is so... I mean, they're just part of a woman's body! Why do guys go so ga-ga over breasts anyway? That is so weird!"

Paige: (smirks) "I think 'ga-ga' sums it up pretty well."

"That is a sound a baby makes," Klatu said.

Paige: (smirks some more) "Heather, it sounds like you've had a pretty rough time."

"Yeah, pretty bad," Khaleel smiled. "But, you know, I think you may be stronger than her."

There was a loud guffaw from Kasim, before he started coughing. Khaleel slapped him hard on the back. "Don't drink so fast, man. Anyway, Heather, you shouldn't let the fact that your boss is obnoxious get you down. Do that, and she'll win."

"Huh?" Heather said.

"I think what he means," Kasim said, "is that you need some kind of support group. You know, shoulders to cry on, like that."

Paige: "Hey, that's as nice idea."

"Yeah, a support group!" Khaleel smiled. "We'll be happy to help you out."

"Um, thank you," Heather smiled.

"I wish I had a support group," Klatu muttered into his beer. Paige: "Barbarians have support groups?"

"Of course. No man can make every kill alone."

The table went dead quiet for a moment. Finally, Kasim cleared his throat and said, "Hey, nice weather we're having, huh?"

"Yeah," Khaleel smiled. "Beautiful." Paige: "Oops! Here she comes!"

The four of them dove under the table, leaving Heather blinking on confusion, as Bodiccea walked in. "There you are! Listen, I got the quest, talked with Fara, Cain and Lysander, and the Mule left some jewelry in my stash. My resists are good; no way was I taking on Ancient Kaa with only 12% lightning resistance."

"Um... ok."

"Nothing for you yet, sorry. Hey, you were saying you need some more levels. How about we get to the sewers, and I don't kill anything. It's all skellies anyway, I hate skellies. You do all our business, except Radamant, I'll get him. Ok?"

"Sure."

"Great!" Bodiccea smiled. "Hey, who're all those butts sticking out from under the table?"

"Uh... they're drunk."

"Huh. Well, whatever. Let's hit the sewers."

"Are we going to be there a long time?"

"Probably, there's three levels. At least we'll be out of the sun for a while."

Heather nodded. "Yeah. You're starting to turn kind of red."

"So are you." Bodiccea grinned. "Think we should hire somebody to carry parasols?"

"Nah. That joke's been done."

"Yeah, you're probably right," Bodiccea laughed. "To the sewers!"