Bodiccea (Chapter 45)

Template:Bodiccea nav It didn't take long to find Regulix -- she was conversing with Larzuk -- and soon Bodiccea was leading her merry band back onto the Arreat Plateau. On their way to the second wall, they found an exploding shrine, and agreed that Barbarian shrines are among the nastiest-looking in the whole game. Kurast's are made of bones too, but Baba ones have a lot more fresh blood and grue. There was also a little Baba house, with fences, banners just like ones back in the Rogue camp (lazy graphics designers) and the dead bodies of Mr. and Mrs. Nelson outside. Bodiccea reached level 39 about the time they hit the wall.

There were two Babas running around up there: one was swinging ineffectually at Imps and bumping into the wall, but the other had been backed into a corner by close to a dozen slaves, all primed to explode. Bodiccea decided to let Heather and Regulix take care of that crowd while she killed a nearby tower. Past the wall, they ran around for a while, killing and looting uneventfully. There was a Lasher with Holy Shock, but thanks to careful application of Decoys, he never targeted anybody who could get hurt.

The next mini-hell was the Pit of Acheron, and a fine mini-hell it was. There were Overlords and Ice Boars instead of Imps, but otherwise it was the same as the one before. Bodiccea didn't bother to change armor this time; stifling a yawn, she led them out onto the islands and let Heather snipe. Sniping worked much better with Kuko. It was kind of fun watching the slaves explode from a safe distance. The next island had a Night Lord boss, which she also sniped. He dropped Isenhart's Case, of course.

Later, as they crossed a bridge, two big groups of monsters attacked them. On one side, a bunch of Night Lords, with a boss Hell Lord pack right behind them. On the other, a dozen exploding Boars and lots of frenzied normal ones. Thinking quickly, Bodiccea cast a Decoy by the frenzy-taurs and retreated to the bridge, letting Regulix go in first. Once the exploders were gone, she recast the frenzy-taur Decoy and ran like a bunny through the remaining Boars to get the Overlords behind them. Mopping that side of the equation up didn't take too long, giving them plenty of room to maneuver as they went back to the frenzy-taurs... who by this time, were completely charged up from destroying the Decoy. "Maybe I should have done that the other way around," Bodiccea thought as nine walls of frenzied muscle came barreling down on them like drunk frat boys invading a sorority.

This was no time to risk the Fend bug -- Bodiccea switched to Jab and hoped 24% life leech would be enough. They were quickly surrounded; even Heather got three of them to deal with. Gritting her teeth, Bodiccea jabbed and jabbed a Night Lord until it died. Heather was taking serious damage, even with Regulix helping her; Bodiccea decided to take the risk and switched to Fend. It worked -- another Night Lord went down. That left three Hell Lords for her, including the boss. Heather had managed to kill one of hers and Regulix was working on a second, paying no attention to the last Hell Lord pounding away on her back. After hitting a potion for Heather, Bodiccea moved two steps closer to her, so all the frenzy-taurs were within reach of her spear. Once she started Fending, they all turned on her, but that suited her fine -- she had them where she wanted them, so it was just a matter of time.

"You ok, Heather?"

"Ow ow ow ow... yes."

"Ok. Sorry, I guess I blew it."

"What?" Heather stared at her in confusion. "How?"

"I'm thinking," Bodiccea kicked a dead Hell Lord, "I should have Decoyed the exploders and taken these guys on first. Slaves explode on a Decoy, but the frenzy-taurs just used it to charge up."

Regulix shook her head. "Not all of the Ice Boars were energized. Your Decoy would have neutralized some of them, but the remainder would have attacked from behind as we fought the minotaurs."

"Yeah," Heather said. "Those bull-men are scary. I don't think there's much we could do about them, no matter what."

"Heh," Bodiccea said. "Yeah, I guess there should be at least one monster in the game that isn't safe to deal with, no matter what you do."

"Another possibility would be to meet them on the bridge," Regulix suggested. "In such a narrow place, only one or two attackers could come at a time. A lone defender could hold them off while an archer weakens them from a position of safety."

"Oh, yeah," Bodiccea smiled ruefully. "I remember somebody talking about crap like that back in school."

"It is a good strategy. You have used it on other occasions."

"Yeah, yeah," Bodiccea nodded. "So I tried something else this time. Heather, next time we have to deal with a whole mess o' frenzy-taurs, retreat to the nearest bridge."

