Bodiccea (Chapter 28)

Template:Bodiccea nav The next morning, when Heather went to check on her, Bodiccea was already up and gone. Her first guess was that she was at Asheara's. She was, but Heather did not expect to find her in the position she was. Asheara was lounging in a low chair, her feet stretched out in front of her. Bodiccea was kneeling on the floor, Asheara's feet in her lap, vigorously rubbing one with some kind of soft stone.

"... so anyway," Bodiccea was saying, "that was pretty bad, you know? But it wasn't the worst thing. What was really bad is what they're talking about for next season, the worst thing I could have heard. You know what they're saying?"

"Mm-mm," Asheara nodded, lazily staring down at Bodiccea as she bent over -- right down into her cleavage, it looked like.

"Ruffles! Can you believe that? RUFFLES! Ok, maybe they look all flouncy and pretty on some skinny little thing with no chest, but they make me look like a parade float! When are they going to realize not everyone is a 16-year-old anorexic? We are pre-silicone; the only way someone my height can get curves is if I'm, well, a little chunky."

"You look pretty good," Asheara murmured, her eyes never moving. It sounded to Heather like she didn't understand or particularly care what Bodiccea said.

"Thank you!" Bodiccea beamed. "I know I should lose some weight, I really should. I do crunches every morning, and I lead such an active lifestyle with the monster killing and all, but it never seems to go anywhere. You're looking hotter than ever!"

"Mmm. You like?"

"You've always looked hot. Oh, hi Heather!"

"Hi," Heather said, frowning as Asheara looked up and glowered.

"Now, Ashy-babe? You need to do an exfoliation every night before bathing. Before, not after, or you'll lose more skin than you want. Get pumice blocks at The Beauty Boutique on Skovos, they have the best ones. Only do the tops if you're not going to wear shoes. You have such pretty feet, now that I can see them through the calluses."

"Sure," Asheara said, pulling her feet back.

"No, no, you still need the pedicure! Your nails need serious work."

Nervously shifting from one foot to the other, Heather asked, "Miss B? Didn't you want to go out to Kurast this morning?"

"Oh?" Bodiccea said, a bit sarcastically. "You want to go out with me?"

"Well... yes."

"You didn't seem too happy yesterday."

"Um..." Heather glanced at Asheara, and stammered, "I... uh... I was upset."

Standing, Bodiccea turned to face Heather with a smile. "I know. At least you'll admit it. You know, there's no reason that you and Asheara can't get along. Asheara, do you know any reason why Heather would be upset with you?"

Asheara and Heather stared hard at each other for a minute, until Asheara lazily shook her head. "Nah."

"That's 'cause there isn't any," Bodiccea smiled. "See, Heather? Asheara is cool with you. Maybe if you ask nicely, she'll give you some style tips. How about that?"

"Sure," Heather quietly mumbled.

"No problem," Asheara said with a smile. "I'm willing to share."

"Great!" Bodiccea bounced. "Asheara, I gotta hit the jungle again. You know, that whole 'kill Mephisto' thing? Boring, yeah, but it's gotta get done."

"Yeah," Asheara nodded. "Why don't you come back tonight? Maybe you can get your merc to not hide in the corner and stare like before."

"See? People notice when you do things like that. C'mon, Heather. Let's go!"

From the Flayer Jungle waypoint, Bodiccea and Heather fought their way on and on through pack after pack of Flayers -- about like usual, in other words. They actually went through a pack of champions without noticing they were any tougher than normal. Past a side area with nothing but a pond and a bridge to nowhere, they began seeing more corpses. Kurast must be close. Sure enough, a little further on was the pair of River Stalkers, the scattering of gold, and Stormtree. While he still had minions, Bodiccea used Fend, then switched to Jab once he was alone. Her health bulb never moved. Hooray for 17% life leech.

Lower Kurast was populated with Hell Buzzards, Doom Apes, and Zakarumites. Bodiccea had never seen this many three-quarters naked men in her life, and it was a damn shame she had to kill them all. Maybe in Travincal, she'd kill the council and get the orb first so the Zealots would be a little easier to seduce. Then again, Zakarumites turn funny colors the deeper you get into the city, so she might not want to seduce them. Until then, it was full clears all the way, which meant a lot of chasing Zakarumites down.

"I hate it when they run away," Bodiccea grumbled, kicking a Zakarumite off her spear.

"I thought you liked chasing men," Heather smiled a little.

Bodiccea turned to say something, then realized she was joking. "Heather! I like having men chase ME. Big difference."

"If you stop being so aggressive, they'll come back."

"And then I fend 'em off. Well, there's no time to play hard to get, so we chase 'em down and nail their asses."

Suddenly, Heather started laughing. "And none dare call it sexually suggestive."

"Heather, are you having a really bad period or something?"

Aside from a cold-enchanted Jungle Leaper and his pack, Lower Kurast went by uneventfully. Frost Novas are so annoying. There was plenty of loot, including a Vulpine amulet of Greed and plenty of identify scrolls. Bodiccea always made sure to leave one item unidentified, or Cain would get grouchy. Once she had enough money, they went to visit Alkor.

"Hiya, Alkor. Time to gamble."

