Bodiccea (Chapter 42)

Template:Bodiccea nav Dinner was roast rabbit. Some Barbarian down near Larzuk's had been cooking them up for the entire siege, so in spite of all the talk about being hungry there was plenty. Heather was just getting some when Bodiccea came over, her armor polished and gleaming. "Hi, Heather, Reg. Mmm, bunny burgers."

"Oh, hi Miss B!" Heather said with surprise. "I thought you'd be there longer."

"To repair stuff? How long does it take to hit one button?"

"I thought..." After glancing ruefully at Regulix, Heather blushed and said, "I kind of thought you might want to do something else."

Bodiccea stared in confusion, then laughed. "What? Heather! We were just flirting."

"Well, yeah, but..."

"Oh, come on. Ok, he's got amazing shoulders, and that tight little butt, and big strong forearms, and those eager-puppy-dog eyes, and..." Then she thought for a minute. "Ok, I see why you might have thought that, but... Heather, the hair thing."

"Well..." Heather shrugged. "Lots of guys don't have hair."

"Yeah, but they're all old. Hmm." Bodiccea grabbed a couple of rabbit legs, and they went walking among the empty houses. "You think maybe if he totally shaved his head?"

After trying to imagine that, Heather gave Bodiccea a dubious look. "I dunno..."

"I dunno either. Anyhow, I know you think it's shallow, but I cannot get all that into him."

"Then why were you flirting with him?" Regulix asked.

Making a small noise of protest, Bodiccea glared at her companions and said, "Don't start with this! Come on, flirting is fun! And he's so eager!" With a glance at Regulix, she went on, "Don't try to tell me it's bad. I know you've done a lot worse than just flirt."

"That is true," Regulix said impassively. "And I am sorry my thoughtlessness has reflected badly on you. I hope someday you will forgive me."

Bodiccea's jaw hung open. "Huh? For what?"

A wan smile crept onto Regulix's features. "First, you say I have done worse things than you, and have no right to speak ill of you. When I apologize, you ask why, as though I have done nothing I should regret."

Glancing heavenwards, Bodiccea laughed ruefully. "Yeah, ok. It's just... ok, you didn't do anything you should be sorry for. Hey, guys do stuff like that all the time, why shouldn't we? But it's a lot more than flirting, so you shouldn't say flirting with one guy is bad."

Regulix shook her head. "I did not mean to imply such a thing. I wondered whether you thought about how Larzuk might react to you."

"Sure!" Bodiccea grinned. "Like a happy little puppy! He's really sweet."

"I am sure he did. And then?"

The grin faded. "And then... what?"

Regulix nodded quietly. "Bodiccea, for all his size, Larzuk is but a boy, unsophisticated and inexperienced. However, even more worldly men would be likely to see your flirtations as an expression of an interest you do not have."

"Yeah," Heather nodded. "Elzix figured it out, but he's Elzix."

While the others spoke, Bodiccea stared off into the sky, teeth gritted. Once they were finished, she irritatedly said, "Look, I am not leading him on. If I wanted to lead him on, I'd still be over there. All I want to do is have some fun."

"That is true," Regulix smiled. "We both realize you would never be deliberately cruel. May I have a few moments to share something of my past with you?"

"Huh? Uh... sure." Heather looked curious too.

"Thank you." Her eyes dropped for a while, as though she was considering what words to use, before Regulix began to speak again. "As a young girl, I was not considered attractive. Bodiccea, you must know something of what it is to grow very tall at a young age."

"Oh, yeah," Bodiccea grinned a little.

"Yes. Unlike you, I was also very thin. 'Beanpole' was the kindest of the epithets applied to me. My rapid growth left me clumsy, in addition to the other difficulties of adolescence. It was an awkward stage of life for me."

Bodiccea slowly nodded. "I... I just can't see that. You're so PERFECT..."

"No, Bodiccea. No one is. My embarrassment at myself made me a perfectionist, and I remained one for the rest of my life. I held myself up to very high standards -- higher than many around me could tolerate." She smiled ruefully. "The epithets changed to 'Ice Queen' and 'Princess Perfecta'. I attributed the ill-will to jealousy."

"You might have been right," Heather said quietly.

"It hardly matters," Regulix shrugged. "After I died, still believing my greatest flaw was my greatest virtue, our Goddess took me to herself and showed me to me. Seeing yourself truly is a terrible blessing." She went silent, but neither Bodiccea nor Heather spoke. "There is more, but I cannot think how to describe it. I remained there until your call came."

"Athulua herself decided I should answer you and go into the world again. I did so out of gratitude to her, and once here..." Her head dropped, cheeks turning bright pink. "Like you, I decided I wanted to have some fun. There were so many things I'd never allowed myself to do the first time."

