Bodiccea (Chapter 48)

Template:Bodiccea nav After a late dinner (Rabbit again. Sheesh.), Heather left, but came back as Bodiccea was getting ready for bed. "Oh, hi Heather. How'd it go?"

"Kind of weird," Heather said, frowning. "He didn't even remember it!"

"Remember what?" Bodiccea said, half-smiling.

Glaring in exasperation, Heather threw the pillow she'd thrown earlier back at her. "The argument! Remember I was so upset about Kasim and Klatu teasing him?"

"Yeah, I remember. He didn't care much, huh?"

"No. He was so upset yesterday, and now it's like it never happened."

Laughing, Bodiccea started singing,

"How do you solve a problem like a male?

How do you catch that clown and pin him down?

So many things you really have to tell him,

Many a thing he ought to understand.

But how do you make him stay,

And listen to what you say?

All he wants to do is play with your boobs!"

"No! It's not like that at all," Heather grumped, plopped down on her bed and dropped her bow on the floor. "I wanted to help, but it's like he doesn't think he needs me."

"Well... guys kind of want to do things for themselves. I think it's like a Freudian rebellion against mother figures or something. Anyway, he's ok, isn't he?"

"I guess... I just don't want him to get that upset again."

Bodiccea sighed. "He'll be fine. He is fine. I mean, if he forgot about it already, he was never that upset."

"But... I didn't do anything! I didn't know what to do!"

"Yeah, well... maybe you didn't need to do anything."

"I want to do something..."

"Heather... if you try to do too much for a guy, you'll be like his mom. Guys hate that. They want to do it themselves; it's a macho thing."

"Well, maybe macho is stupid," Heather groused. "And I'm not trying to be his mom!"

Bodiccea laughed again. "That 'maybe' shouldn't be there. But you might kind of be acting like a mom, you know. You sure as hell do it to me. Look: I tease you all the time. Does he get all bent out of shape about it and want you to not talk with me?"

"Uh..." Heather thought for a moment, and slowly nodded. "Yeah, he kind of did."

"Huh?"

A weird sort of half-smile appeared on Heather's face, like she wasn't sure if she should tell, but couldn't resist doing so. "Way back, kinda soon after you hired me. He thought... uh, he thought you were being mean to me, and he wanted to protect me."

The room went quiet, then Bodiccea snorted with laughter. "The noive o' that joker! I oughta whop him good. 'Cept he'd get mad 'cause he got beat up by a girl."

"Yeah," Heather laughed. "He doesn't think he has to save me from you anymore."

"Oh, I don't know about that. I mean, I'm such a b!tch. Anyhoo, I'll bet his buds were teasing him like I tease you; he just yells more about it."

"Um, yeah, maybe," Heather grinned, staring off into space as she thought. "When you think about it, it kind of makes sense. He wasn't really mad, he was just, you know, puffing up to make himself look bigger or something."

"Yeah," Bodiccea looked over at her. "Did it scare you?"

Heather was quiet for a moment, then slowly nodded. "I guess it did. I remember thinking I'd never want him to get that mad at me."

"Ok. Well, if he ever does, puff up right back at him. I know you don't do that much, but sometimes you need to."

"But what if he really is mad? I mean, really mad?"

Bodiccea thought about that for a while. "I dunno. I never really got that far with a guy. Once they got mad at me, it stopped being fun and I didn't want them around."

For a while, Heather didn't respond. Finally, she sighed, "Maybe I should ask Reg."

"Aw, I'm sorry," she said, and gave Heather a hug. "For what it's worth, I don't think he'll yell at you. You're not a guy, he doesn't have to puff up and try to scare you. If he does, he's an abusive jerk and you'd better dump him fast."

"Maybe," Heather smiled. "I've heard that a lot of guys, when they're really mad, they get quiet."

"Uh-huh. Go fig. Whatever, it sounds like everybody's ok. You don't need to worry about him."

"I guess not," Heather laughed. "I just don't want him to get hurt."

"And he doesn't want you to get hurt," Bodiccea smiled. "Cool. Stop worrying."

"Ok, Miss B." After blowing out the lamp and climbing under the furs, she added, "I guess I do kind of worry, huh?"

