Bodiccea (Chapter 37)

Template:Bodiccea nav In the morning, Bodiccea woke to a tapping on her door. "Uungha," she greeted her visitor, and Regulix walked in. It must be nice not having to bother opening doors. Regulix's armor and spear were nowhere to be seen. Instead, she wore a simple mid-thigh length tunic in the Greek style, belted at the waist and pinned at the shoulders, leaving her arms and long legs bare. The light, breezy cloth was perfect for the desert heat, and fluttered with every movement of her body. Her feet were bare, but a pair of sandals hung by their lacings from her hand. Perfectly disheveled hair cascaded in flowing amber waves over her shoulders, clear to the small of her back. She didn't say a thing as she glided in, simply laid herself out over the only chair in the room, stretched like a lioness, and went limp with a smile and sigh of deepest satisfaction.

Bodiccea cleared her throat. "I guess you had a good time last night."

"Intoxicatingly so," Regulix purred. Her eyes half opened, the blue somehow smoldering under long lashes as she gazed off into space. "It is extraordinary how deeply we can miss a thing, yet be aware of it only when reminded. The glories of the company of Goddesses are not to be denied... I would be the last to do so. Yet, all the same... there is so, so much to be said for simple, straightforward, earthly carnality..."

The last word slid slowly off her tongue, like satin from bare skin. In the moment it rested between her lips, there could be no more erotic term in any language. Bodiccea just stared, then finally murmured, "You've never had a pimple in your life, have you?"

"Hmm?" Regulix gazed at Bodiccea, looking mildly surprised. "No, not that I recall. Why do you ask?"

"Nothing," Bodiccea muttered and reached for her clothes. "Sorry to be a buzz-kill."

"Ah." Regulix sat up straighter. "It is I who should apologize. This is neither the time nor place to rhapsodize about physical pleasures."

"I'm surprised you could find a guy who'd put up with the glowing," Bodiccea grumbled.

Regulix quirked an eyebrow, her eyes twinkling with amusement. "On the contrary: more than one remarked on how pleasant it was to meet someone who didn't insist on putting out the lights."

Once that sank in, Bodiccea looked up. "More than one?"

"Bodiccea!" Laughing, Regulix tsked. "Whatever could you be thinking of me?"

She grinned. "That, as a Valkyrie, you have enough stamina to wear out ten guys?"

"Oh, many more than that," Regulix said slyly. "But one mustn't kiss and tell. Let us leave this lascivious subject behind, for now, and plan for today's battle."

"Yeah," Bodiccea nodded, and thumped on the wall. "Heather?"

In the other room, Heather answered, "Yes?"

"Let's get dressed and get going. It's time for the big D."

Back in the Pandemonium Fortress, Bodiccea stopped to listen to Cain's speech, and Tyrael's. After Regulix shook her and Heather back awake (it was early) they hit the waypoint and set off up the River of Flame. Hadriel didn't even wave as they went past; snotty bastard. It would serve him right if they lured some demons back to thwack him, but they didn't. The river monsters were a relief: Urdar, Pit Lords, and Maw Fiends. No fliers, no breeders, and especially no damned knights until they reached the Chaos Sanctuary.

Storm Casters met them at the door of the sanctuary. One flew away over the lava -- one always does. It was nice enough to come back and die a minute later, while they were busy with a champion pack of Pit Lords. The shrine right inside the door was a Fire Shrine. They ignored it, and slowly crept forward. Doom Knights came into view up ahead, and Bodiccea retreated. Their Oblivion Knight lord came right behind them, casting Amplify Damage on Regulix as she faced off with the Doom Knights. Thankful for the distraction, Bodiccea ran around and Jabbed the Oblivion Knight to death before he could curse her. Heather and Regulix cleaned up the rest, and Heather reached level 33.