"Heh," Bodiccea smiled a little.

"Miss Reg?" Heather raised her hand a little. "Can I ask a question?"

"Of course."

"Um... this may sound kind of weird, but... why THAT thing? I mean, couldn't you have eaten too much ice cream or something instead?"

"I cannot say," Regulix shrugged. "It was an impulse. Perhaps those who called me 'Ice Queen' in life were merely noting the part of myself I had always repressed most forcefully. Once I decided to unleash it, the impulse was... powerful."

Heather nodded, still looking confused. Bodiccea laughed weakly. "Well... I guess that makes sense... you know what they say about those really repressed types."

"I do," Regulix nodded, "and sometimes what they say has some truth in it." She went quiet again, eyes down, as though remembering. A smile played about her lips. "I won't say I didn't enjoy the night."

"Uh uh!" Bodiccea shook her head, laughing nervously. "You looked pretty happy when you came back in."

"Nor would I recommend the experience for just anyone." The smile broadened into a positively lewd grin. "But I don't regret doing it. What I regret are the consequences."

"Consequences?"

Sighing, Regulix smiled indulgently, as she might if she was dealing with a nice but rather stupid child. "Do you remember when we visited your friends in the theater?"

"Oh! Yeah, everybody thought you were some kind of crazed slut or something."

"Yes." Her smile changed to one of genuine warmth. "It was very generous of you to try to save me, Bodiccea. It never occurred to me that my night of fun could harm you in any way; I did not think."

"Aw, Reg..." Bodiccea frowned, "you're making way more of that than it was. It's not a big deal! If they can't deal with you, that's their problem."

"Perhaps I am still holding myself to too-high standards," Regulix nodded. "It is a flaw of mine. But I am afraid it is a 'big deal'. When I said I would find a way to pass the night here in Harrogath, the first thing Heather feared was that I might do as I did in Lut Gholein. Even you become visibly nervous when the topic arises."

"I'm sorry," Heather mumbled.

"You should not be," Regulix said quickly. "I embarrassed you, and you fear I might do so again. It is a legitimate concern."

"Ok, ok, ok!" Bodiccea shouted, holding up her hands. "Reg, Heather, how about this: from now on, the whole Lut Gholein incident is officially No Big Deal. Nobody got hurt, everybody involved had a good time, it's all good. Ok?"

Heather nodded enthusiastically. "Ok!"

Regulix nodded as well, so Bodiccea went on. "Now: you're bringing this up because you think I'm not thinking about who might get hurt by teasing Larzuk, right?"

Looking slightly impressed, Regulix nodded. "It would surprise me greatly if he understood how you could treat him as you did, yet have no interest in him."

"Ok, I see that. I did it because I'm an attention whore; that's my flaw." Heather nodded quietly. Bodiccea snorted. "You don't have to agree so fast!"

"Sorry, Miss B." Heather smiled a little.

"And your flaw," Bodiccea pointed dramatically at Heather, "is that you won't stand up for yourself! Quit agreeing with me all the time!"

"Ok, Miss B." Then Heather grinned. "Fvck off, Miss B."

"Heather!" Bodiccea squealed in highly dramatic shock. "What would Akara say?"

"She'd tell you to fvck off too, Miss B."

"Damn right, she would." Bodiccea smiled brightly. "So, are we friends again?"

"I don't see why not," Regulix smiled.

Heather giggled. "Fvck off, Miss B."

"Heather, there is such a thing as too much of a good thing."

"I should know," Regulix laughed.

They all hugged. "Oop! Sorry, Reg, I got rabbit grease on your armor."

"It has seen worse. Your meat must be cold by now."

"Icy. Literally." Bodiccea shrugged. "Oh, well. Cold rabbit is pretty good too."

"Very good. You both had best eat and find a place to sleep. This building seems vacant."

"Good enough. Nitey-nite."

The night passed very comfortably -- Barbarian beds are warm, deep piles of soft furs, with plenty of padding to insulate you from the cold ground. Getting out of them into the cold morning air took genuine willpower. A new bow was lying on the ground next to Heather's bed, along with one of those damn notes.

"Hidey-ho! I guess I do have a bow with +1 on it: the unique edge bow Skystrike! It's kind of small and got lost under all this crap I'm carrying around. Try it out!

-- The Mule"

Regulix had tried to speak with Qual-Kehk, and while he was very impressed with her, he didn't seem to think he should tell her anything important. He would speak to Cain, and the foremost thing on his mind was the safety of his men. Some of them were imprisoned up on Arreat's slopes, for who knows what purpose. Getting 15 would repopulate the city and free up some hirable mercenaries.