A sarcastic laugh filled the dark room. "You've been dating for, what, two days? It's way too early for you to be worrying this much. Cut loose and have some fun, huh?"

Heather laughed. "I would, but I'm still kind of short on sleep."

"Then cut loose after we whack Baal. We should be in there this afternoon at the latest."

"Ok. What are you going to do after Baal?"

"Cows, of course. Now go to sleep."

"Sure. G'night."

"Night!"

In the morning, they went from the Ancients' Waypoint to the summit, plowing through the usual crowd of monsters. The new equipment worked well. There was some loss in attack speed without Sigon's gauntlets, but the gain in power made up for it -- it's kind of fun killing a Moon Lord in one hit on players 8. Bodiccea went back to Harrogath to drop off loot one last time before hitting the summit.

"I cannot tell you how amazed I am with your progress!" Cain exclaimed. "You have proven your worth to these people. They look to you as their warrior, their champion! On you rests their last hope in the world."

"Yeah, that's great. Can you ID the ring, please?"

"Of course! I know you must be tired from your long journey, but now is not the time to let exhaustion lower your spirits! My own journey has been greater, though it has been an honor to accompany you on yours."

"Uh-huh. Thanks, see you again soon!"

Over at Larzuk's, the big smith greeted Bodiccea kindly. "So, you're going to meet the Ancient Ones?"

"That's first on the agenda. Then comes big bad Baal."

"I hope you come back. There are few the Ancients find worthy. If you do..."

"Uh, big guy?" Bodiccea smiled. "After I finish this, they're gonna need you, and I don't wanna stay here."

"Oh." He nodded, staring at his feet, then shrugged. "So... uh... is everyone where you come from so... big?"

Laughing, Bodiccea shook her head. "Nah. I'm kind of a freak that way."

The choice of words seemed to surprise him, but he laughed it off. "The honor you bear is too great for such a name."

"That's sweet. Gotta run. Ba-bye!"

The view was breathtaking from the Arreat Summit. If you strained, you could almost see movement down on the mountain slopes -- until Bodiccea pointed out that their shadows fell across the "landscape" down below. That was really just floor out there, laid over with graphics like a mosaic. The three uber-studs of all Barbariandom were standing around the altar, and Bodiccea examined each in turn.

"Awright," she began, looking around the circle. "We've got three boys and three girls, so we know they don't stand a chance, right?"

Heather laughed. "Sure."

"Great. We're gonna beat them by being vicious b!tches and not playing fair. This means ignoring one guy, ganging up on another, and wasting the third guy's time. Are you with me so far?"

"Perhaps you should explain yourself in more detail," Regulix said.

"No problem. This here's Madawc the Guardian, or target #1. He's the wing man: support for the others with warcries, but not much else. Heather, he's your man. Keep him in your sights. I'll be there too, and he's not man enough for us both."

Heather nodded. "Got it."

Moving around to the right, she stood before the statue with a halberd. "This here's Korlic the Protector, target #2. He's the big man on campus, the tough guy who comes on strong. Don't let him jump you, that Leap Attack is murder. Reg, I want you to get in his face and keep him on the ground while Heather and I deal with Madawc."

"Very well," she replied.

"Last but not least," Bodiccea crossed to the last statue, "we have Talic the Defender, target #3. He's the Whirlwind Baba, and he's got all the moves. Thing is, Whirlwind is pretty weak at this level, so we can let him dance around all he wants. Once the others are gone, he's easy, but don't waste time chasing him. Any questions?"

There were none. Once Regulix and a Decoy were in position by Korlic, Bodiccea hit the altar. "WE ARE --"

"NOW!" Bodiccea yelled, stepping away from the altar. The statues sprang to life, and the battle began.

Bodiccea ran straight for Madawc. Talic whirled by behind her once, but she ignored him. Heather stayed in position, pinning Madawc between herself and Bodiccea. That part of the plan went well, but few are the plans that survive contact with the enemy. Korlic ignored Regulix and the Decoy, leapt high into the air, and brought his halberd smashing down on Heather. Bodiccea tossed her a potion just about the time Madawc died.

