Bodiccea (Chapter 17)

Template:Bodiccea nav Bodiccea almost seemed to be in a hurry to get back to the Maggot Lair. She was -- she wanted to get it over with. Who wouldn't be eager to put the most mucus-enhanced map in the whole damned game behind her? Not long after dawn, they squeezed through the slimy entrance tube and had a look around. The first chamber had a few funeral urns, two Desert Eagle mercs slimed to the floor, and a goo ball that spit out an ethereal Brandistock when they popped it. There was only one exit, so they took it.

The next chamber was very small, and full of two things: urns, and a Stone Skin Rock Worm. There had to be over 20 of them in there; kicking pots out of the way took more time than killing the unique, especially after Heather caught up. She hung back and kept out of trouble like a good Rogue should, but by the time the room was clear, Bodiccea was literally dripping with venomous green slime. Once it was safe, she spit to clear slime away from her mouth, screamed "EWWW!!" and ran back outside to the waypoint.

"Ms. B?" Heather yelled, chasing her back towards the inn, "we need to finish the lair!"

"Not until I get a bath!"

"They don't have bathtubs at the inn!"

Bodiccea stopped. "What? There has to be a bath!"

"Um, this is a desert. They don't take baths here. There's not enough water."

"AIEEE!" Bodiccea gibbered, bits of slime dripping off her to sizzle on the pavement. "THIS IS DISGUSTING!!!"

"It'll probably dry up and flake off. See? It's drying up already."

"Heather! Being covered in DRIED bug snot isn't any better!"

"Look, I'm sorry, but you know, those bugs don't have much range. Maybe..."

"No, Heather. I am not switching to a bow. I know it would make you happy, but uh-uh."

"Well... ok, if you think that's a good idea..."

"Don't even try that ploy on me, Heather. I got enough of that from my mom."

"Did she use a bow?"

"Javelins. Aw jeebus, I'm crackling."

"Yuck," Heather agreed, watching bits of green mucus flake off Bodiccea every time she moved. "Um... what do you have against bows anyway?"

"I've got nothing against bows. It's the people who use them. Snotty little witches who got the good skills and all the best gear. Ok, there's Lightning Fury, but that's javelins. I wish to heck Lightning Strike actually worked, that would be so cool."

"Maybe you could put a bow in your weapon switch, for when you need one."

"Nuh-uh. Anything they can do, I can do better and faster." Bodiccea smirked. "Back in the day, Duriel killed Bowazons right and left. They had to keep a spear handy to deal with him, or at least the smart ones did. But Spearazons never need bows."

"What about Iron Maiden?"

"I like old-school metal fine," Bodiccea grinned. "Oh, the curse. Run around until it fades. Or wait 'til you get hit with something else."

Heather nodded, flicking a bit of green off Bodiccea's shoulder. "Ok. I'm kind of wondering if we're going to be running back into the sunlight every time a bug spits on you."

"Hell, no. It's just that... for a minute there, I had so much slimy stuff on me, I wondered if I'd gotten sucked into the wrong kind of anime or something."

"Huh?"

"You don't want to know," Bodiccea laughed. "Just watch out for tentacles."

Back in the lair, Bodiccea led the way around the twists and turns of the tunnels. The walls seeped, the ceiling dripped, and the floor was slippery with slime. As they pushed deeper in, Bodiccea joked that she hadn't felt this wet in years; Heather did her best to ignore the implications of that. Like usual, Heather followed at a short distance. More than once, she hung so far back they got separated, and Bodiccea, not having the Teleport skill (also known as Summon Mercenary), had to go back for her.

As they went, Bodiccea kept acquiring new coats of bug drool, which never really dried while they were down there. She even developed the habit of shaking like a dog before going back to town to get the worst of it off. Heather was especially careful to keep her distance when she saw Bodiccea's pack was getting full. They found several corpses wearing Desert Eagle clothes, unless that's what the desert nomads they go on about in the Diablo II manual are supposed to dress like.

In a treasure room with two chests, they found a unique Black Locust pack, which Bodiccea let Heather to kill while she grabbed the loot. The next side chamber had gray Rock Worms, several urns, and two chests. One chest coughed up charm of greed #22. When you think about it, the amount of wealth in the Maggot Lair is strange -- it's a bug nest, not a tomb. Whatever the reason, Bodiccea now had plenty to gamble with. If only gambling was worth anything this early in the game... Bodiccea took a risk on a ring. It was -- shock and amazement -- a Ring of Greed. "Maybe I need a new map seed," Bodiccea thought, before selling the stupid thing back.

Down on the second level, Bodiccea and Heather ran into their first mucus door. "Um... Heather? Could you open that for me?"

Heather looked back and forth between Bodiccea and the translucent panel of slime hanging from the ceiling. "You always told me not to open doors so the monsters don't come in and get us."