Their next few encounters with Oblivion Knights also went fairly well. With her great speed, Bodiccea could run around the Doom Knights and reach the Oblivion Knight, once killing one right in mid-cast. Even when one did get a curse off, it was something like Decrepify or Lower Resistance. Those, she could deal with. She almost felt confident approaching the central pentagram. Two knight packs attacked, and four Oblivion Knights cast curses. The winner was Iron Maiden. With one hit, more than three quarters of Bodiccea's life was gone. Quickly assessing the situation, she decided on the only rational course of action: she ran, screaming like a little girl for Heather to save her.

Once the curse faded, Bodiccea switched to Jab and ran around to the first Oblivion Knight. It retreated into a group of Pit Lords, so Bodiccea ran back for O. K. #2. It hit her with Lower Resistance; sucker. O. K. #3 went next, but O. K. #4 found his Iron Maiden button again. The Pit Lords joined the surviving Doom Nights, and soon monsters were everywhere, with curses and attacks flying willy-nilly; Bodiccea could not afford to sit out of the fight, or Heather might get killed. They retreated.

"Okay, this is bad. We're getting slaughtered."

Heather nodded. "I wish you'd quit running around so much, I can't tell what you're doing."

"I'm trying to get away from those Oblivion Knights. Iron Maiden is nasty!"

"Perhaps employing a lightning skill would be to your advantage," Regulix suggested.

"You're starting to sound like Phoebe," Bodiccea snorted.

"An alternative," she went on as though she'd never been interrupted, "would be to refrain from hostile action while under the influence of the curse. Remain with the Oblivion Knights instead, and goad them into cursing you again."

Bodiccea thought about that for a minute. "Kind of dangerous... but it might work. Even better would be to find a shrine and use it to override the curse."

Heather smiled. "There was one near the pentagram up there."

"Yeah," Bodiccea grinned. "Let's go back and try that again."

This time, things went better. Bodiccea got hit with Iron Maiden once, but the handy Cold Resistance shrine canceled it and she killed the O. K. with ease. After clearing the area around the pentagram, they headed off into the leftmost wing of the sanctuary.

After carefully dissecting two more knight groups (sure, there were other critters, but they're almost irrelevant) they found a Mana Recharge shrine, which Bodiccea saved for later. Three more knight groups were by the seals, and they were immediately Iron Maidened. Bodiccea led the slow retreat back to the shrine; after clearing out the melee guys, they went back and got the Oblivion Knights. Killing the Grand Vizier of Chaos was actually easy.

The central wing went smoothly until an Oblivion Knight cast... you guessed it... Iron Maiden. This was getting old fast. Bodiccea ran around in front of the O. K. until she got Decrepify, then killed it. In the meantime, Heather was being swarmed, and Regulix couldn't do enough damage to help her escape. Screeching like a banshee, Bodiccea charged in and crushed all who stood before her. The lamentations of the woman were cured with two red potions.

After breaking Lord de Seis' seal, they slowly came back until they spotted their first Oblivion Knight minion. It ran up to them, then away: the typical minion strategy. Bodiccea inched forward until Lord de Seis came into view, and cast a Decoy next to him. He and his minions gave it their full attention; it didn't last long, but gave them time to kill a minion. A second Decoy bought them two more stragglers, and a third covered a direct assault on the Lord himself. Just before he died, he cast... Decrepify. Sucker. The last two minions ran around like headless chickens until they cut them down. That was a good fight -- nobody got hurt who shouldn't have. Diablo would be no problem.

The final wing of the Chaos Sanctuary went just like the others. Bodiccea hit level 34, and spent a fair bit of time dancing around in front of Oblivion Knights who refused to curse her again. She broke the fourth seal by accident while Fending off some Doom Knights, but was good and ready when she hit the fifth. The Infector of Souls is quick enough to be fairly nasty, but Fend is made for big crowds; the instant he died, the whole sanctuary went red and "Not even death can save you from me" echoed all around them.

Bodiccea decided to use Fend, with Regulix and a Decoy close by. It worked on Hey, Fatso!, no reason not to try. Unfortunately, Diablo didn't do what they expected. First, he used his Pink Lightning Bolt of Ultra-Zappage, aimed at Heather. Bodiccea fed her a fat purple. Then he threw his Firestorm of Extreme Annoyance -- another purple for Heather.