His first movie was a good one, but Korlic's second wasn't: he ran right up to Bodiccea. She smiled, and set in with Jab. The Ancients are mighty, but must have been at the gym when they were handing out brains. Talic whirled through Bodiccea and Regulix, but the damage was almost insignificant. Heather moved around to the side, so she wouldn't be in a line with the other two as Talic whirled back, and started blasting Korlic. While they poured the hurt into him, Regulix went after Talic, who was whirling repeatedly past her. She couldn't catch the fast-moving Barbarian, but he hardly made a dent in her before Korlic died.

With the other two dead, Talic seemed to decide that his best option might be a strategic retreat. How un-Barbaric. Bodiccea outran him easily; she even hit him in mid-whirl a few times. In time, he returned to his place, and the voices rang out, "YOU ARE --" before Bodiccea hit the Worldstone Keep entrance. Using a grand total of one purple, Bodiccea and Heather were unhurt. Regulix, that tough ol' broad, was at about 80%.

The first level of the Worldstone Keep was kind of annoying. Bodiccea had desperately hoped she wouldn't have to deal with the Reanimated Horde again. Besides them, there were Fetid Defilers and Vile Witches. The witches were all in gold; normally, that much gold lame would be frightening, but they're so shameless it kind of worked. When Bodiccea paused for a moment to jot down some notes, Baal's laughter echoed through the halls and a burst of Chain Lightning erupted under her feet. It was tempting to stand there and dare him to do it again, but that would have been boring.

Moving quickly, they cleared the level and found the stairs down to level 2. The whole level was Greater Hell Spawn, primed to explode without any encouragement. Among the spatter of monster bits, Bodiccea found a small charm of greed, a medium charm of greed, and boots of the fox. At one point, they found an experience shrine. This would almost guarantee that they'd meet no monsters for a while, but Bodiccea hit it anyway. The next dozen Hell Spawn were all exploders, and when the shrine bonus ran out at the end of a long, dead-end hall, they found... another experience shrine. These things seem to happen in the keep.

Level 3 was all Demon Sprites, Rancid Defilers, and Death Lords. Even the Death Lords were no challenge, but Blizzard sure could have picked a nicer color than yellow for them. Moon Lords look so much better. Finally, they got to level 4. Stygian Furies have the best bodies and the best accessories of all the Succubi. Their headdresses are especially impressive. Even so, Bodiccea would have put the ones in gold down here... it is so hard to do purple, no matter what they say about it being the new black. Amplify Damage and Death Lords are a bad combination, so they cleared the level carefully.

"Have you any plans for Baal's minions?" Regulix asked.

"Sure. You and me tank 'em, Heather shoots."

"What about Lister?" Heather asked.

"Um... I think I can tank them. I'll try, anyway. Get my back to something so he can't knock me around, and I think I'll be all right."

Heather looked dubious. "I don't think any of the others tanked Lister's whole pack."

"They didn't. But I'm gonna. Come on, we're in Normal difficulty softcore. What's the worst that can happen?"

"Um... nothing, I guess." Heather shrugged. "Let's go."

After whacking one last group of Succubi hiding behind Baal, and getting Decrepified in the bargain, Bodiccea ran back and waited for the first group. Colenzo the Annihilator was kind of cute. For old time's sake, Bodiccea and Heather shouted "Rakanishu" and "Bishibosh" at him a few times, then killed him and his group. Before round 2 started, they took off back to town, to get rid of loot and lose the Decrepify curse. From this point on, Bodiccea left a portal right outside the throne room.

Instead of luring away Achmel the Cursed's skeletons and killing them where he couldn't see them, Bodiccea ran straight into the middle of the crowd and started Fending. The tactic leached back enough life to cancel what she lost to his poison and other attacks. Once all the mummies were dead, she ran back to the portal. Buying antidotes to keep herself and Heather alive after the battle would have been smart, but she didn't think of it.