"It's ok, you can open this one."

"Um... you YELLED at me not to open doors so the monsters don't come in and get us."

"I won't yell at you! It's just that if I have to touch that 'door', I'm going to run screaming like a little girl all the way back up to the surface again."

Nose wrinkling, Heather said, "I don't want to touch it either."

"What's the matter? Are you scared?"

"You're the one asking me to do it. Poke it with your spear. It's long."

On the other side of the door, a buzzing voice yelled, "Look, will one of you open the door already? We're hungry, and we want to eat your faces."

"No!" Bodiccea yelled back. "It'll pop and get slime all over us!"

"What's wrong with that?" the voice asked. "Faces taste better that way."

"Well, I'm not gonna open it," Bodiccea said. "You open it."

The voice answered, "I can't open it, you open it!"

"Oh, no! I'M not gonna open it, YOU open it!"

"I CAN'T open it! YOU open it!!"

"You do know, the monsters down here don't know how to open doors?"

Bodiccea smacked herself in the forehead, then winced. "I've gotta stop doing that."

"Or get a helmet."

"Shaddup."

The unseen speaker made a noise, which might have been chuckling but sounded more like a skipping miter saw than laughter. "You're not very bright, are you?"

"Hey!" Bodiccea yelled, "I may not be an honor student anywhere, but I've got a nice ass!"

"Besides," Heather said, "you're the one who can't figure out how to open a door."

"Shaddup," the voice mumbled.

"You shaddup!" Bodiccea yelled back.

"You both shaddup!" Heather stamped her foot. "Ms. B, you have to open the door."

"But it's icky! Why me?"

"Cause you're the hero! You know, prima donna?"

Bodiccea opened her mouth to reply... then closed it again. Fuming, she punched through the slimy portal. "Heather, never quote me again."

"Like I'd want to," Heather muttered under her breath as she moved to a sniping position.

The Death Scarabs on the other side of the door were dispatched without much trouble, as were the Black Locusts beyond them. Locusts and beetles kept coming down the left tunnel, and stopping before Heather had a clear shot at them. They set up an ambush: Bodiccea moved into the right branch of the tunnel, just past their entrance. As monsters dribbled down the tunnel one by one to attack her, they stopped right in front of Heather, who shot them while Bodiccea jabbed. The beetles dropped some nice items, including a charm that was NOT a charm of greed. Not that it was any good, of course.

Level 2 of the Maggot Lair was mostly winding passageways and a few rooms. Each was a treasure room, and one poured out 8 rare items -- again, none of them any good, but a rich trove nonetheless. Bodiccea was busily turning every gemstone and blue potion they found into full rejuvenation potions, buying reds from Lysander when she had to.

"Hi there. I need... 5 reds."

"Oh, hello. Fancy seeing you again. Since you found that cube thing of yours, you've been coming over very regularly."

Bodiccea shrugged. "You don't like my business?"

"Quite the contrary! I haven't had such frequent feminine company in years. With the troubles in the desert, the situation has grown even more deplorable. All the girls went and hid in the palace, you see, so there hasn't been much scenery to feast the eyes upon."

"Aw, poor baby," Bodiccea pouted. "I'm doing my best, but there's only one of me!"

"Yes, I can see that. Both of your points, that is."

Bodiccea acted shocked. "You can see both of my WHAT?"

"Oh, no, no, not like that at all!" Lysander waved his hands before him. "Or rather, I can only wish that were true. But you are doing your best, and while there is only one of you, just one goes a long way, and I assure you everyone appreciates your efforts."

"That's better," Bodiccea laughed.

"Except perhaps Fara, and Atma, but they are in the minority."

"Eh, they're too serious. You know, Fara tries to sell me armor with more coverage every time I stop to get my stuff fixed? You'd think she and Heather were in cahoots."

Lysander glanced over Bodiccea's shoulder. "Well, they do seem to be conspiring..."

Sure enough, Fara and Heather were quietly conversing, almost out of view. "I should have known," Bodiccea said. "They must think I'm pretty dumb."

Lysander stroked his beard thoughtfully. "Now, how could they think a thing like that?"

"Hey!" Bodiccea laughed, "not all dumbs are blonde! Now, I gotta catch 'em in the act or they'll never learn. Toodles!" As Bodiccea approached, Heather glanced up. Then she and Fara stopped talking and turned away from each other. "Hi!" Bodiccea said, grinning broadly. "What were you guys talking about?"

"I was asking Miss Fara if she had a suit of that splint armor you liked, but with no magic and two sockets."

Bodiccea turned to face Fara. "Do you?"

"Not today, I am afraid. There is a suit of scale mail --"

"Too heavy, too ugly. You two don't need to find nicer armor for me, I'll be getting some shipped in soon. Resistances matter more around here anyway."