"What about when we're in the Worldstone Keep?"

"Wing it." Bodiccea grinned. "Life is better if you live it on impulse."

Heather smirked. "Is that because you never think far enough ahead to make plans?"

"Shut up, Heather. I'm a blonde, what do you expect? Let's finish this place off, it's boring down here."

The golden chest o' joy had a two-socket staff with a bonus to Fireball. Some Sorcie would like to put "Leaf" in that, so Bodiccea tucked it away for The Mule and started the long run back to the plateau. Running in full plate is very tiring. Back in Diablo I, anybody could learn how to Teleport. On the other hand, nobody could run, and running is a good thing. The second wall was the last; all that was left was Sharptooth Slayer, some Imps, and the first Evil Urn. The Urn coughed up gold and a few baby spiders, which really shouldn't have lived long on the ice. No monsters -- the first hit's always free.

Inside the Crystalline Passage, their first encounter was some Moon Lords, also known as red bulls. "Hey Heather," she said after killing the last one, "did I ever tell you about the time I tried some Red Bull?"

"The hyper-caffeinated drink?" Heather asked with alarm.

"Yeah! That was so freaky. I couldn't sleep for three days, and all my friends avoided me for weeks after. I don't remember what I said or did. Must have been good, though! I think I see something around that corner. Let's go get 'em!"

Hiding around the next corner were three Succubi. Stygian Harlots, to be more accurate: a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead. As our heroines came into view, they hissed, leaped to the attack... and stopped dead. "Ohmigosh," the blonde squealed, "before they kill us, I've GOT to find out how she does her hair!"

"And the mascara!" the brunette gasped! "No! Those CAN'T be her real eyelashes!"

"They've gotta be," the redhead shook her head, "I know false lashes when I see them, and those are real, baby."

"Yep," Bodiccea grinned, and breathed in deep. "I grew it all myself."

All three of them GASPED and stared. "I am so jealous."

"I'm more jealous than you are."

The redhead tsked, giving the others a disapproving look. "I'm almost jealous. Girls, the plate armor. Serious fashion faux pas."

"Hey!" Bodiccea yelled, looking defensive. "It's freezing down here!"

"You're telling us?" they said in unison.

"Uh... Miss B? Reg and I think we should kill them now."

"Later, Heather." She turned back to the Succubi. "I had some leathers that were just to die for before --"

The brunette grinned evilly. As you might expect, she was fantastic at it. "Ooh, leather. Good choice. I hope you got them in black?"

"No, they're red."

"Even better!" the redhead said, sticking her tongue out at the brunette. "I'm sorry, your hair is your saving grace, but that plate make your hips look huge."

"I know," Bodiccea pouted. "Sometimes, I wish I could find the men -- and you know it's men -- who designed this stuff and make them wear it for a while."

The brunette shook her head. "That is exactly the problem: they just don't care."

"You'll never catch me in that stuff," the redhead sniffed. "I know, I know, comfort and all that, but there are some sacrifices that should never be made."

"Girls!" the blonde whined, hopping up and down in frustration. "Her hair! I want to know how she gets her hair to look like that!"

"And your eyes!" the brunette agreed. "Tell! Tell!"

"Ok, ok!" Bodiccea grinned. "The eyes are easy: Lady Madeline's on Philios sells the world's best mascara. It is AMAZING: no clumping, no running, and it's almost impossible to get it in your eyes no matter what! The only problem is that it's not really that dark, but my coloring is so light I can get away with it."

"Ooh!" the blonde and redhead squealed. The brunette sulked. "Damn it! I can never get my lashes to look the way I want."

"Have you tried using a lighter eye shadow?" Bodiccea suggested. "I notice you're wearing it pretty dark. Maybe something for a little more contrast... ?"

The Succubus hesitated. "Oh. I use dark eye shadow because... I have a little trouble with my eyebrows. I've tried plucking them, and trims, but they get so thick..."

The redhead grinned, fangs glistening. "Yes... she has a problem with hair."

The blonde was giggling. "You should hear her scream when she gets a bikini wax."

"Ouch! I understand completely," Bodiccea nodded, dragging out her makeup kit. "What I am going to suggest is a blue eye shadow with just a little eyeliner. I know, blue went out ages ago, but I think with some lavender highlights, a line of plum under the brows, and none of that damn glitter, we can make it work. Wow, you have fair skin. Is that natural, or just the cold?"