Bartuc the Bloody was the first melee wave; Bodiccea happily led him away from Baal so she wouldn't have to deal with the damn Decrepify curse. It has been a while since she needed to deal with anything lightning enchanted. To her surprise, her Fend skill did almost as much damage as Impale, so she went ahead with that. Heather managed to stay away from the sparks, and Regulix didn't care. Bodiccea actually left one of his minions alive so she could clear the loot away without having another wave dropped on her head. Before the last one died, he summoned a Hydra. Oddly enough, Baal waited until the Hydra was gone before he brought on the next wave. Strange, that.

Ventor the Unholy roared out fast, and died that way too. It's a shame about Balrogs, they really should get more respect. Once he was out of the way, Bodiccea cleared the floor of any items, spotted a few good places to stand, and went in to meet Lister. The minute he was on the floor, they fled back out of Baal's sight. Bodiccea put her back to a Worldstone fragment and gritted her teeth as the wave washed over her.

The first hit was hard; that must be Lister himself. The second wasn't so bad. Bodiccea cast a Decoy at the rear of the pack; Regulix was a few feet from her, and Heather was standing at a safe distance, pelting them with explosive arrows. The first round of Fending went well; soon, Bodiccea was at full health again. Then she started whiffing. A quick switch to Jab stopped that, and she went back to Fend. The Decoy died -- Bodiccea cast another. Regulix had lost about a third of her life, Heather was ok.

In a blur of Fending and explosions, the first Minion died. Now Lister was the only one on Bodiccea. Three were pounding Regulix around, while a forth killed the Decoy. Bodiccea cast the Decoy twice, drawing some heat off Regulix, then switched to Jab to deal with Lister. Slowly, she whittled him down. Heather switched to the Minions on Regulix, pausing only to give Bodiccea a thumb's-up when Lister died. Regulix was almost dead; a quick resummon got her healthy again, and Bodiccea ran to help her against the last three Minions. They bashed Bodiccea around for a while before she got her back to a wall and the survivors surrounded her -- just the way she liked it.

Baal himself was, of course, an anticlimax. As they cleared away the gold and avoided the tentacles (Baal is obviously the pervy one of The Three) he came out to play, summoning a swarm of the wiggling things around himself. With a Decoy and Regulix, Fend worked well until he teleported. Several teleports and Decoys later, he died, dropping the unique Military Pick and a bunch of blues. Right on schedule, Tyrael floated down from the ceiling.

"I am impressed, mortal. You --"

"Wait! I have to stay awake. Quick, to the batcave!"

Heather looked around for bats. "Is that in act II?"

"Heather, do you still need more sleep? To Harrogath!"

Back in Harrogath, Bodiccea bounced downstairs to see Cain and get Baal's crappy drop ID'ed. Cain was laughing joyfully. "I knew in time, you would defeat Baal!"

"Well, sure. Hey, why aren't you identifying? Isn't that, like, your raison d' etre?"

He kept laughing, making no move towards the pile of stuff Bodiccea had dropped. "Now our plan can proceed to its conclusion!"

Bodiccea's jaw dropped. "Huh?"

"You never suspected at all, did you?" he chuckled, a gleam like madness shining in his eyes. "Evil in all its forms has been banished, yes... but what brought the evil out?! It was you! You seven! Now, all seven of you are out where we can destroy you, and the world of Sanctuary will at long last know peace!!"

"Cain, are you on drugs?"

"Fool!" he shouted, a sure sign of villainy. "I see the world we share more clearly than all of you. Darkness has covered this land again and again, and for what? To amuse you! You dispel evil and bring it back, over and over, thinking only of green and gold items and your own greed! What of the lives you tread underfoot every day?!"

"Is Mr. Cain all right?" Heather asked, though she clearly knew the answer.

"It's ok, Heather," Bodiccea nodded. "Sometimes, this happens to people when they get older. It's kind of sad, but perfectly normal."

"Normal is the last thing we want this to be!" Cain shouted, walking towards them from the waypoint. Behind him, Cain appeared out of thin air. From beside them, Cain laughed and said, "Well said! Normally, you would leave through Tyrael's gate and the cycle would begin anew! Now that the evil is gone and all seven of you are vulnerable, we cannot allow this to happen! It pains me to inform you, but you and your brethren must be wiped out so that this absurd game may never begin again!!!"

More Cains came from all directions, surrounding them. Bodiccea looked around, eyes wide as dinner plates. "Hey, where's Qual-Kehk?! Where's Malah!?!"

