Bodiccea (Chapter 39)

Template:Bodiccea nav In the movie theater, a few had broken away from the main group, but most of the heroes were watching Xanthippe try to get the Legalos poster away from Bodiccea. She'd wound up with it somehow, and was holding it over her head while Xanthippe ran around jumping and trying to grab it. "Uh, Xany?" Bodiccea asked, "why don't you just use telekinesis?"

"I can't, it won't work!" Xanthippe snarled. "Too many d!ckheads were using it in trade scams, so Blizzard nerfed it!"

"Oh man, that sucks. Does teke do anything anymore?'

"It synergizes energy shield." Quickly, Xanthippe hopped up on one of the theater seats, then jumped and grabbed the poster. "NOW GIVE!!"

"Awright, awright!" Bodiccea surrendered it. "Jeebus, what a b!tch."

Xanthippe stuck her tongue out at her. "Damn right."

After sighing, Kasim mockingly clasped his hands together and piped in an exaggerated falsetto, "OOOH! He's so DREAMY!"

Paige: (rolls eyes) "Shut up."

"No," Kasim muttered. "We can't watch those films anymore without one of you coming in and ruining it. I haven't even seen the third one."

Paige: "I never ruined anything. I just watch the movie."

Amanita snorted. "And leave little puddles on the seat."

Paige: "Hey! That's rude."

Kasim laughed. "Yeah, I thought it was just guys who were supposed to do that."

Paige: "That is gross. I'm leaving." (walks off)

Further down the aisle, Xanthippe and Bodiccea had made peace and were kneeling on the floor together, cooing and sighing over the poster. "Jerhyn has eyes just like his."

"Yeah?" Bodiccea asked. "I guess I never noticed."

"No," Xanthippe huffed, "you just looked at his money."

"Xany! That is so not true. I think he's incredibly cute. Being rich was a bonus."

Kasim shook his head. "Sheesh. I do not get this. That elf is so gay."

Klatu shrugged. "Don't try to understand how they think. Just find out what works."

After a moment's thought, Amanita said, "Hey, guys. Here's a question for you: why do you call other guys 'gay'?"

Kasim shrugged. "'Cause he's, like, totally gay?"

"There is no question about it," Klatu said.

Amanita shrugged. "What it sounds like to me is that any guy who's better-looking than you must be gay."

They snorted in derision. "He looks like a little boy, not a man," Klatu observed.

"Hmm," Amanita thought about that. "Ok, you're right there. Viggo Mortensen was way hotter. But looking young doesn't make somebody gay. Gay guys don't act any different from anybody either, so --"

Both mercs broke out in laughter. "Yeah, right!"

"Look," Kasim laughed, "does anybody around here act like pasty?"

Varnae, who had been pretending not to listen, cocked an eyebrow at the implied insult. "Of course not," he replied with a mild smile. "Though I believe that is more an indicator of intellectual capacity than any personal preferences. As for the actor... while I hesitate to even suggest concordance with our resident troglodytes, I fear that these two do not hold an isolated opinion."

Amanita looked dubiously at Varnae. "Wha...? I figured, if anybody, you'd --"

"Tut, tut, my dear. Let's have no ill-mannered speculations, hmm? I did not speak for myself; no matter how tedious existence is, I could never bring myself to spare the time to form even an uneducated opinion on such an issue. However, a simple perusal of the actor's credits reveals his first movie role. It was in a film biography of Oscar Wilde, in which he was cast... as a Rent Boy." As Klatu and Kasim busted up laughing, Varnae chuckled. "Obviously, whatever traits of character these two observed are also visible to others."

Slowly, Amanita started grinning. "For real?"

"Absolutely," Varnae smiled.

"Hey, Xany and Boddy!" Amanita called. "Wanna see another movie with Orlando in it?"

"There's another one?"

"Is he still cute?"

"Sure," Amanita nodded. "It's his first film role, so he's even younger."

"Ooh! Coolnitude!" Bodiccea came bouncing over -- and stopped dead when she saw the expression on Amanita's face. Xanthippe bumped into her back. "Ow! Don't stop!"

"Wait a minute..." Bodiccea glared around suspiciously. "Ok, what's up?"

"Nothin'," Kasim grinned. Klatu shrugged, also smirking evilly.

"Whatcha worried about?" Amanita started laughing. "I hear it's a great film. I think he has a love scene."

Varnae raised an eyebrow at that, but said nothing. Now Bodiccea and Xanthippe both looked suspicious. "What," Bodiccea asked, "is it with another guy or something?"

Amanita laughed. "Right the first time! He plays a bum boy."

"EW!" Bodiccea squealed. "You're disgusting. Leave Orlando alone!"

"That is totally gross," Xanthippe said, crossing her arms and glowering.