"It's natural," the brunette glowered, and puffs of steam rose from her ears. "We're hot-blooded wenches. It helps when we need to break the ice."

"I'll bet. Let me see... yeah, blue works on you. Now, you're going to need a new lip color to go with this...."

"Is my lip color all right?" the redhead asked.

Bodiccea smiled. "Your lip color is fine; ruby red is your thing! But you need to balance it with the right color in your cheeks; your rouge is too red and it's on way too thick..."

A few minutes later, the four of them were kneeling on the floor in a circle, trading tips and advice on makeup, hair, clothes, diets, and feminine hygiene products. Bodiccea was going over the brunette and the redhead in turn, and describing her personal hair care regimen to the blonde. They gave Bodiccea all kinds of advice on fashions, including ways to conceal figure flaws even if you were practically naked. Delighted squeals and grateful compliments came freely. Regulix and Heather just stood there and stared. "Perhaps we should have anticipated this," Regulix finally muttered.

Heather was gazing off into the distance. "I could have been hired by a Paladin. I'll bet this doesn't happen with Paladins..."

Regulix laughed. "I hope you do not regret your friendship so much as that."

"No," Heather smiled. "It's just... I don't know. Miss B is kind of distractible."

"That is true, though I do not believe you are any more eager to reach our destination than she."

"Nah." Then she yawned. "I don't really like her talking to them, but I don't think it can hurt anything. I guess I'm just tired. I was up kind of late last night."

"Oh. Was that wine I smelled when we met this morning?"

Heather grinned a little. "Yeah."

"Mmm. Did you get any sleep at all?"

"Um... no."

"You mad, reckless thing, you."

"I am not!" Heather laughed. "Well, maybe just once."

Regulix nodded. "Everyone should be at least once in their lives. And speaking of mad and reckless... Bodiccea, how are you getting on?"

"Great!" Bodiccea smiled. "They're showing me how a Wonderbra works! I can't believe I ignored them when they first came out."

The redhead nodded enthusiastically. "I don't know how I lived without one. They're wonderful! I put one on, and all of a sudden, ooh! Cleavage!"

The blonde laughed, looking down at her own ample chest. "Yeah! Lots of cleavage!"

The brunette snickered cruelly. "For the ones who need help..."

"Shut up, you b!tch!" the blonde hissed. "I do not need it. But more is always better."

"Hell, yes," the redhead licked her lips sensually. "Too much of a good thing is wonderful."

"I don't think I need one either," Bodiccea said, "but if I had one, I could lose some weight but keep my chestline. Then, maybe I could pull off a thong!"

"I think you could wear a thong," the brunette smiled.

The blonde giggled. "Maybe. Kind of hard to tell."

"I'll try later." Bodiccea stood up. "Ok! Thanks for all your help, it's been great talking with you. I've learned so much!"

"Anytime!" the redhead grinned, with many more teeth than is really acceptable.

"Yeah!" the blonde agreed. "It's been so much fun!"

Bodiccea nodded. "Yeah. Now, I hate to be a party pooper, but..." With one furious Fend, she stabbed all three Succubi. They crumbled into dust and bones before one could get a single word out.

Eyebrows raised in curiosity, Regulix quietly said, "Skillfully done."

"Thanks. Hey, we're doing full clears. I couldn't let them go. Besides, they're evil and stuff."

Heather chewed her lower lip, and murmured, "Uh huh."

Nodding, Regulix asked, "Do you plan to stop and converse with all the Succubi?"

"No way. They know a heck of a lot, but that much concentrated b!tchiness gives me a headache. Let's hit the trail. And from now on, kill everything on sight. Ok?"

"Except Anya," Heather noted.

"Well, duh, of course not Anya. I'm not missing out on that resistance scroll. Let's roll."

Besides Moon Lords and Stygian Harlots, they had Frozen Creepers to deal with. Again and again, Bodiccea found herself cursing the rarity of the Cannot Be Frozen mod. Ravenfrost has it, it's level 45. Duriel's Shell has it, it's level 41. Popping an Evil Urn released a pack of Frozen Creepers who put Bodiccea up to level 40... so close. The ice caves went on and on, like most areas in act V. They found wells, and wondered how the water kept from freezing, and a few of those cute little Barbarian jars that look like cakes cut into 6 pieces.