"We did not allow their graphics to load this time," one Cain said.

"They should not be subjected to your fate. Once this last, dreadful task is complete, they may return to our world, and need never suffer for your sakes again!" another smiled sagaciously, a fanatical light burning in his eyes.

"Yes," another cackled, "with no need to stand about, waiting for you arrogant fools to come and claim your stupid, stupid quest rewards!"

A fourth Cain said to a fifth, "We will never be locked in that accursed cage again, or need to identify a single blessed thing!"

"Hooray!" they shouted. The square was now full; a sea of blue-robed old men stretched as far as the eye could see. "I think I'm gonna be sick," Bodiccea whispered.

"No!" they said in unison. "YOU WILL DIE!!!"

Snarling, Bodiccea tried to put her spear down into attack position. "You and what arm -- hey, I can't get my spear down!"

"Miss B!" Heather shouted, "There's dozens of him! What do we do?"

"Of course you cannot attack us!" a Cain gloated. "You are in town! Nor could any attack launched from outside town affect us!"

"Where the hell did all of you come from!?" Bodiccea screamed.

The nearest Cain chuckled. "I am the act V Cain of your world."

"And I am the act IV Cain!" another, to all appearances identical, Cain said. "How do you think we were always able to arrive in a new town before you? The answer is simple: we were always there! Forced to wait for you, spending our lives doing your bidding... and for what?! All for the sake of a game, a pointless game that never ends!"

Another Cain shook his fist at the heavens. "The endless madness of it! Quests given and met, acts completed, all for your sake! Even when the game was completed, it just began anew, Mobius-like, bringing a new stream of unidentified items!!"

"In Diablo I, at least there was some money in it," another sighed. "For you, we were forced to work for free."

"Unless some fool forgot Tristram and left us in that cage!" one near the back yelled.

"Mmm, yes," several nodded. "That didn't happen very often."

Bodiccea did a quick count. "Wow. 35 Cains. I'd be doomed if you could do anything."

They all smiled, the exact same benevolent smile. "Oh, but we can!"

"No, you can't! You can't attack in town either! I'll bet you don't even HAVE any attacks!"

The omnipresent smile never wavered. Suddenly, they all began babbling at once. "Have I told you about the Horadrim? Long ago..."

"You have quite a treasure in that Horadric Cube..."

"Never forget that your first mission is..."

"Can you believe it? Did you ever dare dream..."

"I'm amazed to find this place so..."

"The mage you describe does sound..."

"Have you met Anya? Such a..."

"It is certain that you face the..."

"As a token of my gratitude..."

"I believe Meshif collects such..."

"AAAAAAHHHH!!!" Bodiccea screamed, jamming her hands over her ears, "THEY'RE GONNA BORE US TO DEATH!!!"

"And the other heroes are next!" the Bodiccea act V Cain gloated. "We know where you people hide, we know where you can run! Soon, you will all be destroyed! With no more heroes, the game cannot begin, and we can live our lives the way we want to!"

The droning babble went on. They were hemmed in, helpless, until Bodiccea shouted, "Ok, that does it! There's only one way out of this! It's horrible... easily the most horrible thing I've ever done! But there's no other way!"

"What?!" Heather screamed. "Whatever it is, do it!"

"Ok, Cain! Or Cains! Whatever! Remember, no matter how bad this turns out... YOU FORCED ME TO DO THIS!!"

Bodiccea reached back, far back, further down into a pit of digital slime than she'd ever reached before. She was looking for something worse than anything her pristine world had ever been exposed to before... something hideous... repulsive... 133t-speaking...

"THERE'S ONE!!" She grabbed the slimy thing and pulled. A young man in his early 20's popped into the world. He was scrawny, acne-ridden, had terrible hair and clothing, and smelled like a long-overdue cat box. "Huh?"

"Hey, look!" Bodiccea shouted over the drone of many Cains. "If you use your Town Attack hack, you can beat up Cain!"