"Are you going to hire one, Miss B?"

Bodiccea laughed. "Gawd, no! They're smelly and stupid and besides, I've got you around. You could kick some bone-headed Barbarian's flabby ol' butt any day."

Heather smiled, hefting Skystrike. "And if the Lightning Hose works really, really well?"

"Then you'll be out-killing me again," Bodiccea sighed. "What a shame! I'll have to go beat up The Mule for better gear."

"What if he hasn't got anything better?"

"He's got to. I know he's got a Mancatcher lying around somewhere, and way better armor than Goldskin. Let's hit the trail."

From the Frigid Highlands waypoint, Bodiccea and company did a quick Shenk-Eldritch run. Heather's first shot was a fire arrow... but then the Lightning Hose arced out from her bow arm like a tongue of white flame. It was pretty, and everything it touched just melted. Slaves incinerated, Shenk died in seconds (ok, Bodiccea helped a little) and Eldritch went even quicker. Both Bodiccea and Regulix gave Heather a respectful look before they started up the slope.

Against Imps in big open areas, the hose proved less effective. They moved and teleported around so much, and kept themselves at such long range, the lightning often couldn't reach them. Heather was accustomed to staying a long distance behind Bodiccea, which was good when she was shooting fire arrows, but the Lightning Hose just didn't have that much range. She did get her share of kills, though. Against Crush Beasts, the hose was awesome, and she could stand in an Imp's inferno blast without blinking.

By the time they found their first Evil Demon Hut, Bodiccea was completely fed up with Imps. She'd switched to Jab and kept it there long ago -- there was rarely a chance to hit more than one opponent anyway. Before killing the hut, she stopped to look inside. Instead of mummy bits and duct tape-wielding Necromancers, the thing held a tiny factory, where some kind of jello was being poured into molds and zapped with electricity. "The little bastards are probably immune to lightning in Hell difficulty," she thought before caving the roof in.

Behind another Skull and Rock pile (MAN, those are weird chests) they found their first fortified wall. There was a random Imp with the Fanaticism aura (guess who died first) and some random Baba trying to head-butt through a solid wall, but no prisoners. Bodiccea hit level 37, with Heather right behind her. The Lightning Hose worked well inside the wall, especially against stationary targets.

The second fortified wall had one cage, with Thresh Socket the unique Crush Beast guarding it. The Imps kept blasting imprisoned Babas; Bodiccea wondered if that kind of treatment would eventually kill them, but had better things to do than wait and see. Anyway, Heather utterly wasted Thresh, and they moved on.

Heather wasn't doing such a good job on Imps, and Regulix had a hard time catching them, so Bodiccea spent a lot of time running them down. At one point, while running down slope, a green bolt of light passed by far overhead. It took her a minute to figure out that it was a poisonous Catapult shot coming from the third wall -- kind of neat that Blizzard remembered to put that in. Now, if only they hadn't forgotten so much other stuff...

The third wall had two cages; soon, all the Barbarians were free and Bodiccea headed back to town to speak with Qual-Kehk. "Hi, big guy! How's things?"

He frowned, looking a bit uncomfortable, but quietly said, "Thank you for rescuing my men. They have spoken well of your bravery."

"They'd better. Now, before you hire any of those boys out, they need baths, a shave and a haircut, and something to wear besides that ugly kilt. Believe me, unless you're Sean Connery, kilts are not as sexy as guys like to think."

That earned her a somewhat disgusted stare, which Bodiccea ignored. "It is only fitting," he went on, "that I reward you for your efforts on our behalf."

"This magic ring does me no good -- wear it proudly!"

He blinked. "I do not understand."

"Sorry, wrong useless present. Gimme the runes. Say, where are all the female Babas, anyway? I've seen a couple of bodies, but nobody out fighting."

"Our women do not wage war," Qual-Kehk declared. "That is men's business."

"Huh," Bodiccea said, acting ignorant. "Is that why you're getting your asses kicked?"

"I believe that what Bodiccea meant to ask," Regulix said as Qual-Kehk bristled, "is that your women are noticeably absent, even inside the city."

Qual-Kehk snorted. "I am old, not deaf, and heard very well what was said to me. Baal has proven a formidable opponent, but this war is not over yet. You have helped us greatly, and for that I am grateful. But no one, no matter how great, should forget to keep a civil tongue in their head."

"Oh, so sorry!" Bodiccea giggled. "No, really, I'm just a snot and you shouldn't take me seriously. Anyhoo, I gotta get back up there. I haven't even found the mini-hell yet!"

He stared silently at her, then scratched his head. "Then good luck to you."

"Thankee. Ba-bye!"