"Aw, c'mon, girls..." Amanita grinned cruelly. "Just think of it: Legalos gettin' hot sweet man-lovin's from some other pretty guy..."

"I don't wanna know what YOU like to think about," Xanthippe hissed. "Not everybody's a weirdo like you."

"Heh." Amanita quirked an eyebrow, stepped over to Xanthippe, and bent down to look her straight in the face. "You know, I have figured out who was writing that Legalos/Frodo slash over on the Fire Sorceress bulletin board..."

Xanthippe's eyes went wide, and she blushed a deep, deep crimson. "You're... you're not supposed to read our boards!"

Amanita laughed. "I'm not supposed to go through your stash either. Let's see what I remember... 5 back issues of 'Non-Threatening Boi' magazine..."

"HEY!" Xanthippe squeaked! "Okay, okay! I see what the game is! I get it! So: what have you got in your stash, huh? PLAYBOYS!?"

Her smile froze, but Amanita's eyes narrowed to little slits. "You do know, don't you, what an incredible stereotype that is?"

"Yeah!" Xanthippe nodded vigorously. "Is it my fault it fits?"

"It does not!"

"Um..." Bodiccea said, "actually, it kind of does."

Glaring at them both, Amanita slowly said, "I. Like. Men. OKAY!?! Crimony."

"Uh, huh," Xanthippe stared at her defiantly. "So, what's in your stash?"

"That's my business."

"And what's in mine is your business too?!"

"Xany, I'm an Assassin. I spy on spell-casters. Get used to it."

"You're not supposed to spy on us!"

"Uh, guys!" Bodiccea raised her hand a little, grinning nervously. "You're both starting to freak me out a little, so... how about we just calm down... accept that the other person is probably a total pervert... and be friends again?"

Amanita stared at her. "We were friends?"

"Don't you start," Bodiccea sighed.

"I am not a pervert!" Xanthippe huffed.

Amanita laughed. "I know you're not. I read your slash, remember?"

"Ouch!" Bodiccea laughed. "That good, huh?"

"Yeah. Man, it blew," Amanita made a face. "Nothing but hesitant innuendo and burning longings and lovey-dovey glances and aching for a true soul-mate. Never heated up at all." She grinned at Xanthippe. "So you're off the hook, girl."

Xanthippe glowered at her. "Thanks, I think."

"Great!" Bodiccea said, and turned to Amanita. "Now let's go through your stash."

"What?!"

"Fair's fair! You went through hers, she gets to go through yours!"

"Yeah!" Xanthippe grinned. "Afraid I'll find your Playboys? I noticed you never explicitly denied having any."

"I DO NOT HAVE ANY PLAYBOYS!!"

"No whips and chains?" Xanthippe asked.

"No!"

"How about a... ahem, marital aid or two?" Bodiccea asked.

Amanita hesitated. "I do not want you pawing through my stuff."

"Then you should have stayed out of mine!" Xanthippe said triumphantly.

"You know we're gonna figure out how to get in there eventually," Bodiccea grinned. "You did it, so can we."

"I'm an Assassin," Amanita smiled. "I can get past any lock."

"We know that's not how stashes work..."

Gritting her teeth, Amanita sighed, and finally said, "All right, all right. I was bored out of my skull, so I asked the Mule to let me look. But I didn't touch anything. Blondie?"

"Yeah?"

"Don't you EVER say it's always us ganging up on you again!"

Bodiccea laughed. "When did I say that?"

"Lots of times," Xanthippe smirked.

"No, I didn't."

"Hell yes, you did," Amanita nodded.

"I so totally never did! You guys must have remembered it wrong."

Amanita glanced at Xanthippe. "Denial ain't pretty, is it?"

"Uh-uh," Xanthippe shook her head. "Let's go look at your stuff now."

She took a deep breath, and let it out slowly. "Okay, if it'll shut you up."

Xanthippe grinned evilly. "For a while."

As they walked up the aisle and out of the theater, Bodiccea turned to Xanthippe. "So... 5 issues of 'Non-Threatening Boi' magazine?"

Blushing a little, Xanthippe nodded. "Yeah."

"Can I see?"

After a moment's hesitation, Xanthippe nodded. "Sure."

As the door closed behind them, Kasim turned to Klatu and quietly said, "That was totally bizarre. When we talk about them like that, they get mad."

Klatu shrugged. "As I said... don't bother trying to understand them."

While all this had been going on, Regulix approached Thaddeus as he sat in the back of the theater. "Noble Zakarumite? May I beg of you a few moments of your time?"

"Hmm?" Thaddeus blinked. "Oh, of course! Ah... I am happy to oblige."

"Thank you." Regulix sat down next to him. "While I have never been a follower of Zakarum, there is wisdom to be found in the teachings of your church, and I feel I am in need of spiritual guidance."

Thaddeus stared at her for a while, slowly nodding. "I... hesitate to offer any to one such as you, who is clearly more advanced in the Light than I."