The only excitement came late in the caves, when they ran into a boss Moon Lord and his 7 minions. That was bad enough, but Heather, who was starting to get sleepy, wandered into the middle of the pack. Bodiccea charged in to Fend them off... and started whiffing. Damn. As her health ball started dropping, she cast a quick Decoy and switched to Jab. Regulix got into the tussle, Heather finally wandered away and started doing her job, and the Decoy left this world about 2 seconds after it entered it. Once they'd gotten themselves organized, the frenzy-taurs went down easily, but Heather still needed a potion after it was over.

Finally, in the very last possible corner of the Crystalline Passage, they found the waypoint, the entrance to the Frozen River (guarded by some champion Moon Lords) and the exit to the Glacial Trail. It wasn't too late yet, and Heather said she was all right, so they went through to the Glacial Trail to find the waypoint. The monsters were predictable: Death Slashers (shouldn't they be Death Sock Puncturers?), Frozen Terrors, and the Reanimated Horde. After their first encounter, Bodiccea knew they'd be even more annoying than Imps. Full clears means everything dies, making sure the Reanimated Horde is dead means waiting, and if there was anything Bodiccea hated, it was waiting. Fortunately, the waypoint was right next to the entrance and they found it almost immediately.

Down on the Frozen River, the first monsters they met were Abominables. They were kind of cute in a huge-and-hairy way. Heather wandered into the middle of the fight again, then through to the other side, where she attracted the attention of some Blood Temptresses. She really needed some sleep. Bodiccea asked Regulix to please step on her foot when she started wandering again, and they went on. The Blood Temptresses were much better at presenting themselves than the Stygian Harlots had been. Blue and green complimented their pale complexions beautifully.

A little further on, they met Rot Walkers. There were a lot of Rot Walkers down there, and Bodiccea had to make sure each and every one was completely dead before they could move on. It took damn near forever. Heather reached level 40 while they were crossing and re-crossing the river. An Evil Urn popped out a Conviction-enchanted Abominable almost on top of Regulix. She took it well, though. The Fanaticism-enchanted Frozen Terror further down the river was much worse -- there were Abominables nearby who got the aura. Bodiccea led a quick retreat to separate the two monster groups, which made the fight a lot easier.

The second Evil Urn also released Abominables, but for some reason they appeared on the opposite side of the river. Bodiccea blinked, thought "what the heck?" and looted the armor and weapon racks while Heather sniped. Her aim was kind of off, but it was a big group and Kuko shot explosive arrows, so it worked out. On their way though the last branch of the river, Bodiccea hit level 41. Hopefully, the Mule had left something in her stash... something cuirass-like, hopefully not too chitonous or slimy.

At the end of the branch, they found Frozenstein the Abominable, a few Rot Walkers, and Anya. Regulix was carrying Heather by this point, but Frozenstein only had 3 minions with him, so Bodiccea took care of them by herself. He dropped Death's Guard, which was slightly appropriate. "Hero! N-Nihlathak did this to me!"

"Yeah, yeah. I'm sorry, it's getting awful late, and I've gotta get my merc home. I'll go get the stuff from Malah."

Malah was smugly pleased to find out her suspicions were accurate. "So! That snake Nihlathak was responsible..."

"Yep, he's icky. Got the thawing stuff ready?"

"I prepared some beforehand," she said, handing over the bottle. "I suspected he would use a freezing curse as well."

"Great, great. Can I leave Heather here? She's totally spacing."

"Of course... what is --"

Back on the river, Bodiccea gave Anya the potion, cast a portal, and ran down to Anya's house before she'd closed her own gate. "Hi, babe!"

"Thank you, hero, for rescuing me," Anya smiled. "You have proven yourself a true hero to me and my people."

"Thanks," Bodiccea smiled, and yawned. "Do you mind if we have this conversation in the morning? My merc is comatose, and I'm kind of bushed myself. I'm sure you have a lot of catching up to do, so go talk to Cain; for some reason, he knows more about Harrogath than any of the people who live here."

"I am sorry, but this cannot wait! Nihlathak is going to give Baal the Relic of the Ancients, out most holy totem! With it, Baal will not be challenged --"

"Um, Anya?" Bodiccea raised her hand. "Sorry, but anything Nihly was going to do, he's already done."

"But... but there is still hope..."

Bodiccea shook her head. "Sorry, no. Hey, don't worry about it. It's not like it's the end of the world. Talk to you in the morning."