"I agree," Fara said. "I have faced the elements unprotected, so it pains me to see you when you return. Much of your suffering is unnecessary. This mail is enchanted to resist Hell's fire, and --"

"I'm fine against fire, thanks. In fact, I'm pretty good against everything elemental right now, and poison isn't bad either. So, thanks, but I don't need anything!"

Fara sighed. "Faith is stronger than any armor, but courage alone will not turn a blade."

"Sure, that's what leather is for. C'mon, Heather, let's squish some more bugs."

Back in the tangle that was level 2, they found a section glowing with multicolored light -- a sure sign of Champion somethings. Sure enough, it was lightning beetles: four Champs, a cursed unique, and several swarms of biting flies. Bodiccea switched to Impale and spent a lot of time grunting and thrusting. She even had to drink a precious blue to keep going. For her part, Heather was very good, and restricted herself to the locust swarms while Bodiccea killed the beetles. They dropped two spears that would have been nice about 15 levels ago, and a pair of chain boots with 23% magic find.

After remarking on the absence of a Maggot Lair waypoint (hey, they put one in the sewer, why not the bug pit?) Heather and Bodiccea slid down to level 3. Here, Bodiccea started running, to find the Maggot queen before she had time to fill her chamber. When she got lost, Heather had to move around to catch up because Bodiccea wouldn't stop. Bodiccea reached level 23 killing a random maggot before they found her.

It took quite a bit of wandering to find Coldworm's chamber; she already had 7 or 8 worms and half a dozen eggs ready to hatch. Bodiccea dove in and started jabbing, concentrating on the adult maggots. In no time, the floor was thick with slime. Worms were spitting, eggs were bursting open, and Coldworm kept churning them out. Bodiccea killed one adult, then another; Heather was doing a good job clearing away immature maggots. Finally, there were only three adults, no unhatched eggs, and Coldworm. Bodiccea was jabbing an adult when an icy explosion filled the chamber. The maggot queen squealed and showered the room with poisonous ichor -- Heather had killed her.

After losing her lunch (if only she could throw a jav that hard) Bodiccea handed antidote potions around and they killed the last few maggots. The floor was thigh-deep in poisonous muck, so they had to look hard for the Horadric staff.

"Is this it?" Heather asked, holding up a crud-encrusted stick.

Bodiccea had a scroll of identify with her. "Long Staff of the Apprentice, +1 to Charged Bolt. Nope."

"How about this?"

"Nah, that's a Gnarled Staff, +2 to Lightning, one socket. It'll be in a chest of joy."

"Ok..." Heather said, slogging towards one end of the chamber. Then she squeaked and pitched forward face first into the muck. "I think I found the chest."

"Open it! The staff is called the Staff of Kings!"

After rooting around under the surface, Heather came up with a stick. "Say, if the Horadrim were mages, why is it the Staff of Kings? Shouldn't it be the Staff of the Magi?"

"If Blizz named it that, they'd get their asses sued off by TSR. The name makes as much sense as anything else around here. It's not worth worrying about."

"I guess. It just seems strange."

Bodiccea shrugged. "Whatever. We're done. Let's get out of here.

Cain was astounded to see the staff, and congratulated Bodiccea on her inexplicable knack for finding just the right precious relics. She put it in her stash and took the waypoint back to the Far Oasis. They cleared the Oasis easily. Beetleburst and company were on the lower level, and dropped a mask. Masks are a bizarre idea for a helmet. They're probably supposed to be funeral masks, ugly to scare hostile spirits away. The unique mask, the Face of Horror, should be even uglier than that -- a clown, maybe, or a giant smiley face -- but it looks like any other mask.

Bodiccea was amused to find a double axe, or labyris, just before they left the Oasis. The labyris is Athulua's chosen weapon, so it was kind of funny to find one here. The waypoint for the Lost City was just inside the entrance. Grinning, Bodiccea took the waypoint, ran over to Drognan's, and waited for the lights to go out.

"3... 2... 1..." Bodiccea muttered, and the sky suddenly darkened. "Happy New Year!"

"That was three months ago," Drognan informed her. "Greetings. I've heard you are the one responsible for banishing Andarial back to the burning Hells. I'm impressed, stranger. That couldn't have been easy."

"Sure it could have," she smirked. "Anyhoo, weird weather, huh?"

"I've been researching this lengthy eclipse, and believe it to be the work of --"

"Claw Vipers," she said along with Drognan. "In their little temple behind the Lost City."

"That is my belief as well," he said, quirking an eyebrow. "You know of the Lost City?"

"It ain't lost no more. Wanna hit the town tonight, Heather?"

"Um... don't we usually get some sleep after finding a waypoint?"

Bodiccea shrugged. "Mmm. Yeah, we couldn't paint the whole town red and do the temple before we got tired. See you in the morning."