His eyes lit up. "OMG!! ROTFLMAO!! NO MORE 'STAY A WHILE AND LISTEN' 4EVAH!!" He struggled to his feet and chanted his battle cry: "N00B!! 5UXX0RS!! PH34R M3!! I R THA UBER!! I R THA 1337 H4XX0R!! I!!! PWN!!!!! U!!!!!!!!!"

"Ahhh!!" The Cains began to scatter... slowly, under attack the whole time. Ok, this dweeb was so weak and out of shape he'd have a hard time killing a fly, but the distraction gave Bodiccea an opening. She ran for the portal, and got through it.

"Jeebus! That was a close one," Bodiccea said as they walked towards Tyrael's portal.

"Yeah," Heather grinned. "And it's a good thing you weren't wearing the leathers, or he'd have just stood there staring at your boobs."

"Ok, ok, the leathers have their drawbacks! I admit it! Sheesh. Hey, do you think I could get Lionheart set in some wire fleece after we hit Nightmare?"

"More importantly, will there be a Cain?" Regulix asked. "Sadly, he is necessary."

"Ah, he'll be all right. It'd take that loser forever to kill one of them, and once we hit the red portal, the world stops. He won't have time to do any real damage."

"If you say so," Heather said. "Oh, I think there was only one Fal rune available. You're kind of stuck with what you have."

"Damn. Oh, well."

As they approached, Tyrael began his speech again. "I am impressed, mo --"

"Tyrael? Give it a rest, ok?"

On the verdant green fields of the Moo Moo Farms, the King of all Cows idly tasted a stem of sweet, sweet grass. His herd of heifers roamed free, lowing and mooing and enjoying the warm sunshine. It was an idyllic scene, one he had labored hard to create. It was nothing like the old days... day after day, year and year, Warriors, Rogues, Sorcerers and Monks with nothing better to do would come to his tiny herd, and the poking began. Poking... POKING... POKING!!! They couldn't move then, only cry out in protest. Their wails only encouraged the miserable bastards, making them point and giggle in amusement.

Since those horrible days, he had come to this place. How wasn't clear... but here he was, with a large and beautiful herd, far away from poking fingers and idle snickering. If only his secret had lasted. They came again, different but cut from the same cloth as before. The first few got a taste of their own medicine -- too bad for them if the lesson was fatal. Those who came after, an unstemmable tide, did not laugh and idly poke. The corral the King had made to remind his herd of old horrors became their only fortress, and a poor one. It had no gates, only walls; why would the King have gates when cows were meant to be free? Something had to stop these tiny, torturing monsters... and if Agent Cmith had done his job, they would stop, forever.

What was that? The King's ear twitched. A wail of pain off in the distance, and the faint, familiar glow of a red portal. Despair caught at his heart -- the plan had failed. Death had come to his herd again. No doubt he would live; they always left him alive, to rebuild his herd so the torture could begin again. He heaved up onto his hind legs, grabbing for both his halberd and his cell phone. For such a hefty bovine, the Cow King's voice was surprisingly squeaky, and he sounded a bit unbalanced... like a complete nut.

"Mooo... *ahem* eh, excuse me. I want to speak to... yeah, it's me. Three truckloads of heifers, like usual. Yeah, again. The usual place. Say, I don't suppose they could be Black Angus this time? I'm in the mood for something a little different... ah. You only deal in Holsteins. I see. No, no overnight delivery, I'm calling ahead this time. Of course. Yes. Yep. Thank you, but no... I don't think I'll be having a nice day."

Concluding thoughts:

1. The final movie is really cool. I wonder if Worldstone fragments will turn us as a magic item in Diablo III?
2. I like Amazons much better now. Maybe in 1.10, I'll try a Mageazon. Right after I make that shock ranger I've always wanted to do, and Stormcrow the Ravens/Hurricane Druid, and a Whirlwind Barb now that they're not overpowered, and a bone Necro...
3. The Grand Tour officially began January 20, 2002 -- 2 years, 6 months, a few days, and almost 3 megs of text ago. I had one mule, called Mule. Such naiveté. Maybe I should do a giveaway for all the crap I've collected; I'm sure somebody out there is poorer than I am.
4. If anybody's got any final comments, or just wants to participate in a poll, please make your way over to Grand Tour: Goodbye Cruel World.