Then he ran over, right past Bodiccea and Regulix, took Heather's head in one hand, and crushed her skull like an overripe blueberry. She never even got a chance to scream.

Bodiccea screamed for her. It went something like this:

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!! YOU FVCKING BASTARD!! THAT WAS MY BEST FRIEND THAT WAS MY ONLY FRIEND I'M GONNA KICK YOUR GAWDAMMED A$$ SO FAR UP YOUR OWN SPINE YOU'LL BE SH!TTING OUT YOUR TONSILS FOR A WEEK EXCEPT YOU'LL BE DEAD YOU FVCKING BASTARD!! GET YOUR A$$ BACK HERE AND DIE NOWNOWNOWNOWNOW FVCKING BASTARD AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!! EAT THIS EAT THAT EAT SOME OF THOSE DON'T YOU DARE STEP ON HER YOU FVCKING BASTARD OR AT LEAST WIPE YOUR FEET HERE I'LL HELP BY BITING YOUR GAWDAMMED LEGS OFF!!! AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!! DIEDIEDIEDIE AND DIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIE SOME MORE I'M SORRY WAS THAT YOUR SPLEEN? I'M GONNA EAT YOUR GAWDAMMED LIVER WITH FAVRE BEANS AND A NICE CHIANTI SLURPSLURPSLURP OH YOU LIKE THAT, HUH? HERE'S SOME MORE OF THAT AND SOME MORE OF THAT AND SOME MORE OF THAT! DIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIE DON'T YOU DARE DIE ALREADY YOU FVCKING BASTARD I'M NOT FINISHED WITH YOU!!! aw, fvck it."

Regulix, who had been ignored throughout the battle, lay her hand on Bodiccea's shoulder as she sobbed. "You have done well, and she could not have chosen a better way to die. None could expect to face the Lord of Terror without suffering loss."

"Dammit!" Bodiccea cried. "I thought he'd come after me and leave you guys alone! I do way more damage than either of you!" With tears streaming down her face, she shook her fist at the uncaring sky, howling, "Why? Oh, why did it have to be this way?!"

With a sigh, Regulix fixed her steely gaze on the horizon. "You realize this would be much more meaningful if you weren't just going to resurrect her."

"I know," Bodiccea sobbed, "but how often do I get the chance to play out a truly harsh and emotional scene like this?"

"That's certainly true," Regulix smiled. "Shall I give you a few minutes to more fully develop the melodrama?"

"Nah, it's all good. How'd the fist-shaking bit look?"

"I'm sure the Goddess herself wept at the sight of it."

"Coolness," Bodiccea grinned. "Well, the big D's drop sucks, like usual. Let's talk to Tyrael and blow this popsicle stand. On to act V!"

Regulix laughed. "Odd that you should mention popsicle stands, considering where we are going."

Tyrael raised Heather from the dead, but only when paid. Why an angel would want cash, Bodiccea didn't try to guess. Heather was all right, but she did tell them a strange story about meeting a small man with a very large nose while she was dead. Before they pulled her back, he told her she'd probably be bouncing in and out of there for the rest of her career, and she'd better get used to it. After healing Regulix and patching up equipment, they all went through the red gate, off to the Barbarian Highlands.

"Say, Miss B?"

"Yeah?"

"Can we watch the cut scene this time? It's supposed to be a good one."

"Oh, sure. Let's watch 'em both. That Barbarian guy going splatooie is funny in kind of a sick way."

"Uh, sure, Miss B. Whatever floats your boat."

Concluding Thoughts:

1. It's official: everybody hates Abyss Knights and Oblivion Knights.
2. I think this is the first character since Xanthippe who had a serious problem with Iron Maiden. Darn those high-damage, low-vitality melee builds.
3. I thought for sure Diablo would stick with attacking Bodiccea. Maybe he goes for the one with the highest damage weapon, not the highest damage attack.