Regulix smiled. "You underestimate yourself, or perhaps I misspoke. The matter is an earthly one."

"Ah. Concerning something... recent?"

"Yes. Of all Athulua's Valkyries, my name is among the least spoken of in the mortal world. Rarely am I summoned, so before I went to aid Bodiccea on her quest, I had not set a foot on the earth for many, many years."

Thaddeus nodded. "I seem to recall you mentioning that."

Pausing, Regulix looked away. "Please do not take what I said to silence that oaf too much to heart."

"Ah. I understand."

She went on, but her eyes were downcast. "It had been so long since I had savored any sort of earthly sensations, I felt --"

Thaddeus shifted a bit in his seat. "I believe I understand your reaction."

"I am not sure if you can. Please, try to imagine --"

"You need not go into the details!" Thaddeus laughed a bit. "I am not a priest, and this is not a confessional. Perhaps if you skipped on to your central thrust. I mean, whatever is really bothering you."

After regarding him in silence for a moment, Regulix went on. "Noble knight, your church regards lust as a sin. Why, exactly, is this so?"

Leaning back, Thaddeus took a deep breath and said, "The sin of lust is one of selfishness, placing one's desires above the needs of others. The lustful man does not concern himself with where or when he takes his pleasures, or who is harmed thereby. The... uh... carnal act is not, in and of itself, sinful, as it is necessary for the procreation of our kind."

Regulix slowly considered that. "A not unreasonable position." Then she turned away, and stared at the theater's blank screen. "Yes. I believe I have behaved selfishly."

"Well..." Thaddeus shrugged a little. "Participating in pleasurable acts is not inherently selfish. Say, if you like spicy food; there is no harm in that. Avoiding the pleasures of the world would deny us many reasons for living a virtuous life."

"You are kind," she replied with a sigh, "but it is clear to me that my actions did have the potential to harm others. In my time with the Goddess, I had forgotten the importance of reputation. While in Lut Gholein, I never thought of the impact my activities might have on those near me -- that my actions would reflect badly on the one I am here to serve."

"Heh. Lady Valkyrie, Bodiccea's own actions reflect badly on her. Even if the rumors we heard about you are all true, I think she would be improved by your company."

Regulix smiled. "Your words are sweet, but the reaction of your company when I first came belies them. Please, do not try to coddle me. Bodiccea should not be forced to associate with... how should I say this..."

"A man-eater?"

"Yes. Much less take on the reputation of one."

"That may be," Thaddeus said. "To be honest, I don't think Bodiccea would mind having a reputation as a man-eater." He considered Regulix for a moment. "It still seems to me that she might be improved by your company. My first impression was very different from what I understand of you now."

Regulix smiled softly. "You are very kind. Perhaps, in this matter, your wisdom is greater than mine. I shall defer to your judgment." Then she smiled broadly. "Besides, Bodiccea asked to borrow my armor, and she cannot until she is sufficiently advanced."

"You'd best remain with her. I'm sure you will be welcome to." Looking down at her armor, Thaddeus frowned a bit. "She wanted to borrow that?"

"She asked to, yes."

"Hmm. That also seems unlike her. Strange."

After leaving the group, Paige had gone into the back of the theater. Khaleel was sitting in the projection booth, looking quite sad and apathetic.

Paige: (walks in) "Hey."

He looked up. "Oh, hey."

Paige: "What's going on?"

"Nothin'. Just thinking."

Paige: (nods) "Mind if I put on the Lord of the Rings DVD's?"

"Nah." He gestured vaguely towards the far wall. "They're over there."

Paige: "Ok... so, uh... how's Heather?"

Khaleel didn't answer for a minute, then shifted on his stool and sighed. "I guess she's ok."

Paige: "Oh. What do you think of the Valk?"

"She's kind of weird."

Paige: "How so?"

"Well... it's like, she looks like Princess Grace, but..."

Paige: "Oh, yeah." (laughs) "A whole barracks in one night. Yikes."

"Yeah. I heard somebody say once, 'she looks like butter wouldn't melt in her mouth -- or anywhere else', but she goes and does that. She's like some weird combination of a porn star and Martha Stewart."

Paige: "So, you don't like her?"

"Nah. I'll bet the other guys do."

Paige: "Well... she is beautiful, right?"

"Yeah," he nodded. "She looks awesome, no lie."

Paige: "Is that enough?"

Khaleel turned around and frowned at her. "No."

Paige: (smiles) "You're bummed about Heather, ain'tcha?"

"Yeah, I'm bummed about Heather!" His frown deepened as he turned away. "Look, she's made up her mind. I don't wanna talk about it."

Paige: "Sure you do." (Pulls up another stool next to Khaleel and sits down.) "Now, here's what you need to do the next time you talk to her..."