"I will be happy to take a chance with you, bouncing girl! First: it pains me to waste time with you --"

"Oh, yeah," Bodiccea snapped her fingers. "The black book. Weird; I always forget that one, and it's one of the best quests."

"Quiet, stupid girl! First, your brazen advances taunt my withered manhood, and now you interrupt one of my best speeches? Gamble your money away then, and leave me to weep my bitter, impotent tears alone!"

"Aw, poor Alkor," Bodiccea smiled and patted Alkor on the head. "You're only bitter on the outside. Inside, you're full of creamy nougat. I'll take the ring."

"Ha! A ring of greed. Silly girl."

"Damn."

On and on they went, through building after building. The wonder chest was in the center, and coughed up six blues. A boss Zakarumite pack kept running away; various minions had to be chased down over half the city. The boss dropped the unique mace Crushflange. One basket popped out with 4 bundles of arrows when Bodiccea kicked it. If she used the damn things, she might have been happy. Finally, FINALLY, the last Doom Ape in Lower Kurast died and Bodiccea got enough experience to reach level 30.

"Woo-hoo!" Bodiccea whooped. "Let's summon a Valkyrie."

"I thought you said Bowazons liked those."

"Everybody likes Valkyries. Besides, maybe I'll know her."

Heather frowned a little. "What is a Valkyrie?"

"They're the spirits of the greatest Spearazons who ever lived, the personal servants of Athulua." Bodiccea grinned. "I guess Blizzard, in a rare moment of good sense, figured out that Bowazons and Javazons wouldn't make the cut."

"I thought you said they were a distraction and a meat shield."

"Heather, you need less memory or more tact," Bodiccea grumped. "Here we go..."

Raising her spear high, Bodiccea made a mysical gesture, and with a metallic crescendo, a glowing spear maiden in ancient plate armor appeared. She and Bodiccea gazed at each other, until Bodiccea suddenly squealed, "Aphie!"

"Boddy! Yay!" the Valkyrie answered, and they gave each other a big hug.

"Wow! I didn't even know you were dead."

"A 'hunting accident' with a Javazon using Lightning Fury," the Valkyrie snorted.

"Huh? You don't hunt with Lightning Fury, unless you want your boar pre-cooked. Did anyone buy that?"

"Nope," the Valkyrie grinned. "She got hers. Hey, who's your friend?"

"Oh! Aphelia, this is my merc, Heather. Heather, this is Aphelia."

"Hi," Heather smiled. "So, you know Miss B from somewhere?"

"Yeah," Aphelia laughed, "me and 'the body' go way back. Your sympathy is welcome."

"Hey!" Bodiccea frowned as Heather broke out in giggles. "I wasn't that bad."

"Yes, you were! Remember the time you made a play for my brother?"

"I did not! He was after me!"

"You asked him if he wanted to do some mountain climbing and stuck your tongue in his ear."

"Ohmigawd, that sounds so bad!" Heather's eyes widened.

Fuming, Bodiccea said, "Is it my fault he was 6 inches shorter than me?"

"Boddy, EVERYBODY was 6 inches shorter than you! And when you finally DID get some poor sap to be your boyfriend, all you ever did was flash him and run away laughing!"

"Aphie!" Bodiccea screamed, turning bright red. "I was still learning how to best make use of my assets."

"Is that what you crazy kids are calling it these days?" Heather laughed.

"It was just for fun!" Bodiccea objected.

"Until he got tired of chasing you," Aphelia laughed. "Then he left you and all we heard was broken-hearted boo-hoo-hooing for weeks on end. And you wrote that poem titled 'All Men are Morons'."

Still giggling, Heather turned to Bodiccea. "Wait a minute. You told me you left him, and your other boyfriends too."

"Shut up, Heather."

"Other boyfriends?" Aphelia said. "I don't remember any other boyfriends."

"Shut UP, Heather..."

Heather cleared her throat, trying to stop laughing. "Ahem. Yeah. Um... I didn't know Miss B ever wrote poetry."

"I think she was around 14. Lemmee see what I remember..."

"MY GOODNESS, LOOK AT THE TIME!! WE'D BETTER RUN UP TO THE KURAST BAZAAR PRONTO, OR WE'LL NEVER MAKE ANY HEADWAY ON OUR INCREDIBLY IMPORTANT QUEST TO SLAY THE HORRIBLE MEPHISTO AND FREE KURAST FROM HIS SHADOW!!!"

Without waiting, Bodiccea took off at top speed, drawing Heather and Aphelia along behind her towards the gateway to the Kurast Bazaar. Neither of them could run nearly that fast, of course -- they both had to bounce out of the game and back in several times on their way across Lower Kurast.

"Hey," Heather said as they met on their way through the monitor cable, "you know this trick too?"

"Knew it before you did," Aphelia said. "Mercs couldn't teleport 'til the expansion."

"Wow. You've got to tell me more about Miss B when you get the chance."

"Love to! Especially since Amazons don't have an unsummon skill."

"Oh, wow! You're really up on this stuff."

"Living in the realm of the immortals has its advantages."

Heather nodded. "Um... say, is Aloothua... uh..."

"Athulua."

"Yeah. Is her consort really another goddess?"

"Yes."

"Um... why?"

"Do you really want to know?"

Heather thought about that for a while. "I think I'll be happier if I don't."

"I think you will be too."